Monday, January 6, 2020

Mysterious Catastrophic Event Ties Up Entire Topanga Division From Following Up On Noise Complaint For Six Hours, Says LAPD

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff.

DATELINE: VASSAR AVENUE

An evidently enormous and catastrophic yet completely unidentified emergency prevented anyone from the entire Topanga Division of the Los Angeles Police Department to follow up on numerous calls for a noise complaint in Canoga Park on Sunday night.  According to reports the unknown incident was “so...um...huge that...er...that all available units were...uh...unavailable. For six hours.”

“Sunday nights, aaah, we kinda take it easy,” said (non-)responding Officer Hugh Sless. “Whoops! Eh...what I mean to say, er, is there was a really big...thing...going down... ...umm...on... ...uh...Whatsit Street — yeah, let’s go with that. All units were...um...occupied.  It was a... ...eh... ...major incident. We were all...ya know... ...busy...dealing with that. For — how long did that party last? — for, right!, six hours. All of us were tied up with that other thing, whatever it was. Everyone. Sure, why not?”

Everyone was busy! Handling a situation! For six hours! Fun!  Photo: Eh, we got it from the YouTube.
Details of the cataclysmic yet wholly ambiguous emergency—that apparently unfolded in an undisclosed area without sirens or police helicopter presence and kept any and all police officers from responding to multiple calls about a "party so fucking loud the ground was shaking" for six hours—were not so much sketchy as completely non-existent.

Explains renowned canogaparkologist Bob Farrell of the Owensmouth/Canoga Historical League, “With great reverence for our local police, I would tend to doubt the whole ‘big emergency elsewhere’ explanation.

Historianist Bob Farrell. File photo.
“In the entire history Canoga Park, there has never ever been a single instance of an out-of-control loud party which has been curtailed by the police and not ended as it would have anyway, at whatever time those in attendance just get tired of maintaining a sustained level of chaos, they run out of cheap booze or just pass out on the ground.”

That’s not to say that police never show up, he notes: “Oh, they do. But they do so at least six to eight hours after the last complaint has been lodged — long after the party has ended organically on its own, in a studied effort to prevent any kind of noise enforcement. It’s quite fascinating, actually.”

Indeed, independent research confirms that there is no record of any noise citations ever being issued in Canoga Park’s 108 year history. “It’s a record we’re proud of,” beams Officer Sless.

Noise from the boisterous wing-ding was reported up to a half-mile away from the party’s Vassar Avenue and Cohasset epicenter, on what would otherwise have been a peaceful Sunday night and featured among other things, eleven Banda musicians plus a singer all evidently performing different songs simultaneously, poorly, with the festivities drawing to a close sometime after midnight. Partygoers, led by their young children, had stumbled to vehicles by twelve-thirty and drunkenly drove home; or in all likelihood, headed to other parties elsewhere for more carousing, and later, more drunken driving.

LAPD West Valley Public Relations Support Officer In Charge Of Having To Reluctantly Deal With The Public, Reed N. Malloy says, “Technically, this isn’t an issue at all. We’re pleased to note that noise complaints have long been on a growing list that now encompasses over three dozen different crimes we will no longer respond to nor enforce in an effort to build a sense of trust with Canoga Park’s vibrant law-breaking community.”

Malloy did note, however, that LAPD’s legendary long wait times to reach a non-emergency dispatch operator were marginally shorter than they’ve been in recent months, so now citizens will “at least have to wait a few seconds less to report something we’re just going to ignore anyway. So that’s good, right?”

Friday, November 15, 2019

What's Doing In Canoga Park — November 16 & 17

A Semi-Occasional Weekly Round-Up 
of Notable Canoga Park-Area Events,
For the Weekend of November 16 and 17

EAT!
Two classic Beef ‘n Cheddar sandwiches for $5.50 will make Date Night at Arby's a romantic evening to remember, keeping costs south of that all-important six-dollar mark. (Water cups and Horsey sauce are complimentary.) Check your mailbox for the flyer featuring this and other coupons. Eh, better check it now before that organized network of mail thieves make their rounds — they gotta eat, too!  Arby’s, 7011 Topanga Canyon Blvd, Canoga Park. Open Daily.

