Friday, February 23, 2018

Canoga Park Responds to Flourishing Homeless Population With New 24-Hour Resource Centers

By Charlotte Rudnick, Quilt staff




DATELINE: ROSCOE BOULEVARD

Homeless people in the West Valley will soon have two new local options for getting much-needed assistance to help cope with life on the streets.

A 7-11 convenience store in the space previously occupied by Duke of Bourbon Liquor in Westridge Plaza, in the hustling RoscoSoto neighborhood is due to open “any day now,” according to sources, while just down the street, at Roscoe and Canoga, in the bustling RoscoNoga neighborhood, a Chevron gas station featuring a large mini-mart is on track to open its doors in the near future as well. 

Both will offer microwaveable burritos, nachos and heat lamp dogs, among other goods and services.
A Chevron gas station and a 7-11 (inset) are two new businesses slated to open in the Canoga Park area in
early 2018.  Residents and others who just kind of hang around here are excited by the news.  Staff photo.
“I can’t wait,” says Ernie ‘Nalgas’ Holvik, wearing an overstuffed backpack while carrying another as he awkwardly rides your bike on the way back to his camp beneath an LA River tributary overpass along Canoga Avenue. Tired from a busy day in West Hills where he works as a freelance Amazon Prime package re-acquisition specialist, Holvik looks longingly at the gas station, still under construction. “I really gotta take a dump.”


RELATED: Panic ensues as Santa Ana riverbed encampment eviction mistaken for walker herd.

Friday, January 26, 2018

Dubious Charity Naively Expects Apathetic Residents To Eschew Curbside Disposal And Instead Lug Old Electronics To Inconvenient Parking Lot Collection Site

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff


DATELINE: BIG LOTS!


Civic-minded folks of the West Valley can finally get rid of that enormous broken television, or TV, set, those facsimile, or fax, machines obsolete since the early 1990s, their top-of-lap computers, or laptops, that they brought home from work but reported stolen after they didn’t know how to completely remove all the porn they downloaded onto the hard drives, or any other electronical junk, or e-waste, items they may have lying around.

“In the past, Canoga Park residents have had to deal with the back-breaking, interminable hassle of placing any bulky electronics out by the curb where they’d be picked up by local scavengers or eventually the Sanitation Department,” says Bert Frankel, president of US Pals Chamber of Commerce, a vaguely philanthropic-sounding organization that raises money for something or other.

Canoga Park residents tired of paying the high cost of dragging their shit out to the curb for free can
now recycle their electronics at no cost by lugging it over to a busy parking lot instead.  Staff photo.
“But with our two-day event, they need only drag the items out to the car, realize the trunk is already filled with other crap, pull all that crap out of the trunk and into the garage to make room, lift the item or items into the trunk, drive over to Big Lots, mention to our collection specialist they have electronics to donate, wait for the collection specialist to look up from her phone, mention again to our collection specialist they have electronics to donate, watch where our collection specialist briefly points before going back to her phone, and then lug said electronic items out of the trunk and over to the directed area,” he adds. “What could be easier?”

Frankel notes that US Pals will be accepting all kinds of e-waste items except for whatever you specifically show up with.  “No, I’m sorry, we don’t accept those,” he says.

The collection center will be in the Big Lots parking lot in the space formerly occupied by the half-dozen donation “sucker boxes” that were finally hauled off after the vandalism and trash caused by them became far too much trouble than they were worth. 

“We’re excited about raising money for, eh, ‘charity’ tomorrow and Sunday,” says Frankel, “and delighted that Big Lots is donating the use of their parking lot to do this.” 

Says Canoga Park Big Lots manager Esther Galinda, “Wait, who’s doing what here this weekend?”

Monday, December 25, 2017

Santa Claus, Reindeer Severely Injured By Fireworks Over Canoga Park on Christmas Eve

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff.



DATELINE: VALERIO STREET

Santa Claus — the right jolly old elf who delivers toys to good little girls and boys all over the world on Christmas Eve — has been hospitalized in critical condition at Northridge Hospital Medical Center, suffering from third degree burns to 90% of his trademark red suit after being struck mid-air by an explosive projectile over Canoga Park last night.


