Friday, December 18, 2015

Canoga Park Quilt's 2015 Holiday Gift Guide

Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays
'Cause no matter how far away you roam
When you pine for the sunshine of a friendly gaze
For Canoga Park you can't beat home sweet home

I met a man who lives on Runnymede, he was heading for
Carl's Jr and some heat-lamp pumpkin pie
From Loma Verde,  folks are traveling 
Down to Roscoe’s dollar store
From Topanga to Vanowen
Gee, the traffic sure is slowin’

Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays
It's a sentiment that really hits the mark
If you want to be happy in a million ways
For the holidays shop in Canoga Park!

With Christmas just a few days away, we've enlisted the entire staff of the Quilt to act as Santa's little helpers and get to work finding our readers the presents topping the lists of most every Canoga Park resident, from the tiniest tot to their doting grand-folks. Here you'll find gifts & goodies galore to fill each stocking or lay 'neath the tree to surprise and delight on Christmas Day.

All items are available as listed as we went to press, and all of our local merchants included are good folks, no foolin', so shop locally and tell 'em you saw it in the Quilt!

Oh — and be sure to click on the photos to see our selected items in exquisite enlarged detail!

GUESTS WILL THINK they've taken a magical trip back in time when they step into the spare powder room and see a bar of Nature Scents herbal soap by the sink. The pure, mild soap — a favorite of those who cherished soft, clean skin in the late 1970s — recreates the essence of herbs and scents of the season. Desiccated, disintegrating bar transforms into creamy lather with warm water and just a bit of elbow grease. 50¢ each (and each bar contains a 7¢ off coupon* good towards a future purchase). Assistance League of San Fernando, 20944 Sherman Way, #107, Canoga Park Calif.
*Coupon expires March 31, 1979.

NO CHRISTMAS FEAST IS COMPLETE without a hearty helping of Preserved Vegetable, from the first name in Preserved Vegetable, Fuyang Fuchunjiang Canned Food Co., Ltd.  Ready to serve right from the can as a delicious side dish, Preserved Vegetable also helps make a marvelous soup — just add pork, chicken, dried shrimp (or what have you!); heat, then serve. Generous 12 oz. can is plenty for the holiday table, but pick up an extra can or two in case unexpected company arrives. Preserved Vegetable, 99¢ per can, available at Hoa Viet Market, 21001 Sherman Way, Canoga Park, California.

THE CHILDREN WERE NESTLED all snug in their beds while visions of salted prunes danced in their heads — that is, if Don David, "The King of Nuts & Candy," has anything to say about it. Generous one ounce package of salted prunes, or saladitos, will satisfy any savory craving — helps with pesky sodium deficiency associated with hyponatremia and severe dehydration, too. Indulgent grandmothers can be forgiven for keeping a ready supply in their salted prune dish for visiting tots — it's known to pay off tenfold in kisses and hugs. $1 at Trend Peddler Grand Tiendita, 21530 Sherman Way, Canoga Park.

START A NEW TRADITION this New Year's Eve: At the stroke of twelve, ring in the new year by tossing fun Pow Pow Party Snaps at the ground and get ready for a bang-up good time. Livens up any holiday get-together. Sprinkle on a busy dance floor to transform a sedate slow dance into a peppy fox trot. More economical than using firearms to discharge live ammunition into the air. Safer, too. 50¢ per box. 2 boxes, $1. Roscoe Jr. Market,  20927 Roscoe Blvd. in Canoga Park.

LITTLE WENDY AND WILLIE will love finding this funny toy top in their Christmas stocking — handmade the old-fashioned way with real wood —and personalized with their initial. Hours of yuletide fun. Just 25¢. National Council of Jewish Women Thrift Shop, 21716 Sherman Way in Canoga Park.

THE HOLIDAYS ARE A LITTLE JOLLIER when you trade in your tired old wassail-bowl for a frosty mug filled with any of 8one8 Brewing’s hearty libations — and raise it to toast friends and family. Choose from Matador Red Ale, Valley Girl Blonde, or Good Day IPA (with more on the way). Available by the glass on tap at Canoga Park’s better bars & pubs. And cross those hard-to-buy-for loved ones off your gift list by sponsoring them for membership into the nanobrewery’s exclusive Founder’s Club, limited to just 818 local craft beer enthusiasts. 8one8 Brewing, 8951 DeSoto Ave., Canoga Park, Calif.  