DRINK!
Pick up this sublime libation — inspired by a cocktail the host of What’s My Line? sipped when particularly vexed by Bennett Cerf's nit-picky questions — from your local 99¢ Only store for $1.99 and get your muthaf___in’ drank on! Generous 8% alcohol content means you just need one four-pack to get good and 'faced — and at only $1.99, you’ve got plenty of scratch left over for whatever you need to handle that vicious cheapshit-alcohol hangover you’ll be waking up with the next day.  99¢ Only Store, 20914 Sherman Way, Canoga Pk. Open 8am to 9pm.

SHOP!
Editor's Pick! The owners of Canoga Park’s hottest anything-goes nightclub, Avalerio have graciously allowed the few remaining members of The Canoga Park First Wednesday of the Month Women’s Club to host their annual “Holiday Boutique & Osteoporosis Testing Clinic” this Saturday on their club's dance floor. Plenty of festively fun gifts to choose from, many made with yarn and glitter. Delicious baked goods, too, somehow also containing yarn and glitter.  Avalerio Nightclub, 21813 Valerio St., Canoga Park. Saturday, 10-3.

GET FIT!
Get your steps in and work those calves with curb step-ups and curb step-downs as you head off the sidewalk and into the street and then back onto the sidewalk again and again and again to negotiate around dog feces, human feces, discarded mattresses, passed out individuals, passed out individuals on discarded mattresses, broken appliances, entire apartment's worth of furnishings (see above), homeless encampments, pop-up pupuserias and much, much more, as you take in the sights, sounds and smells of lively Variel Avenue, Canoga Park's very own 'Main Street, USA!'  Variel Avenue north of Sherman Way, open 24 hours, with a brisker pace suggested between the hours of 5pm to 9am.

RELAX!
Forget Netflix! The hell with Hulu! And Disney+ can take a magical flying leap! Your Canoga Park Nextdoor feed features much more compelling content in the form of Ring videos of local crimes being committed. Whoops, there go those boots Elaine up the street bought on Poshmark that she told me about!...Ooh, there's a fellow with, why, that looks like Jim-across-the-street's $1,200 mountain bike!...Hey, this sassy lassie's taking off with Mertyl's diabetes medicine — hope she can use it!...And here's a nude, erratic homeless gent angrily rattling someone's doorknob — well, that's what security doors are for! Tons of footage featuring new and binge-worthy suspicious activity added daily.  And did we mention it’s free? Nextdoor.com/CanogaPark/search:ring_videos/


Correction: John Daly is a golfer, and his canned 'Hard Tea' drink is delicious. John Charles Daly hosted "What's My Line?" and likely drank nothing during the filming of the show, but if he did, it was probably Dorothy Kilgallen, not Bennett, who drove him to do so. We regret the error.

Saturday, November 2, 2019

LA Fitness Chatsworth Location Really, Really, REALLY Closing for Renovation This Time, Seriously

By Blythe Moorcraft, Quilt staff

DATELINE: DE SOTO AVENUE

LA Fitness’ Chatsworth location is really closing for renovations this time, seriously, says corporate spokestrainer Shepherd Wolfe.  “Listen, we’re seriously closing on Sunday, I swear. We’re not kidding this time. If you think we’re kidding, well, we’re not. I promise," insists Wolfe. "‘Cause after Sunday, you’ll have to go work out somewhere else until June nineteenth of next year, when we’ll reopen.”

Industry experts predict that given LA Fitness’s track record for keeping to a renovation timetable, the updated gym — if it actually does close on Sunday — should be back open for business sometime in August of 2037.

The Chatsworth fitness center, popular with cranky retirees, reprobates, people with poor hygiene who don't wipe down machines, and the socially awkward — at least according to Yelp Reviews — previously threatened to close for renovations in 2018, 2016, 2015, 2013, 2012, and 2009. Each time, mitigating circumstances prevented much ballyhooed planned upgrades from moving forward at the last minute, much to the chagrin of members who joined the gym in 2009, 2012, 2013, 2015, 2016 and 2018 specifically on the promise of impending upgrades.

“No, this time, we’re serious. Really,” notes on-site facility manager Susan Elliott.  “Frankly, at this point, we have no choice. Members have been looting the weight room of all the Iron Grip 25-, 35-, and 45-pound plates for the past month and a half. There’s practically nothing left in there."

