Tuesday, March 24, 2020

Protective Gloves Outnumber Condoms Among Filthy Latex Discarded On West Valley Sidewalks and Parking Lots

By Nita Keswick, Quilt staff

DATELINE: RALPHS SHOPPING CENTER

The familiar sight of the used condom — a ubiquitous presence on sidewalks, high school courtyards, parking lots and other public places in the West San Fernando Valley — has suddenly taken a back seat to disposable gloves, which now surpass the prophylactic sheath by a ratio of more than twenty to one, according to data compiled by the Canoga Park Department of Latex, which tracks such trends.

Toodle-loo, Trojans; Later, LifeStyles: Discarded latex gloves, not used condoms, are what's trending
now on the fashionable sidewalks, parking lots and public thoroughfares of Canoga Park. Staff photos.
“Used to be you couldn’t walk ten feet without squishing a used [condom],” says Reseda resident Lupe Darula as she transferred 12-packs of Angel Soft two-ply from her shopping cart into her car outside Ralphs on Sherman Way. “These days, it’s those gloves. They’re everywhere.  I guess because of this coronavirus thing, people just aren’t having sex in parking lots anymore.”

“It's sad, really. I don't know if we'll ever get back to the way things were, she wondered aloud as she peeled off her own gloves, dropping one on the cart's flip-up child seat, and shooting the other across the parking lot. 

“Ooh, look — I got some good distance with that one.

Saturday, March 21, 2020

LA River Runs Clear For First Time In Centuries As Coronavirus Lockdown Decreases Shopping Cart Traffic, Feces

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff

DATELINE: THE LOS ANGELES RIVER

They say every virus has a silver membrane and COVID-19 — or “Chinaman’s Complaint,” as the White House has dubbed it — is no different.  Canoga Park’s expanse of the Los Angeles River is flowing crystal clear once again, due to the lack of shopping cart traffic and human effluvia, or huffluvia, in the picturesque concrete sluice since Eric Garcetti, a mayor with the City of Los Angeles, issued his recent mandatory “Aw, Gosh, We Sure Love Ya — So Stay At Home, Huh, Angelenos?” order.

Free of shopping carts and human waste, the LA River's waters run clear and pure. Staff photo.
The edict has had a “trickle-down” effect that benefited the river almost immediately, notes Donald Culross, head of the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council’s Neighborhood Beautifization Committee. “With everyone stuck at home, no one’s calling in complaints about homeless people living on sidewalks and around freeway off ramps,” explains Culross. So the housing-deficient are free to stay there rather than be forced to move to the largely unpatrolled LA River, its sheltered underpasses and its ‘Greenway’ biking, walking and dog-shitting paths, which they traditionally befoul with stolen shopping carts and excrement. ...Mostly excrement.”

The change has brought “back the crystal blue waters of ancient times, those of the pre-homeless epidemic,” according to Culross. “There was even reports of a dolphin frolicking upstream towards the DeSoto Avenue Overpass.”

Correction: What was described as a frolicking dolphin was in fact a waterlogged possum clinging to an empty 2-liter Jarritos tamarind soda bottle, and headed downstream. We regret the error.

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

Canoga Park Man Credits Girl Scouts For COVID-19 Preparedness

By Blythe Moorcroft, Quilt staff






DATELINE: VASSAR AVENUE

A Canoga Park man says he’s grateful to the Girl Scouts for helping him prepare for the COVID-19 outbreak.

Teodor “Ted” Pasternak says he has West Valley troops to thank for all the extra groceries and supplies he stockpiled weeks ago that are now getting him through the current self-quaranisolation.

“The second I started seeing posts on Facebook and Nextdoor about ‘Girl Scout Cookie Season’ in late January, I ran out and bought everything I needed for the next three months — twelve cases of Spaghettios, eight cases of vodka, one package of toilet paper, everything a single guy could ever need.” says the recently unemployed pool filter assembler.  “That way I didn’t have to go back to grocery stores during the epidemic — the epidemic of pushy little girls harassing and hassling me once they set up their folding tables outside the front doors of these places, that is!”

Clockwise from top right: Off-brand cookies, random little girl, nourishing Spaghettios, Pasternak.

“Every year, there they are, ready to pounce, when you’re going in and when when you’re coming back out, with the ‘Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?’" Pasternak sneers.  "It’s like walking a frickin’ gauntlet. Look, those cookies aren’t cheap and every year the boxes gets smaller.  Five dollars?! Get outta here!”

Ironically, one thing the wonderfully misanthropic Pasternak did not stock up on was cookies. 

“And I could really go for some of those peanut butter cookies now. Not the ‘sandwich’ ones. Those are garbage. No, the patties — the good ones,” he says. “Dollar Tree sells the exact same cookies for a buck, thank God. I may be intimidated by a bunch of eight-year-old girls, but I'm no fool — I’ll take my chances against the virus for a package of those things! Hand me that face mask! I’m headin’ out!” 

Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Canogavirus Reported In West SFV Thrift Store

By Burton Cantara, Quilt staff

DATELINE: SHERMAN WAY 

The highly contagious Canogavirus has been confirmed in the West San Fernando Valley, announced the Canoga Park Department of Public Hysteria on Tuesday morning. 

“What we’re seeing here is unprecedented,” announced Dr. Morris Detzer, chief fear-mongerer and head of peppydemiology, the study of particularly perky germs, for the Canoga Park Department of Healthiness. “Rather than our first case where someone has become infected with the disease itself, we have discovered an actual Canogavirus viral structure, many hundreds of thousand times the size of an average such canogaparkus coughus coughus virus.”

Most viruses, including the Canogavirus, are scientifically classified as described as teeny-tiny, or extremely small, cannot be seen by the naked eye and are only visible with the aid of a microscope, or thing-look-biggerer.

Detail of the fun, playful and potentially deadly Canogavirus. Source photo: Damian Yerrick.
“But this thing — Jesus, this thing’s the size of a frickin’ grapefruit — and it was bouncing around like it was doing the popcorn part of the Banana Dance song my granddaughter watches constantly on YouTube.” he added. “I don’t know if this is an isolated aberration or if the virus is evolving; nor can I say definitively if its enormous size and acute peppiness makes it more virulent or less so, but I’m just going to go ahead and say we’re doomed, we’re all doomed!”

The discovery was made in the St. Hissy of Marsupia Feral Possum Rescue Mission thrift store on Sherman Way in Canoga Park. A four year-old child found the colorful virus while playing in the ‘Kidz Korner’ after he pulled all the toys off the shelves, made a big mess of things and left everything all over the floor while his mother, across the store, scoured the lady’s section for high-end designer clothes to re-sell on Poshmark. 

“I never find shit here in the West Valley, and this thrift store was no different,” said the woman who would not give her name. “The [thrift store] employees were rude and said I should keep an eye on my child and clean up the so-called ‘mess’ he made. Yeah: no. Um, I don’t work here...?”

The mother and child had recently returned from a trip to Reseda, where they made a tour of the thrift stores there. It remains unclear how many people had been exposed to their terrible behavior.

Friday, November 15, 2019

What's Doing In Canoga Park — November 16 & 17

A Semi-Occasional Weekly Round-Up 
of Notable Canoga Park-Area Events,
For the Weekend of November 16 and 17

EAT!
Two classic Beef ‘n Cheddar sandwiches for $5.50 will make Date Night at Arby's a romantic evening to remember, keeping costs south of that all-important six-dollar mark. (Water cups and Horsey sauce are complimentary.) Check your mailbox for the flyer featuring this and other coupons. Eh, better check it now before that organized network of mail thieves make their rounds — they gotta eat, too!  Arby’s, 7011 Topanga Canyon Blvd, Canoga Park. Open Daily.

DRINK!
Pick up this sublime libation — inspired by a cocktail the host of What’s My Line? sipped when particularly vexed by Bennett Cerf's nit-picky questions — from your local 99¢ Only store for $1.99 and get your muthaf___in’ drank on! Generous 8% alcohol content means you just need one four-pack to get good and 'faced — and at only $1.99, you’ve got plenty of scratch left over for whatever you need to handle that vicious cheapshit-alcohol hangover you’ll be waking up with the next day.  99¢ Only Store, 20914 Sherman Way, Canoga Pk. Open 8am to 9pm.

SHOP!
Editor's Pick! The owners of Canoga Park’s hottest anything-goes nightclub, Avalerio have graciously allowed the few remaining members of The Canoga Park First Wednesday of the Month Women’s Club to host their annual “Holiday Boutique & Osteoporosis Testing Clinic” this Saturday on their club's dance floor. Plenty of festively fun gifts to choose from, many made with yarn and glitter. Delicious baked goods, too, somehow also containing yarn and glitter.  Avalerio Nightclub, 21813 Valerio St., Canoga Park. Saturday, 10-3.

GET FIT!
Get your steps in and work those calves with curb step-ups and curb step-downs as you head off the sidewalk and into the street and then back onto the sidewalk again and again and again to negotiate around dog feces, human feces, discarded mattresses, passed out individuals, passed out individuals on discarded mattresses, broken appliances, entire apartment's worth of furnishings (see above), homeless encampments, pop-up pupuserias and much, much more, as you take in the sights, sounds and smells of lively Variel Avenue, Canoga Park's very own 'Main Street, USA!'  Variel Avenue north of Sherman Way, open 24 hours, with a brisker pace suggested between the hours of 5pm to 9am.

RELAX!
Forget Netflix! The hell with Hulu! And Disney+ can take a magical flying leap! Your Canoga Park Nextdoor feed features much more compelling content in the form of Ring videos of local crimes being committed. Whoops, there go those boots Elaine up the street bought on Poshmark that she told me about!...Ooh, there's a fellow with, why, that looks like Jim-across-the-street's $1,200 mountain bike!...Hey, this sassy lassie's taking off with Mertyl's diabetes medicine — hope she can use it!...And here's a nude, erratic homeless gent angrily rattling someone's doorknob — well, that's what security doors are for! Tons of footage featuring new and binge-worthy suspicious activity added daily.  And did we mention it’s free? Nextdoor.com/CanogaPark/search:ring_videos/


Correction: John Daly is a golfer, and his canned 'Hard Tea' drink is delicious. John Charles Daly hosted "What's My Line?" and likely drank nothing during the filming of the show, but if he did, it was probably Dorothy Kilgallen, not Bennett, who drove him to do so. We regret the error.