"THE PASTRIES? OH, THEY'RE FROM FRANCE" you'll tell yuletide guests as they delight in the light, caky treats you'll serve with coffee. (You don't have to tell them they're from France Donuts here in Canoga Park — and we won't give away your secret!) Choose from more varieties than Santa has reindeer, each more delicious than the last. From 90¢. France Donuts, 21119 Sherman Way, Canoga Park. "In the Glen Square Shopping Center."

IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL GIFT of the season. Beloved entertainer Andy Williams sings a dozen of his most-requested holiday tunes (many as performed on his popular NBC television program) from "White Christmas" to "Silent Night" on this long-playing record from Columbia. You'll find it for $1.99 in the cd/record/book/institutional adult diaper section. Goodwill Industries, 7107 Owensmouth Avenue, Canoga Park 14.

YOU'LL SAY 'BAH HUMBUG' NO MORE to sticky hands from positioning and repositioning and re-repositioning the tree at milady's direction with a GOJO Fast Wipes® Multi-Purpose Towel. Scrub away grease, grime and evergreen sap with GOJO Cleaning Power. Each pre-moistened wipe measures a generous 9 in. x 10 in. Simply wipe hands and discard. Just 69¢ at Ho-Ho-Ho O'Reilly Auto Parts 21061 Sherman Way in Canoga Park.

EVEN JOLLY OLD SAINT NICK needs a smoke break during his journey delivering presents throughout Canoga Park and points beyond — and a trusty King brand lighter is there to help him "light the way" to the relaxation only cigarette smoking brings. Butane-filled and available in a plethora of decorator colors, each lighter is good for well over a thousand lights. Imported. $1 at Mustang Liquor & Jr. Market, 21121 Sherman Way, Canoga Park, California.

WHAT BOY WOULDN'T THRILL to finding a brand new bicycle by the tree on Christmas morn? And if a new bike is out of Mother & Dad's means, here's the next best thing: A complete seven-piece bicycle tire repair kit with patches, blowing tube, scraper and adhesive. Lack of instructions encourages problem-solving and resourcefulness in little Johnny, perhaps inspiring him to find an old used Schwinn at the local junk shop that he can bring back to life, thus bestowing upon him the greatest gift of all — the gift of self-reliance. Bicycle Tire Repair Kit, $1.79 available at Pay 99 Cents Plus or Less, 21828 Sherman Way, Canoga Pk.

GIVE AN OLD PAIR OF DUNGAREES NEW LIFE with Carieer brand temporary jeans transfer. Pretty "snake emerging through concrete with human skull in its mouth" motif looks smart & stylish on blue jeans, glasses, caps, tee shirts and more. Or delight a loved one by secretly applying it to hood, door, or windshield of car for a fun Christmas surprise. Available for one dollar at MAA 99¢ Plus Discount King, 21428 Sherman Way in Canoga Park.

LEGEND HAS IT THAT MRS. CLAUS herself gets her hubby's famous red suit clean as can be with Mexico's famous pink laundry soap, ZOTE — a tall order indeed considering all the soot-lined chimneys he travels up and down on the big night! One thing's for sure: ZOTE's been a favorite with plenty of other busy little housewives for hand-washing their delicates and getting out stubborn stains since 1970. Hefty 7 ounce bar will keep your missus happily laundering load after load. $1 at 99+ Plus Store, 7230 Variel Avenue, Unit G, Canoga Park Calif.

BEFORE THE KIDS HEAD OUT THE DOOR, play "Secret Santa" and tuck a Jif To Go cup, filled with rich, creamy peanut butter, in their pocket — a better way to snack on the run, whether they're off to tag alley walls or head into West Hills to see what gifts UPS has left for them on strangers'  doorsteps.   •   Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse — with PIC mouse traps, for pest-free living. Four traps per pack handles small infestations before they get out of hand. Disposable, too — and kills fast without chemicals. Simply bait with peanut butter. Your choice, $1 each at Dollar Tree, 20936 Roscoe Boulevard.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer appears sans permission of Videocraft Int'l. © 1964.

WITH PARTIES BEING THROWN, relatives visiting,and cherished friends dropping by (perhaps even old Saint Nick himself!), the Christmas season brings plenty of guests into the home. And don't be fooled — they may seem wowed by the tree and your knack for holiday decorating, but the real place to impress is in the bathroom. Premium bath tissue does the trick. Soft, absorbent and, best of all, septic-safe so everyone can feel good about flushing.  $5 for a package of 12 double-rolls - enough for Christmas cocktails with the neighbors, incontinent carolers who sheepishly beg ingress, the big New Year's Eve wing-ding — even Uncle Frank's egg nog-aggravated irritable bowel. Big Lots (formerly Pic & Save), 21910 Sherman Way in Canoga Park.