Related -  Editorial: Maybe if LA Fitness Actually Enforced Their Fucking Rule About No Fucking Gym Bags In Workout Areas, Thieving Douchebags Wouldn’t Be Stealing All Their Fucking Equipment

Thursday, October 10, 2019

Homeless Woman Singing In Storm Drain Goes Viral, Captivates Canoga Park

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff





DATELINE: NORDHOFF STREET

A homeless woman living in a storm drain near the corner of Nordhoff and DeSoto, in Canoga Park’s bustling NordSoto neighborhood has captured the hearts of all who have experienced her melodious tones wafting up through the grate, over the Drains to Ocean emblem, and into their earholes.

“I can’t believe a voice so beautiful is coming from somebody living in the sewer. They need to give her a recording contract,” said Ted Pasternak, an assembler at a local pool filter company, who paused to listen on his way to Subway to get lunch. “Of course, on the other hand, we pull her out of there, suddenly someone’s got to find her a place to live and no one knows where to put these people anymore.

“Well, she sure sounds happy down there, anyway,” he added before heading off to get his footlong Italian BMT on 9-grain honey oat with extra banana peppers.

Underground Music: Passersby have been delighted by the remarkable melodies emanating
from a storm drain near the corner of Nordhoff and Desoto in Canoga Park's industrial quarter.

Others echoed his sentiment as they listened to the mystery woman sing something that many described as an operatic aria:

Bimbo squalo, doo doo doo doo, nonno squalo, doo doo doo doo, andiamo a caccia, finalmente al securo...

“It’s beautiful. Haunting, really. And to think it’s coming from down there,” said Bernice Knudsen, on her lunch break at an insurance claims office. “This is the feel-good story of my daily walk over to Starbucks.”

Darula: Anxious for lunch.
   Added metal fabricator Budek "Bud" Darula,
   heading back to work carrying a bag from
   Yoshinoya, “That singing! It's just amazing.
   If there’s a Go Fund Me that I can throw a
   nominal amount of money at so I feel like
   I’m doing something good without getting
   further involved, I’m all for it.

   "But right now I gots to gets back to the shop
   before this here beef bowl gets cold!”

Industry experts estimate the subterranean chanteuse could have a lucrative three-or-four week career making inspiring, tearjerking appearances on various talk shows, competing on reality competitions and providing a cappella music for Ellen to dance to — once someone from the Department of Public Works gets over there with one of those manhole cover lifters and she’s brought topside, hosed down and given a fresh set of duds.  “Then the sky’s the limit!” predicts Ari Vaskigorgian of Peppy Talent Representation & Day Laborer Procurement on Saticoy.  “At least for about a month until we all move on to something else.”

                                                 • • • • •

Correction: Turns out there was no homeless woman in the sewer but a musical, multilingual Baby Shark toy that likely was flung out a backseat car window by a fussy toddler, landed in the storm drain, somehow became shorted out from the water and got switched onto the Italian language version of the popular song.  
                                                                           We regret the error.

Monday, May 27, 2019

Barebones, Perfunctory Coverage of 30th Annual Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade!

By Quilt Staff

DATELINE: CELEBRATING THE REMEMBRANCE OF THOSE WE MEMORIALIZE

It was the event three decades in the making.  Well, if you go by parades and and not armed conflicts represented (in which case we should start counting from our entrance into World War II). But then since this is Memorial Day, perhaps it might be better if we started counting from the first celebration of such (1868) making this an event over a century and a half in the making. 

But what of those we lost during the American Revolution? Should we really forget them on Memorial Day?  

...It was the event 244 years in the making. And the weather couldn't have been more temperate, mild and/or agreeable.  Thank God, right? The last six years of this, we've all been roasting out there. And Canoga Park crowds are not known for their delicate bouquet — especially in hot weather! When was the last time those armpits of yours saw a bar of Zote or a stick of deodorant? Or a stick of Winterfresh gum for that matter? Awright then.

And so the 30th Annual Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade made its way down Sherman Way this morning as thousands of people lined the streets.

Thankfully, these homeless folks were temporarily relocated, the sidewalks quickly steam-cleaned, and legitimate parade-watchers quickly took their place.

But enough of all this folderol! You came here for the pictures! For the pictures taken with a piece-of-crap phone because our photographer forgot to charge the battery pack for his — ooh-la-la! — expensive, professional camera last night!