Jingle bells gave way to wailing sirens as jolly Saint Nick nearly perished in a fiery crash
in Canoga Park last night, landing in an alley just south of Valerio Street.  Image: Google.
All of his eight tiny reindeer suffered injuries as well, ranging from singed hooves and broken antlers to massive internal injuries, according to a spokesperson with LA Animal Services. Two of them, Dasher and Comet, had to be euthanized on the spot.

“I got a frantic call from [Santa] on the two-way radio,” says Santa’s Workshop head elf Jingle. “He was sure his GPS wasn’t working properly. We told him our tracking showed him over Canoga Park. He said that’s what his screen read but that it looked like some sort of war zone. He was certain he was somewhere in the Middle East, rather than what he said he remembered as a quiet San Fernando Valley community.

“Then suddenly he yelled, ‘I’m hit, I’m hit! May Day! May Day! We’re going down!”

Santa Claus in an undated photo.
Image courtesy Mrs. Claus.
Capt. Reed Malloy, Community Outreach Support Officer of the LAPD’s West Valley Bureau of Inexplicable Holiday Traditions notes that just around midnight, there was a marked increase in the usual amount of illegal fireworks being set off in Canoga Park. 

“Well, not a marked increase from what we usually experience on Christmas Eve, but a marked increase from, say, two days ago,” explains Malloy.

Jangle, a North Pole livestock wrangler, notes that while Santa’s flying reindeer are more rapid than eagles, “they do tend to spook easily, especially with exploding projectiles being shot into the air around them on this, the most holy of nights.” 

While it may be weeks before the FAA analyzes data from the sleigh's black box and releases a final report about the incident, an unnamed source close to the investigation is certain that one or more fireworks struck Santa's sleigh, while others exploding in the air nearby would have frightened and disoriented his team of reindeer, sending the aircraft crashing to the ground.

“We’re hopeful Santa will eventually make a full recovery,” says Capt. Malloy, “and we’re just grateful that he makes his annual flight on Christmas Eve and not New Year’s Eve — when many Canoga Park residents fire live ammunition into the air.”

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Trick-Or-Treaters Receive ‘Concerning’ Manifesto with Candy

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff.










DATELINE: OLD TOWN 


Children trick-or-treating last night in the quaint, historic ‘Old Town’ neighborhood of Canoga Park got more than just candy from one home. At least six parents have come forward telling police they found a peculiar, unnerving note wrapped around a candy bar.

Some Canoga Park trick-or-treaters received a strange letter among the usual candy, expired medicine,
bouillon cubes and Arby's coupons local residents traditionally hand out on Halloween. Photo: LAPD
“It’s concerning, to say the least,” says Capt. Reed Malloy, Community Outreach Support Officer of the LAPD's West Valley Bureau of Trick or Treat Safety, Weird-Things-Given-Out Division. “We're used to seeing Taco Bell hot sauce packets or dog biscuits, usually given out by well-meaning people who just ran out of candy. This could be something different.”

Copies of the rambling, one-page type-written xeroxed missive — English on one side, Spanish on the other — were attached by rubber bands to full-size candy bars, and make bizarre claims ranging from “the suspicious deaths surrounding the feral cats who set up Hillary’s secret Canoga Park email server” to the “old triangular Costco sign” being an “extraterrestrial beacon to summon grays from Planet Shoup.”

Complete text of the mysterious manifesto. 
The reverse features roughly the same erratic message in poorly-worded Spanish, as though it were run through a free online translator.

Pasternak. File photo.
Update: Police have determined the ‘manifesto’ was distributed by a Canoga Park resident known locally as a local crackpot and malcontent, TeĆ³dor “Ted” Pasternak. “He’s harmless, but we know him well,” Malloy says. “And the candy’s been tested and is safe to eat.  But feel free to bring it to the station if you're still worried and we'll, eh, dispose of it for you.”