RUDOLPH AND PALS AGREE: The best 'reindeer games' are played on a lush, thick carpet of grass. Naturally attracts neighbors walking their dogs all the way from the next street over. Varieties abound and the friendly folks at your local Green Thumb can help you choose from Marathon, Marathon II, Augustine, Green Wave and more. Prices start at just 61¢ per square foot. Green Thumb Garden Center, 21812 Sherman Way, Canoga Park 18.

FRUITCAKES WILL BE FORGOTTEN when a lucky recipient is instead given the gift of good taste: a handy holiday two-pack of Arby's signature potato cakes. Shredded potato arranged in convenient isosceles right triangle format — then fried to a crispy golden brown. Comes in their own potato cake holder, so gift-giving's a snap. $1.89 buys a set of two. Arby's Roast Beef & More, 7011 Topanga Canyon Boulevard in Canoga Park — plenty of free parking.

HERE'S ONE ELF WHO'S GOTTEN DOWN OFF HIS SHELF — lured, perhaps, by the enticing aroma of State Fair brand classic "corn dogs." Batter-wrapped hot dogs provides a good source of protein without annoying by-products. Made with real honey, too, and eating couldn't be easier with handy real wood gripping stick. Two corn dogs per package. 99¢ in the freezer section at 99¢ Only (North), 20914 Sherman Way, Canoga Park.

THANK HEAVENS MARY hadn't insisted that the Holy Spirit put one of these on, or we'd have nothing to celebrate! Fun & functional fantasy® brand latex condoms come in colors as lively and vibrant as a string of Christmas lights. Highly effective against pregnancy when properly used; reduces the risk of spreading sexually transmitted diseases, too. Lubricated, so penetration's a snap. Box of 12 in assorted colors. 99¢ Only (South), 6820 DeSoto Avenue, Canoga Park. "On the Winnetka border."

IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE a more magnificent centerpiece than one that showcases the well-known green bottle of Pinalen Original Multicleaner.  Freshens, cleans & degreases ♪ ♫  goes the familiar tune, as beloved as any traditional Christmas carol. Try uncapping it this year, for a clean pine scent that's at home in any holiday setting. What's more, it's at the ready to clean up any yuletide mishaps, from spilled Preserved Vegetable on heirloom tablecloths to bits of greasy potato cakes mashed into new berber carpeting. $1.09 at La Tia Store Mi Tiendita, 7230 Variel Avenue, Suite E, Canoga Pk.

PIGGY BANKS ARE PASSÉ. Banks in the shape of large cocks are what the gift-getting set is crowing for. At over a foot tall, life-size plaster rooster bank gaily decorated in bright, realistic colors is perfect for tucking in nickels and dimes as a loved one saves up for the real thing. $4.99 at Vallarta Supermarket. Two Canoga Park locations to serve you, 21555 Roscoe Blvd & 21208 Sherman Way.   •   This handsome Animal Instinct brand cock ring lets everyone know that's your cock when you bring him out at a company Christmas party, family function, back alley, or vacant lot for competition cockfighting — or just to proudly display. Adjustable; fits most any size cock. From 50¢. Adult Warehouse Outlet, 7233 Canoga Avenue, Canoga Park, Calif.

Oh, there's no place like home for the holidays
It's a sentiment that really hits the mark
If you want to be happy in a million ways
For the holidays shop in Canoga Park!

Merry Christmas from The Canoga Park Quilt!

Monday, December 7, 2015

Canoga Park Residents Light Up The Night With Holiday Cheer

By Charlotte Rudnick, Quilt staff.


