Friday, November 15, 2019

What's Doing In Canoga Park — November 16 & 17

A Semi-Occasional Weekly Round-Up 
of Notable Canoga Park-Area Events,
For the Weekend of November 16 and 17

EAT!
Two classic Beef ‘n Cheddar sandwiches for $5.50 will make Date Night at Arby's a romantic evening to remember, keeping costs south of that all-important six-dollar mark. (Water cups and Horsey sauce are complimentary.) Check your mailbox for the flyer featuring this and other coupons. Eh, better check it now before that organized network of mail thieves make their rounds — they gotta eat, too!  Arby’s, 7011 Topanga Canyon Blvd, Canoga Park. Open Daily.

DRINK!
Pick up this sublime libation — inspired by a cocktail the host of What’s My Line? sipped when particularly vexed by Bennett Cerf's nit-picky questions — from your local 99¢ Only store for $1.99 and get your muthaf___in’ drank on! Generous 8% alcohol content means you just need one four-pack to get good and 'faced — and at only $1.99, you’ve got plenty of scratch left over for whatever you need to handle that vicious cheapshit-alcohol hangover you’ll be waking up with the next day.  99¢ Only Store, 20914 Sherman Way, Canoga Pk. Open 8am to 9pm.

SHOP!
Editor's Pick! The owners of Canoga Park’s hottest anything-goes nightclub, Avalerio have graciously allowed the few remaining members of The Canoga Park First Wednesday of the Month Women’s Club to host their annual “Holiday Boutique & Osteoporosis Testing Clinic” this Saturday on their club's dance floor. Plenty of festively fun gifts to choose from, many made with yarn and glitter. Delicious baked goods, too, somehow also containing yarn and glitter.  Avalerio Nightclub, 21813 Valerio St., Canoga Park. Saturday, 10-3.

GET FIT!
Get your steps in and work those calves with curb step-ups and curb step-downs as you head off the sidewalk and into the street and then back onto the sidewalk again and again and again to negotiate around dog feces, human feces, discarded mattresses, passed out individuals, passed out individuals on discarded mattresses, broken appliances, entire apartment's worth of furnishings (see above), homeless encampments, pop-up pupuserias and much, much more, as you take in the sights, sounds and smells of lively Variel Avenue, Canoga Park's very own 'Main Street, USA!'  Variel Avenue north of Sherman Way, open 24 hours, with a brisker pace suggested between the hours of 5pm to 9am.

RELAX!
Forget Netflix! The hell with Hulu! And Disney+ can take a magical flying leap! Your Canoga Park Nextdoor feed features much more compelling content in the form of Ring videos of local crimes being committed. Whoops, there go those boots Elaine up the street bought on Poshmark that she told me about!...Ooh, there's a fellow with, why, that looks like Jim-across-the-street's $1,200 mountain bike!...Hey, this sassy lassie's taking off with Mertyl's diabetes medicine — hope she can use it!...And here's a nude, erratic homeless gent angrily rattling someone's doorknob — well, that's what security doors are for! Tons of footage featuring new and binge-worthy suspicious activity added daily.  And did we mention it’s free? Nextdoor.com/CanogaPark/search:ring_videos/


Correction: John Daly is a golfer, and his canned 'Hard Tea' drink is delicious. John Charles Daly hosted "What's My Line?" and likely drank nothing during the filming of the show, but if he did, it was probably Dorothy Kilgallen, not Bennett, who drove him to do so. We regret the error.

Saturday, November 2, 2019

LA Fitness Chatsworth Location Really, Really, REALLY Closing for Renovation This Time, Seriously

By Blythe Moorcraft, Quilt staff

DATELINE: DE SOTO AVENUE

LA Fitness’ Chatsworth location is really closing for renovations this time, seriously, says corporate spokestrainer Shepherd Wolfe.  “Listen, we’re seriously closing on Sunday, I swear. We’re not kidding this time. If you think we’re kidding, well, we’re not. I promise," insists Wolfe. "‘Cause after Sunday, you’ll have to go work out somewhere else until June nineteenth of next year, when we’ll reopen.”

Industry experts predict that given LA Fitness’s track record for keeping to a renovation timetable, the updated gym — if it actually does close on Sunday — should be back open for business sometime in August of 2037.