Saturday, November 2, 2019

LA Fitness Chatsworth Location Really, Really, REALLY Closing for Renovation This Time, Seriously

By Blythe Moorcraft, Quilt staff

DATELINE: DE SOTO AVENUE

LA Fitness’ Chatsworth location is really closing for renovations this time, seriously, says corporate spokestrainer Shepherd Wolfe.  “Listen, we’re seriously closing on Sunday, I swear. We’re not kidding this time. If you think we’re kidding, well, we’re not. I promise," insists Wolfe. "‘Cause after Sunday, you’ll have to go work out somewhere else until June nineteenth of next year, when we’ll reopen.”

Industry experts predict that given LA Fitness’s track record for keeping to a renovation timetable, the updated gym — if it actually does close on Sunday — should be back open for business sometime in August of 2037.

The Chatsworth fitness center, popular with cranky retirees, reprobates, people with poor hygiene who don't wipe down machines, and the socially awkward — at least according to Yelp Reviews — previously threatened to close for renovations in 2018, 2016, 2015, 2013, 2012, and 2009. Each time, mitigating circumstances prevented much ballyhooed planned upgrades from moving forward at the last minute, much to the chagrin of members who joined the gym in 2009, 2012, 2013, 2015, 2016 and 2018 specifically on the promise of impending upgrades.

“No, this time, we’re serious. Really,” notes on-site facility manager Susan Elliott.  “Frankly, at this point, we have no choice. Members have been looting the weight room of all the Iron Grip 25-, 35-, and 45-pound plates for the past month and a half. There’s practically nothing left in there."

Related -  Editorial: Maybe if LA Fitness Actually Enforced Their Fucking Rule About No Fucking Gym Bags In Workout Areas, Thieving Douchebags Wouldn’t Be Stealing All Their Fucking Equipment

Thursday, October 10, 2019

Homeless Woman Singing In Storm Drain Goes Viral, Captivates Canoga Park

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff





DATELINE: NORDHOFF STREET

A homeless woman living in a storm drain near the corner of Nordhoff and DeSoto, in Canoga Park’s bustling NordSoto neighborhood has captured the hearts of all who have experienced her melodious tones wafting up through the grate, over the Drains to Ocean emblem, and into their earholes.

“I can’t believe a voice so beautiful is coming from somebody living in the sewer. They need to give her a recording contract,” said Ted Pasternak, an assembler at a local pool filter company, who paused to listen on his way to Subway to get lunch. “Of course, on the other hand, we pull her out of there, suddenly someone’s got to find her a place to live and no one knows where to put these people anymore.

“Well, she sure sounds happy down there, anyway,” he added before heading off to get his footlong Italian BMT on 9-grain honey oat with extra banana peppers.

Underground Music: Passersby have been delighted by the remarkable melodies emanating
from a storm drain near the corner of Nordhoff and Desoto in Canoga Park's industrial quarter.

Others echoed his sentiment as they listened to the mystery woman sing something that many described as an operatic aria:

Bimbo squalo, doo doo doo doo, nonno squalo, doo doo doo doo, andiamo a caccia, finalmente al securo...

“It’s beautiful. Haunting, really. And to think it’s coming from down there,” said Bernice Knudsen, on her lunch break at an insurance claims office. “This is the feel-good story of my daily walk over to Starbucks.”

Darula: Anxious for lunch.
   Added metal fabricator Budek "Bud" Darula,
   heading back to work carrying a bag from
   Yoshinoya, “That singing! It's just amazing.
   If there’s a Go Fund Me that I can throw a
   nominal amount of money at so I feel like
   I’m doing something good without getting
   further involved, I’m all for it.

   "But right now I gots to gets back to the shop
   before this here beef bowl gets cold!”

Industry experts estimate the subterranean chanteuse could have a lucrative three-or-four week career making inspiring, tearjerking appearances on various talk shows, competing on reality competitions and providing a cappella music for Ellen to dance to — once someone from the Department of Public Works gets over there with one of those manhole cover lifters and she’s brought topside, hosed down and given a fresh set of duds.  “Then the sky’s the limit!” predicts Ari Vaskigorgian of Peppy Talent Representation & Day Laborer Procurement on Saticoy.  “At least for about a month until we all move on to something else.”

                                                 • • • • •

Correction: Turns out there was no homeless woman in the sewer but a musical, multilingual Baby Shark toy that likely was flung out a backseat car window by a fussy toddler, landed in the storm drain, somehow became shorted out from the water and got switched onto the Italian language version of the popular song.  
                                                                           We regret the error.