Though Christmas is still 18 days away, Santa Claus will have no trouble finding his way to Canoga Park homes if residents’ eye-catching outdoor holiday decorations are any indicator.
The majesty of the holiday season is captured brilliantly in this stunning display on a house on
Runnymede Street. Or it was a condo on Moorcroft? Regardless, it's magnificent.  Staff photo.
From Alabama Avenue to Wyandotte Street and everywhere in between, Canoga Parkians are showing their “holiday spirit” through marvelous displays of miniature electrified lights hung from outdoor eaves and gutters, outlining door frames and walkways and strung gaily over trees and bushes.
Another breathtaking display of lights on, where was this, Cohasset, maybe. Staff photo.
Some lights burn with a steady glow, while others twinkle like the starlight that guided three wise French hens to a lowly manger in Bethesda those many years ago. Perhaps most eye-catching are those that even blink on and off, or intermittently, and seem to chase one another along their insulated wire-strands in a merry show reminiscent of the illuminated display on a catwalk heralding the start of the headlining act inside one of our local gentlemen’s clubs. 
Visitors to this neighborhood (Loma Verde Avenue? Elkwood Street?) might well think they'd
somehow been transplanted to the North Pole, thanks to this magical lighted diorama. Staff photo.
A few yards even feature traditional Christmas characters such as Mickey Mouse and Spongebob Squarepants in delightfully oversized three-dimensions, stitched together not by busy elves in Santa's workshop, but by just-as-industrious little workers in a faraway Chinese factory.
Bright 'icicle' lights are the main focus on this house, possibly on Schoolcraft Street (?), where careful
thought, planning and an eye for placement pay off in a detailed "Christmas gift" for the eye. Staff photo.
These lifelike representations maintain their pillowy statuesque form thanks to small, efficient air pumps that give off a jolly hum. (To save energy and prevent climate change, most are on timers and self-deflate into hideously festive puddles of nylon and plastic when the power’s off).
Staked to the ground like Christmas cowboys ambushed in the desert by a tribe of Native
American grinches, perennial holiday favorites Winnie-the-Pooh, R2-D2 and pals deflate
during the day to help save the environment and minimize air pump emissions. Staff photo.
“Oh, we take ‘the Christmas lights tour’ every December,” laughs Ed Klein, of tony West Hills, who stands near his wife Pat, both dressed snugly in down jackets, knit wool caps, scarves and gloves, challenging Southern California’s infamously pleasant, temperate late-autumn weather to do its worst. “The self-guided tour, that is. When we head over to Gallo Giro, you know, to get one of their tortas...? We usually just zip down Saticoy, right onto De Soto, and pull into the parking lot there at Sherman Way. 
Baby It's Kind of Refreshingly Brisk Outside: Bundled up to brave the chill of a late autumn
evening, Pat and Ed Klein of West Hills enjoyed the holiday light show put on by participating
Canoga Park residents on their way to El Gallo Giro — to get one of their tortas.     Staff photo.
“However, this time of year, we drive along Valerio and look at all the beautiful lights. Well, at least until it gets the neighborhood gets kind of...uh, you know..., then we just head back up to Saticoy for the rest of the way.”

“But the Christmas lights we see up to that point!” adds Pat. “Look up ahead, there’s some pretty blue and red flashing ones and...  Oh my, that’s a police car...something’s going on down the street there...Ed, honey, let’s get back in the car now. Right now.”
•   •   •   •   •   •   •
The Canoga Park Festival of Lights runs now through some indistinct time after January 1st, 2016, throughout Canoga Park on and around various homes and businesses. To learn which local homes and businesses are participating, open your eyes and look around. And if you live in Canoga Park, put up some damn lights, why dontcha? C’mon, it looks nice.

Monday, November 30, 2015

Take A Picture, Parker Glassport, It'll Last Longer — November 30, 2015

Special to the Quilt from Owen Smouth, editor-in-chief.

Just in time for the start of the holiday season — the world's oldest teenage photographer, our own Parker Glassport, is back with this any-recent-content-is-good-content photo:

And oh boy what a beaut it is.

"Run them smaller," young Parker says. "They lose definition when you run them so big!"

Pish-posh. Any photographer that blames the medium is a poor excuse for an artist, and furthermore is in danger of me calling up Canoga Park High and asking the principal to send over someone else from Ms. Jankoficz's Photography 101 class for the work-study program, someone who doesn't tell me how to run my goddamn paper and can get the staff's Starbuck's order right once in a while.

Besides, the Canoga Park Quilt's highly sophisticated readership are no dummies.

They know you can (and should) click on any photo in any article the ol' Quilt here and it pops up bigger and in that sharp, distinct, photojournalism-award-winning detail that savvy Quilt readers have come to expect, née, demand.

Well, now that all that's taken care of, with practically no obvious exposition whatsoever, we can get back to work on all the hard-hitting Canoga Park news stories Quilt readers have come to expect, née, demand.  

Christ almighty, pretty demanding bunch considering it's a free newspaper. You don't know what I'm up against.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

The Quilt's Complete List of Businesses Open and Closed in Canoga Park on Thanksgiving

By Quilt staff.