On with the show!  Oh, and be sure to check us out on the, whaddayacall, Facebook, for more, better coverage!


A World War II veteran!


A veteran of the Korean War — or "military conflict" if you're Hollywood peacenik Alan Alda!


A Vietnam vet!


A veteran from the Cold War era!


Veterans from Operation Iraqi Freedom and another such Operation!
Forgive us, but our stupid research department can't figure out what OED stands for.
Rest assured they've been courtmartialed and have lost breakroom privileges.


Here we've got some Desert Strike / Desert Storm vets!


And last but not least, the gents from Wings Over Wendys!
Thank you, one and all, for your service!

Also, thanks to those who followed along behind the vaqueros and cleaned up all the horse shit along Sherman Way. You folks really are the unsung heroes of the day!

Happy Memorial Day!

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Canoga Park Resident Hopes For Quick End To Teachers’ Strike

By Blythe Moorcraft, Quilt staff

DATELINE: VASSAR AVENUE
Staff photo.
Canoga Park resident TeĆ³dor Ted Pasternak has a message for the LAUSD Board of Education: “Give these teachers what they want!”

Pasternak — an assembler at a local pool filter manufacturer who has no children of his own but if he did, they’d go to private schools — may seem like an unlikely ally for Los Angeles school teachers who have been on strike since Monday, demanding reductions in pay, a 6.5 percent increase in standardized testing, more class sizes and smaller nurses. 
Pasternak. File photo.

But he’s thrown his support firmly behind the picketing educators, or pickucators, hoping for a quick end to what has become a contentious strike.

“I live across the street from Canoga Park Elementary,” explains Pasternak. “I’ve been home the last few days, sick with a cold, trying to get some goddamn rest.

“And every morning, those assholes are out there with a bullhorn chanting God-knows-what, I can’t even make it out. At seven-fucking-thirty in the morning!

“Christ almighty, give them whatever the fuck they want so I can get some goddamn sleep!

Friday, December 21, 2018

LA’s HOUSING CRISIS
Body of Gingerbread Man Found In Over-Crowded, Illegally-Converted Cookie Garage

By Jingle McSprinkles, special to the Quilt.

DATELINE: GUMDROP LANE

Authorities with the Los Angeles Department of Holiday Baking, responding to potential zoning violations at a Canoga Park residence, uncovered tragedy when they discovered a body, broken into several pieces, among a baker’s dozen of gingerbread men living in cramped, crumby conditions in an illegally converted garage made of substandard graham crackers behind the main gingerbread house.


Warning—Delicious Content: The body of a broken gingerbread man found in Canoga Park. Photo: LAPD.

“I can confirm that we do have a fatality,” says department spokesperson Roxanna Panettone. “However, this is an ongoing investigation so I can’t say anything more. Except Merry Christmas!”

Neighbors say they’ve been complaining to various city entities including the LAPD since the problems — including noise, the smell of rancid nutmeg, and unregistered sleighs blocking neighboring driveways — began shortly after Thanksgiving when the large group moved in. But, according to residents, neither the police nor any municipal agency has responded until now. 

“It’s been a nightmare,” says Cinnamon Pfeffernusse, who lives next door. “Wassailing at all hours of the night, half-eaten mini-marshmallows tossed over the fence into my yard. The fellow two doors down came out one morning to find one of them trying to break into his little cookie car with a candy cane. 


Crowded House: The illegally converted garage was home to a tasty baker's dozen of mischievous
little gingerbread men including one who likely crumbled due to overcrowded conditions. Staff photo.

“And the drugs! Not only are these people dealing confectioner’s sugar — a diabetic OD’d in front of my house last week! — we can smell that they’re cooking caramel in there, too. Forget visions of sugarplums. The only thing dancing in my head at three a.m. is the worry that there’s going to be some massive explosion and the whole block goes up in flames. 

“But of course the City of LA only reacts after the problem gets way out of control. And I still doubt they’ll actually do anything.”

When asked about the situation, Mayor Eric Garcetti said all cookies should be treated with compassion and empathy, lauding both the landlord and his garage residents for their irresponsible resourcefulness before segueing into yet another pitch for his enormously unpopular Gingerbridge Housing for the Homeless initiative.