Reached for comment, Pasternak explained. “I’ve got a pretty bad cold and last night I kind of went overboard on the Venom Black Mamba energy drinks and whatever the DollarTree equivalent of NyQuil is. Halloween night [was] a complete blur.”

“I just want to say that I’m completely mortified by this. This is not like me at all,” he says between sneezes. “I mean, what the hell was I thinking, giving away my entire stockpile of Milky Way Midnights?! Those things are hard to find!” 

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Canoga Park Home Is Transformed Into Spooky ‘Haunted House’ for Halloween

Special to the Quilt by Luther Heggs




DATELINE: MILWOOD AVENUE

All ye who dare enter: Beware of ghosts and goblins!

A cozy, mid-century home in Canoga Park has been turned into a creepy ‘haunted house’ for Halloween, complete with spooky noises and unexplained goings-on that are sure to frighten (and delight) trick-or-treating boys and girls when they cross through the ramshackle fence and traverse the overgrown, trash and needle-strewn yard to bravely knock on the door in hopes of—      

...Oh.   
Staff photo.
Correction: Turns out it’s just an abandoned house that has fallen into severe disrepair and has subsequently been broken into and is being used by local squatters, taggers, homeless people and gang members.  

We regret the error.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Explosion Rocks Canoga Park Parking Lot

By Burton Cantara, Quilt staff.



DATELINE: SHERMAN WAY

An explosion blew open the door of a donation box in a parking lot in Canoga Park on Wednesday, spreading soiled, unfashionable clothes and other unwanted secondhand goods over an enormous “crap perimeter” across the surrounding area.

“We were walking by when it went off and next thing I know I was hit by a Von Dutch hat from 2003,” says Bryan Rauschebart of DeSoto Avenue. “My girlfriend was blinded by a flying pashmina. Well, until she pulled it off her head.” 

Rauschebart noted that “something yellow flew by [his] face at the speed of light.” Investigators with the Canoga Park Fire Department later found a ‘Livestrong’ bracelet embedded in the trunk of a nearby palm tree.

Staff photo.
The force of the blast was strong enough to send some of the outdated clothes far across the parking lot, leaving a counterfeit “Jimmie Chew” [sic] left shoe and an oil-stained right Ugg boot with the lining “all matted and pilled” in the back of a pickup truck. A greasy plaid fedora, the type very briefly made popular by Justin Timberlake some years ago, was found dangling on the antenna of a Toyota Camry. 

It was unclear exactly how far the effects of the explosion reached, however, since it was impossible to determine where the debris field ended and the sidewalk inventory of Fallas Paredes began. 

Investigators are baffled by the event and have already ruled out a meth lab explosion, a honey oil lab explosion, a gas leak explosion, a kids-playing-with-fireworks explosion and many of the other usual conditions and factors that regularly cause explosions in Canoga Park.

Correction: Turns out there was no explosion at all, but rather the effects of homeless people tearing open the plywood box and rooting through the soiled garments inside. 

We regret the error.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Spike in West Hills Crime Predicted For Today

By Brennan Callicott, special to the Quilt.

DATELINE: FANCY-SCHMANCY WEST HILLS

A significant uptick in the daily amount of burglaries, mail theft, porch piracy and other crimes the West Hills area experiences is expected today, according to experts.

“We anticipate an increase in all of the problems West Hills has recently become famous for,” reports Senior Lead Officer Gus Lerner. “Expect the escalation to begin at approximately 9:05 a.m and continue until 11:43 a.m., with most of the incidents likely to occur specifically on or around 10:20 a.m.”
Image courtesy NASA.
A spokesprowler with the Association of West Valley Package Pilferers and Home Burglars confirmed the impending crime surge.  “Our members will be out in force [on Monday],” he says. “We figure there’s no better time to get in, get all that jewelry, electronics and credit cards — and then get out while everyone is outside gaping up at the sky. The diminished daylight can only help.

“Incidentally, that whole ‘don’t look directly at it’ crap is, uh, fake news. To truly enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime celestial event, we encourage everybody in West Hills to go outside and just stare at that eclipse. Really drink that bastard in with your eyes. Take your time — when you gonna see another one? And leave the front door open.”