Whether you're thankful to spend time with friends and loved ones at someone else's home far, far away or even if your plans fell through and turns out you'll be in Canoga Park for Thanksgiving, all of us here at the Quilt wish a "Happy Thanksgiving!" to our treasured readers. You're what we're thankful for! Also that spinach/artichoke dip Nita Keswick brings in for the little buffet thing we do in the break room on the Wednesday before.

And as a public service to the Canoga Park community, we've compiled a list of businesses that will be open or closed on Thanksgiving — Thursday November 26 — to help plan those last-minute forays for little items that never made the shopping list.
It happens every year: You remember to buy the turkey and all the trimmings, but at the last minute
you realize you have no stove and oven to cook them on and in; and worse, no refrigerator to keep them
from spoiling until you can get a stove. Unfortunately for you, J&R Appliances is closed Thanksgiving.
If you forgot to get a turkey baster or injector, you may be in luck: Romantix Adult Boutique
will be open on Thanksgiving from 10 am to 8 pm and carries various items of a similar shape and
size that, with a little ingenuity, could easily be modified to perform those same general functions.
Our complete list of businesses opened and closed in Canoga Park on Thanksgiving Day:

• Romantix, 21672 Sherman Way

• J&R Appliance, 7137 Owensmouth Avenue

While this is our complete list, additional Canoga Park businesses not listed here may or may not be open, while others may or may not be closed. Says Bernice Solverson, from the Canoga Park Chamber of Commerce: "I dunno. Best bet is to probably call the place first, before getting in your car and end up driving around for a half-hour like an ass."

We have confirmed that all businesses within Canoga Park will either be open or closed on Thanksgiving.

Monday, November 16, 2015

First Wednesday of the Month Women’s Club Holiday Bazaar: A Jolly Success!

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff.


The Canoga Park First Wednesday of the Month Women’s Club held their annual Holiday Bazaar and Back Pain Pill Exchange this past Saturday, November 14 at their clubhouse on Jordan Avenue. The event featured a myriad of delightful hand-woven pot holders, macramé owls, construction paper ornaments with oversized yarn stitching, peanut butter and birdseed encrusted pinecone bird feeders, wooden clothespins decorated to resemble reindeer, as well as other handcrafted items, baked goods and house plants, all for sale to the public.

Business was brisk from the moment the bazaar opened at ten a.m., reports Myrtle Hipkins, Vice President In Charge of Gluing Felt Antlers to Walnut Shells. “Oh, we’ve been busy all morning. My daughter came with my grandson, and then, well, she even came back a little while later to pick him up after her Zumba class, and I saw Irene’s daughter-in-law here, and ooh, Louise’s daughter came by — with her niece who is going to have a baby! — and Helen’s daughter, she was here, and, um, oh yes, that nice woman who drives Sylvia to the doctor was here — Sylvia! What’s that gal’s name?  The one who drives you to your podiatrist? ‘Dr. Cohen’?! No, no, the girl who drives you there! Aaah—!”
Gifts Galore: A 'Brag' Book, memo pad, bookmark and magnet
(with a wise saying) were just some of the items available for sale.
Spread across the Official Bake Sale Card Table (back with all four legs this year) was a host of delicious goodies atop a festive green and red paper tablecloth featuring the popular Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles characters. 
Ruth Burke's Bake Sale Contribution:
"They make the packages so darn big
these days, you can't finish 'em. And
the seeds always get stuck up in my
bridgework — a real no-no," she says.
Generally ovoid pfeffernüsse cookies of wildly varying sizes wrapped up in cellophane and baggies of fudge squares melded back together into a clumped cube of rich, nutty sweetness vied for tabletop real estate alongside tightly wrapped cupcakes on small paper plates — two treats in one for a lucky tot: delicious devil’s food as well as icing to be sucked off the Saran Wrap. A cadre of sweet-smelling gingerbread men — including one with a metal eyelet protruding from the top of his head and marked “Hallmark Keepsake” on his side — fell quickly to the advancing troops of hungry customers, who, armed with nickels and dimes, made quick work of them until a call went up not of “Victory!” but for the number of an emergency dentist.