The Chatsworth fitness center, popular with cranky retirees, reprobates, people with poor hygiene who don't wipe down machines, and the socially awkward — at least according to Yelp Reviews — previously threatened to close for renovations in 2018, 2016, 2015, 2013, 2012, and 2009. Each time, mitigating circumstances prevented much ballyhooed planned upgrades from moving forward at the last minute, much to the chagrin of members who joined the gym in 2009, 2012, 2013, 2015, 2016 and 2018 specifically on the promise of impending upgrades.

“No, this time, we’re serious. Really,” notes on-site facility manager Susan Elliott.  “Frankly, at this point, we have no choice. Members have been looting the weight room of all the Iron Grip 25-, 35-, and 45-pound plates for the past month and a half. There’s practically nothing left in there."

Related -  Editorial: Maybe if LA Fitness Actually Enforced Their Fucking Rule About No Fucking Gym Bags In Workout Areas, Thieving Douchebags Wouldn’t Be Stealing All Their Fucking Equipment

Thursday, October 10, 2019

Homeless Woman Singing In Storm Drain Goes Viral, Captivates Canoga Park

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff





DATELINE: NORDHOFF STREET

A homeless woman living in a storm drain near the corner of Nordhoff and DeSoto, in Canoga Park’s bustling NordSoto neighborhood has captured the hearts of all who have experienced her melodious tones wafting up through the grate, over the Drains to Ocean emblem, and into their earholes.

“I can’t believe a voice so beautiful is coming from somebody living in the sewer. They need to give her a recording contract,” said Ted Pasternak, an assembler at a local pool filter company, who paused to listen on his way to Subway to get lunch. “Of course, on the other hand, we pull her out of there, suddenly someone’s got to find her a place to live and no one knows where to put these people anymore.

“Well, she sure sounds happy down there, anyway,” he added before heading off to get his footlong Italian BMT on 9-grain honey oat with extra banana peppers.

Underground Music: Passersby have been delighted by the remarkable melodies emanating
from a storm drain near the corner of Nordhoff and Desoto in Canoga Park's industrial quarter.

Others echoed his sentiment as they listened to the mystery woman sing something that many described as an operatic aria:

Bimbo squalo, doo doo doo doo, nonno squalo, doo doo doo doo, andiamo a caccia, finalmente al securo...

“It’s beautiful. Haunting, really. And to think it’s coming from down there,” said Bernice Knudsen, on her lunch break at an insurance claims office. “This is the feel-good story of my daily walk over to Starbucks.”

Darula: Anxious for lunch.
   Added metal fabricator Budek "Bud" Darula,
   heading back to work carrying a bag from
   Yoshinoya, “That singing! It's just amazing.
   If there’s a Go Fund Me that I can throw a
   nominal amount of money at so I feel like
   I’m doing something good without getting
   further involved, I’m all for it.

   "But right now I gots to gets back to the shop
   before this here beef bowl gets cold!”

Industry experts estimate the subterranean chanteuse could have a lucrative three-or-four week career making inspiring, tearjerking appearances on various talk shows, competing on reality competitions and providing a cappella music for Ellen to dance to — once someone from the Department of Public Works gets over there with one of those manhole cover lifters and she’s brought topside, hosed down and given a fresh set of duds.  “Then the sky’s the limit!” predicts Ari Vaskigorgian of Peppy Talent Representation & Day Laborer Procurement on Saticoy.  “At least for about a month until we all move on to something else.”

                                                 • • • • •

Correction: Turns out there was no homeless woman in the sewer but a musical, multilingual Baby Shark toy that likely was flung out a backseat car window by a fussy toddler, landed in the storm drain, somehow became shorted out from the water and got switched onto the Italian language version of the popular song.  
                                                                           We regret the error.

Monday, May 27, 2019

Barebones, Perfunctory Coverage of 30th Annual Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade!

By Quilt Staff

DATELINE: CELEBRATING THE REMEMBRANCE OF THOSE WE MEMORIALIZE

It was the event three decades in the making.  Well, if you go by parades and and not armed conflicts represented (in which case we should start counting from our entrance into World War II). But then since this is Memorial Day, perhaps it might be better if we started counting from the first celebration of such (1868) making this an event over a century and a half in the making. 

But what of those we lost during the American Revolution? Should we really forget them on Memorial Day?  

...It was the event 244 years in the making. And the weather couldn't have been more temperate, mild and/or agreeable.  Thank God, right? The last six years of this, we've all been roasting out there. And Canoga Park crowds are not known for their delicate bouquet — especially in hot weather! When was the last time those armpits of yours saw a bar of Zote or a stick of deodorant? Or a stick of Winterfresh gum for that matter? Awright then.