Trivets made of recycled popsicles sticks were a popular seller over at the station manned by Esther Wheeling, the club’s Vice-President In Charge of Recycling Popsicle Sticks. “I sold both of the ones I made,” the proud octagenarian beamed. “I guess my daughter really liked how I spelled out  ‘Ho Ho Ho’ in glitter on them.”
Rich, gooey fudge and hand-decorated pill bottles flock the "star" of the show, a handsome
snowman tabletop centerpiece with pipe cleaner standing in for traditional corncob pipe.
Meanwhile, at “Plants ‘N Such,” a long folding table with flora for sale, the Club’s resident gardener Flossie Brown, 87, surveyed her wares, each ready to take home in its own Dixie cup. “Those are spider plants,” she told interested shoppers. “They’re two for a quarter. Oh, they’ll just grow and grow. Over here, I’ve got some pothos cuttings. Now these are 35¢. If you want to really see something — but it’s not for sale — I brought my prize-winning African violet from home. ...Wait, where is it? Vera!  You didn’t sell my African violet when I was using the lady’s room, did you?!”

Holiday Greenery & More: Dieffenbacchia, saguaro cactus, ficus and even
colorful poinsettias were available courtesy the green thumb of Flossie Brown,
who attributes her prowess with plants to a lifelong love affair of gardening.
Beneath a pretty sign reading “Needlepoint By Gladys” sat Ethel Hooper, a spritely 92. “Oh, we’ve got all sort of things here. Eyeglass cases with crossed tennis racquets, coin purses with crossed tennis racquets. Why, here’s a little potpourri satchel. With a pair of crossed tennis racquets on it. We’ve got a discount section, too. We’ve a few pillows with the serenity prayer missing some words, or crossed tennis racquets in place of the praying hands, and oh, I can give you a good deal on this unfinished Footprints In The Sand needlepoint. I think this is what Gladys was working on when she, uh... ...Well, I think this was her last piece.”
A reverent angel sings a Christmas song; 'Footprints In The Sand'
needlepoint, unfinished, was priced to sell; funny little "nut",
bedecked with googly eyes & sign, beckons to the teen-age crowd.
A steady stream of shoppers visited the bazaar throughout the day, including Ronald Saxe, currently living across the street in an RV, who was almost as thrilled with his 10¢ purchase of a snowman made of two styrofoam balls, three sequins and some felt scraps as he was by the opportunity to use an indoor toilet. Brian Rauschebart of De Soto Avenue dropped by with his girlfriend Sarah, the granddaughter of a Club member. “I’m looking at this Christmas tree and it’s made from a folded up magazine...?" the 28-year-old explains as he arranges his oversized marled black cable knit scarf just-so.
Would you believe this festive fellow was
made from a sponge and some cotton balls?
 "And I see it’s an issue of ‘Outdoor Life’ from 1952. Oh my God — I was so stunned I almost forgot about the nickel change I had coming from the dime I paid.”

The three p.m. closing time couldn’t have come a moment too soon: Most of the bazaar’s goods were by then sold out to eager family members — good thing, too, due to limited room on the Senior Shuttle that had come to deliver the club members to Coco’s for dinner. When the dust had settled, the 101-year-old stalwart Canoga Park organization had cleared nearly $11 in profit. “Not too shabby for a bunch of ‘old ladies,’ huh?” laughed Opal Wilson, 97. 

“Okay, everyone, on the bus,” bellowed Ladies Club Vice-President in Charge of Neighborhood Cacophony Doreen Farber, as she kicked an unsold piggy bank fashioned from an empty Clorox bottle out of the path of a man rolling in an enormous audio speaker on a hand truck. “These people just paid us seven hundred bucks for the facilities for the evening, so let’s get out of their way.”
Special thanks to Janet's husband's second cousin — the one who moved to Florida — whose son, who still lives out here, was nice enough to take photographs of items from the event, and did you know Janet once went to New York and she saw that woman from the Today Show when she went to see 'Wicked' with Bob. Oh, for goodness sake, you know who I'm talking about, she was on the Today Show, oh, forever, but I don't think she's been on for some time now and...

Monday, November 2, 2015

Report: West Hills-Sponsored Rainbow May Have Violated Canoga Park Airspace

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff.


A rare emergency meeting of the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council was called this evening to discuss the possibility that a rainbow sponsored by West Hills may have violated Canoga Park airspace, exacerbating an already strained relationship with Canoga Park’s neighbor to the west, and to determine what, if any, action should be taken against the exclusive community. 

The rainbow, visible from approximately 4:41 until 4:56 pm Monday afternoon, was anchored at one end at a used railroad tie lot in Chatsworth and, at the other end, in an alley behind Franklin’s Hardware just south of Ventura Boulevard in Woodland Hills. The bulk of the colored band of light traversed Canoga Park from above, giving much of West Hills a view of what was described in local news and social media as “quintessential,” “amazing,” “magnificent” and “in-f_cking-credible.”

“I think it’s disgusting — and that both Chatsworth and Woodland Hills were in collusion with West Hills on this matter speaks volumes about the integrity of those communities as well,” said an angry Vera Morris, the Council’s Representative In Charge Of Shoes Flung Over Power Lines And Other Things Up High. “They used the sky over our neighborhood to put on a display of nature’s grandeur specifically for their residents, not ours.”

The rainbow visible primarily from West Hills was so large not only did it span the entire north to
south length of Canoga Park, but it took four photographs to capture it in its entirety, seamlessly woven
together digitally to create a panoramic vista that recalls the work of Ansel Adams himself. Staff photo.
“What burns me up is they staged it precisely at a location where we couldn’t see it without having to go into West Hills,” says resident Téodor “Ted” Pasternak. “Due to the necessary angle of refraction, most Canoga Park residents were completely unaware of what by all accounts was a beautiful rainbow occurring directly overhead. Unless you were west of Shoup [Avenue], you didn’t even see it. But it was all over Twitter, all over Facebook — posted by people from over there. Typical West Hills selfish behavior.”
One of countless mentions across social media follow-
 ing the debut of the West Hills rainbow. Image: Twitter.

Some at tonight’s meeting took issue with the fact that the rainbow was scheduled for a time when most Canoga Park residents were still at work, while West Hillians, many independently wealthy or working from comfy home offices, merely needed to step outside, or just peer out of enormous double-pane bay windows, perhaps while sipping a warm cup of hot cocoa, to view it.

Reached by phone for comment, Bob Rawlins, president of the of the West Hills Neighborhood Council, exclaimed “I really don’t see what the big deal is. We got all the necessary permits and paid all the fees. They can go down to City Hall if they want to. Everything’s on file.

“And as a matter of fact, we did alert Canoga Park about it. We sent someone over to that street fair you people had going on yesterday [Carne Asada Aroma Competes With Idling Classic Car Exhaust Fumes at 15th Annual Día De Los Muertos Festival, November 1], and passed out flyers.”

The Quilt obtained a copy of the flyer, and while it does alert local residents to the impending multicolored arc, it specifically warns them not to look directly at it. When pressed, Rawlins admitted that looking at the rainbow posed no danger to Canoga Park residents’ eyes but he “just didn’t think it was fair for those living outside of the West Hills area to view something they didn’t pay for.” He admitted the flyer “might have been worded better...but it’s ultimately not our fault if it was misinterpreted.”

“Oh, we’re not done with this, not by a long shot,” notes Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council attorney Lou Steinmart. “We’re looking into sanctions against West Hills. Hit ‘em where it hurts — in the ol’ pocketbook. Maybe even encourage our residents to stay away from that can recycling center by Ralphs, and out of Walmart and Ross Dress-For-Less for a few days. 

“...If that’s at all possible.”

Thursday, October 29, 2015

What's Doing In Canoga Park — Halloween!