And so the 30th Annual Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade made its way down Sherman Way this morning as thousands of people lined the streets.

Thankfully, these homeless folks were temporarily relocated, the sidewalks quickly steam-cleaned, and legitimate parade-watchers quickly took their place.

But enough of all this folderol! You came here for the pictures! For the pictures taken with a piece-of-crap phone because our photographer forgot to charge the battery pack for his — ooh-la-la! — expensive, professional camera last night!

On with the show!  Oh, and be sure to check us out on the, whaddayacall, Facebook, for more, better coverage!


A World War II veteran!


A veteran of the Korean War — or "military conflict" if you're Hollywood peacenik Alan Alda!


A Vietnam vet!


A veteran from the Cold War era!


Veterans from Operation Iraqi Freedom and another such Operation!
Forgive us, but our stupid research department can't figure out what OED stands for.
Rest assured they've been courtmartialed and have lost breakroom privileges.


Here we've got some Desert Strike / Desert Storm vets!


And last but not least, the gents from Wings Over Wendys!
Thank you, one and all, for your service!

Also, thanks to those who followed along behind the vaqueros and cleaned up all the horse shit along Sherman Way. You folks really are the unsung heroes of the day!

Happy Memorial Day!

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Canoga Park Resident Hopes For Quick End To Teachers’ Strike

By Blythe Moorcraft, Quilt staff

DATELINE: VASSAR AVENUE
Staff photo.
Canoga Park resident Teódor Ted Pasternak has a message for the LAUSD Board of Education: “Give these teachers what they want!”

Pasternak — an assembler at a local pool filter manufacturer who has no children of his own but if he did, they’d go to private schools — may seem like an unlikely ally for Los Angeles school teachers who have been on strike since Monday, demanding reductions in pay, a 6.5 percent increase in standardized testing, more class sizes and smaller nurses. 
Pasternak. File photo.

But he’s thrown his support firmly behind the picketing educators, or pickucators, hoping for a quick end to what has become a contentious strike.

“I live across the street from Canoga Park Elementary,” explains Pasternak. “I’ve been home the last few days, sick with a cold, trying to get some goddamn rest.

“And every morning, those assholes are out there with a bullhorn chanting God-knows-what, I can’t even make it out. At seven-fucking-thirty in the morning!

“Christ almighty, give them whatever the fuck they want so I can get some goddamn sleep!

Friday, December 21, 2018

LA’s HOUSING CRISIS
Body of Gingerbread Man Found In Over-Crowded, Illegally-Converted Cookie Garage

By Jingle McSprinkles, special to the Quilt.

DATELINE: GUMDROP LANE

Authorities with the Los Angeles Department of Holiday Baking, responding to potential zoning violations at a Canoga Park residence, uncovered tragedy when they discovered a body, broken into several pieces, among a baker’s dozen of gingerbread men living in cramped, crumby conditions in an illegally converted garage made of substandard graham crackers behind the main gingerbread house.


Warning—Delicious Content: The body of a broken gingerbread man found in Canoga Park. Photo: LAPD.

“I can confirm that we do have a fatality,” says department spokesperson Roxanna Panettone. “However, this is an ongoing investigation so I can’t say anything more. Except Merry Christmas!”

Neighbors say they’ve been complaining to various city entities including the LAPD since the problems — including noise, the smell of rancid nutmeg, and unregistered sleighs blocking neighboring driveways — began shortly after Thanksgiving when the large group moved in. But, according to residents, neither the police nor any municipal agency has responded until now. 

“It’s been a nightmare,” says Cinnamon Pfeffernusse, who lives next door. “Wassailing at all hours of the night, half-eaten mini-marshmallows tossed over the fence into my yard. The fellow two doors down came out one morning to find one of them trying to break into his little cookie car with a candy cane. 


Crowded House: The illegally converted garage was home to a tasty baker's dozen of mischievous
little gingerbread men including one who likely crumbled due to overcrowded conditions. Staff photo.

“And the drugs! Not only are these people dealing confectioner’s sugar — a diabetic OD’d in front of my house last week! — we can smell that they’re cooking caramel in there, too. Forget visions of sugarplums. The only thing dancing in my head at three a.m. is the worry that there’s going to be some massive explosion and the whole block goes up in flames. 