Here's what's doin' on and around Halloween — this year scheduled for October 31st — in Canoga Park.
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Trunk or Treat
Many local churches will be hosting "Trunk or Treat" events for the little ones — parking lots full of cars with adults handing out treats to good little ghosts and goblins from the backs of their spookily-decorated vehicles. Additionally, some event sites will also feature vendors selling pre-heated, foil-wrapped, ready-to-eat 'street' food — prepared off-site with varying degrees of safe food-handling procedures — out of coolers from their trunks, while other locations will have trunk-salespeople offering a selection of electronics that have "fallen off a truck." At a few select venues, parents will enjoy perusing a wide variety of books, CDs, DVDs, and other items available for purchase and still sealed in their Amazon Prime boxes featuring West Hills addresses. Saturday afternoon to evening, various times & locations. Check your local place of worship for details.
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West Valley Spooky Historical Lecture
Renowned local CanogaParkologist, Bob Farrell of the Owensmouth/Canoga Historical League, will deliver a lecture titled "Canoga Park Legend & Lore," a Halloween-themed talk about the area's oft-spooky history, myths and urban legends — including the tale of the infamous Women's Club Lodgepole Pine, the tree rumored to have originally grown as straight as an arrow for decades but eventually taking on an increasingly gnarled, twisted and grotesque shape with each transgression the Canoga Park First Wednesday of the Month Women's Club commits upon the once peaceful surrounding neighborhood. Saturday evening, 8 p.m., Museum of the West Valley, 21606 Nordhoff Street, Canoga Park
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Pit Bull Apologist Group Hosts Halloween "Pittie" Party
PARGA, Pitbulls Are Really Gentle Animals, is hosting a Halloween "Pittie" Party, and invites local pit bull owners to dress up their "pitties" in fun costumes and bring them along. Club president Dawn Haberlind is hosting the event at her home, and requests a nominal $5 donation to help defray the cost of refreshments, with any funds left over going towards paying a personal injury settlement from a lawsuit won by "the greedy parents of some little girl selling cookies or something who startled my sweet wittle pittie Marauder by thoughtlessly ringing the doorbell." PARGA, Haberlind Residence, 8534 Eton Avenue, Saturday 5 pm - 10 pm.
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Historical Walking Tour & Live Reading
Dressed in wonderfully mismatched, anachronistic, and historically inaccurate finery, Canoga Park resident Brian Rauschebart hosts his second annual Halloween walking tour, where, inhabiting the role of the title character, he retraces Ichabod Crane-Fly's escape from the terrifying Unhitched Trailer, as described in Winnetka Irving's chilling tale "The Legend of Sleepy Topanga." Starts from Topanga Canyon Blvd at Nordhoff, 7 pm, Saturday evening.
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LAPD Topanga Division Announces Local Halloween Contest 
The Los Angeles Police Department's Topanga Division has announced the "Use Your Head And For God's Sake Don't Do Anything Stupid Just Because Halloween Falls On A Saturday Night This Year" contest, according to the LAPD West Valley Public Relations Support Officer In Charge of Press Releases, Reed N. Malloy. "We've already got our hands full on most Saturday nights around here, so for God's sake, with all the kids out on Halloween and everything else, just do everyone a favor and don't do anything stupid," says Malloy. The station is prepared to award hundreds of prizes, which include the acts of not being cited with a traffic violation, not going to jail, not being rushed to the emergency room, and even not ending up in the morgue — all simply by using basic intelligence, avoiding aggressive, drunken asshole behavior, and perhaps most difficult to many Los Angeles residents, showing common courtesy to others — even those you may not know. "We consider everyone who doesn't do anything stupid on Halloween a real Grand Prize winner," he adds. Topanga Division Halloween Contest, now through approximately 5 am Sunday November 1st, Canoga Park and surrounding area. All prizes are intangible concepts and non-transferable.
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Canoga Park Elementary To Hold Costume Dance Party
"Monster Mash" and "Love Potion Number 9," two perennial favorites of students, teachers and residents living within a quarter-mile of Canoga Park Elementary will not be heard broadcast over Ol' Blarey, the school's famous window-rattling, 128 dB public announcement system retrofitted from a World War II surplus air raid siren during Friday afternoon's after-school Halloween costume & dance party. "This year we were delighted to get DJ Noyze Ordnintz whose — let me get this right — baby mama's first baby daddy's third baby mama has a student here. I think that's correct. Anyway, he's doing the music and he's got a completely different playlist than our usual one," says Judy Maxwell, a teacher's aide with the school. "Rae Sremmurd, Li'l Wayne, Rick Ross, like that. It should be fun." Adds Principal Frank Guinto, on the way to his car, "After school hours, folks. After school hours. I have nothing whatsoever to do with any of this." Canoga Park Elementary Courtyard, Vassar between Cohasset and Valerio, Friday, 3-5 pm.
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Día De Los Muertos Festival Joins Forces With CicLAvia
Canoga Park's 15th Annual Día de Los Muertos Festival, or street fair, joins forces with popular bicycle event "CicLAvia" on Sunday November 1st. "It was a no-brainer," reports Murla Havemyer, head of Event Organizement with the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council. "They like having the streets closed for those bicycle things, and it turns out we're closing Sherman Way from Topanga Canyon Boulevard to Canoga for Día de Los Muertos anyway, you know, to make room for all the booths, artists, dancers, vendors, pedestrians and wall-to-wall classic cars, so it just makes sense to combine the two." Sunday November 1, 10 am to 5 pm, Sherman Way.
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If you have a Halloween event for the Canoga Park area you'd like to have included here, well, you're a little bit late, aren't you? Tell you what — we'll post it during the Thanksgiving rundown of community events instead and maybe next year you'll remember to get these things in on time, hmm?