“But of course the City of LA only reacts after the problem gets way out of control. And I still doubt they’ll actually do anything.”

When asked about the situation, Mayor Eric Garcetti said all cookies should be treated with compassion and empathy, lauding both the landlord and his garage residents for their irresponsible resourcefulness before segueing into yet another pitch for his enormously unpopular Gingerbridge Housing for the Homeless initiative.

Friday, August 10, 2018

Record-Breaking Heatwave During Peak Moving Season Renders Canoga Park Sidewalks Impassable With Deserted Furniture

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff






DATELINE: ON THE STREET WHERE YOU LIVE 

The normal summer increase of apartment residents moving from one home to another combined with the proliferation of cheap, disposable home furnishings, a general apathy towards civic pride and perhaps most significantly, the intense heat wave affecting the West Valley area since the beginning of the month has resulted in a ‘perfect storm’ situation, with thousands of pieces of perfectly good, shitty furniture being abandoned along the sidewalks of Canoga Park.

A selection of low-cost used home furnishings abandoned on, where was this?, Valerio. Staff photo.
“We’re seeing an unprecedented uptick in the number of discarded chairs, love seats, headboards and miscellaneous IKEA furnishings lining our curbs and sidewalks,” says Dev Noorvash who tracks furniture migration for the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council. “Canoga Park streets generally have an average of thirty-two old sofas per block. Since August first, that number has climbed to well over seventy-five.”

 Bed frames, chairs and more left by former residents of...hmm...Valerio Street, probably. Staff photo.
“I was helping my cousin move last week an’ shit...?” says Radek Murta of Blythe Street “And we started early but even by eleven an’ shit, it was so hot that after we got his bed and TV and some boxes of his clothes an’ shit on the truck, we looked at the rest of his furniture and we were like ‘fuck it!’ and just left it there.”

Similar scenarios played out throughout the West Valley area. 

“My sister was moving into her own place, right?” explains Nicolas Varga of Remmet Avenue “And our Mom gave her an old couch that I had to pick up at the house in Chatsworth, lug it down the front walk, load on the roof of my car, tie it down and drive it to the new place — then drag it up two flights of stairs. By myself. By the time I get there, it’s 110º and I’m already doing this shit since eight a.m. So I just said ‘fuck it!’ and left it on the sidewalk. I mean, I’m not jack-assing that thing up a narrow outside staircase with two turns in this weather!”

An apartment's worth of furniture sits roadside, well, if not on Valerio, then likely nearby. Staff photo.
Across town, Nadia Nogueira says a friend from work promised to help her move but never showed up. “So me and my boyfriend ended up moving a lot of my [belongings] ourselves. But there was just too much stuff, it was too heavy and it was so effing hot, I couldn’t deal with loading up my Explorer for even one more trip  — not in this heat! — so I just decided ‘fuck it!’ and left the dining room table and the chairs. I always eat in front of the TV anyway.”

These four chairs have left the dining room for greener pastures on, let's see, oh yes, Valerio. Staff photo.
Her boyfriend Alex agrees. “She just bought a new entertainment center three months ago. But it was too big for me to move alone. What the hell happened to this asshole friend of hers from work?!  It took me an hour to get it out her door and down the stairs and already I was sweating like a pig,” he says, “By the time I managed to drag that thing out the security gate of the building, I thought I was having heatstroke and, fuck it!, that was it, I was done! Goddamn thing is probably still there.”

(Reached for comment, Nadia's co-worker, Ted Pasternak, told the Quilt, “Yeah, I know I said I’d help [Nadia], but I barely know her and she only asked me because I have a pickup truck. When I woke up that morning, it was already 98º in the shade, so I was like ‘fuck it!’ and just blew her off.”)

A handsome arrangement of tasteful furnishings seen here on Sati— Correction! Valerio.  Staff photo.
Traditionally, cast-off furniture left by the side of the road becomes the responsibility of the LA Department of Sanitation’s Bulky Item Collection service after the department has logged a minimum of eighteen increasingly desperate or angry calls per item, pile of items, or address. “Then, eh, maybe we’ll send someone out to take a look,” says department spokesman Albert Sousa. “But usually, we get about a dozen requests before whoever is reporting it just says ‘fuck it!’ and gives up.”


RELATED: Canoga Park Sidewalks A Scavenger’s Paradise For Perfectly Good, Shitty Furniture