Sunday, February 26, 2023

Dozens Suffer Frostbite As Temps Plummet During Ill-Timed 'IcicLAvia"

By Blythe Moorcroft, Quilt staff


Nanooks of the North (of Vanowen) Two hardy souls head toward Reseda
despite frigid temperatures resulting in mildly severe loss of comfort. Staff photo.

Nearly all fifty-three participants in today's under-attended CicLAvia event between Reseda and Canoga Park were treated for severe frostbite due to the extreme low temperatures in the West San Fernando Valley. Many permanently lost fingers, toes and other assorted extremities as a result of the sub-pleasant cold weather, which were conveniently amputated free of charge at the First Aid booth, dubbed "Ice Station Reseda," located on Sherman Way at Tampa outside Grocery Outlet bargain market. 

CicLAvia, a semi-occasional, or every now and then, event closes down a major thoroughfare to automobile, or important, traffic to allow even casual bike riders to ride the way most dedicated cyclists ride most every day—like they own the goddamn road. The event is popular with both hipsters and thugs sharing what some have curiously described as “pride” in the community.

“I really didn’t want to come out today because of the frigid temperatures,” says De Soto Avenue resident Brian Rauschebart, clad in a –75º rated Gore-Tex jacket, below a Patagonia down-filled mountain-climbing parka, below a bright blue, green and orange retro puff jacket from Old Navy, “but my girlfriend pointed out I follow all these urban biking blogs and mindlessly retweet everything they post on Twitter about taking back our streets from cars.

“I’d rather get out here on my vintage 1980 Huffy Sweet Thunder girls bike and endure the loss of a few digits than have to listen to her call me on my bullshit for the foreseeable future.”

Held during the coldest, snappiest cold snap of Los Angeles recorded history, today's freestyle bicycle rally was a change from other West Valley public street-closing events, which are traditionally held during the absolutely hottest periods of the summer for reasons no one quite understands or can even begin to explain.

Correction: No one suffered from frostbite, but one toddler was riding a Paw Patrol bike with training wheels barefoot and got his big toe stuck between the chain and the gear and hollered like hell until his idiot parents managed to get him untangled. Also, it was chilly out there but really, quite nice; and updated crowd estimates put the number of participants severely higher than 53, as it turns out. We regret the error.

Sunday, January 29, 2023


By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff



Staff photo.

Dozens Feared Trapped Inside, Still Waiting In Line


Discount retailer Big Lots, known for its discount merchandise, its lack of price tags on its discount merchandise or on the shelves where its discount merchandise is stocked, and its impossibly long, slow-moving checkout lines of customers trying to purchase its nebulously priced discount merchandise, has closed its Canoga Park location effectively immediately.

“Yeah, Danny, our cashier—he never came back from his fifteen, so we just decided to close up shop and board the place up,” says [former] Canoga Park Big Lots manager Esther Galinda. “—because I sure as hell ain’t going to open another register.”

Discount retail experts estimate that up to forty customers, all likely muttering “Ridiculous!” under their breath, are presumed to be still waiting in line inside—many clutching items that would have required an overlong price check and the assistance of at least two additional employees, one of whom either called in sick that day or is on lunch.


Correction: Turns out that no one is trapped inside, and Big Lots closure is likely due to an economic downturn and high inflation, coupled with increasing issues with theft from Canoga Park’s blossoming homeless population exploiting California’s Prop. 47 $950 merchandise free-for-all.  We regret the error.

Related: Cool, Envelope-Pushing Canoga Park Taggers Excited To Christen Virgin Plywood Of Closed Storefront With Provocative, Self-Styled Nicknames Based On Formerly Sinister Marijuana Culture

Saturday, December 24, 2022

Trendy Pop-Up Chop Shop Opens For Last-Minute Bicycle Shoppers In Canoga Park's Old Town Area

By Nita Keswick, Quilt staff


Last minute-shoppers in Canoga Park are in luck as the Christmas shopping season has dwindled from weeks and days to mere hours.

A trendy pop-up chop shop has opened on Valerio Street near Remmet Avenue, in Canoga Park’s bustling Remmalerio district, catering to those whose preferred method of transportation, even in this joyful holiday season, runs more toward bicycle rather than sleigh.

Chop Locally: Buy your new bike, or, in many cases,
your old bike at this handy pop-up shop. Staff photo.

“We’ve got all kinds of bikes; whatever you need, we got, or we can cobble together a custom job for your needs or, uh, fuckin’ price-point,” says Ernie “Nalgas” Holvik, the shop’s proprietor. “Our prices can’t be beat, either. I just sold an almost brand new, $2800 aluminum frame Rockhopper for $40 cash and a fifth of Fireball. I’m keeping motherfuckin’ warm tonight.”

They take custom orders, too. “You want a specific type of bike, you let me or my boys know. Even better if you can tell us where you seen it, and whether where you seen it has one of those fuckin' Ring cameras or not,” Nalgas says, as he hands an assistant a West Hills address and a pair of bolt cutters. “We’ll grind off the serial number, switch out any distinctive, identifiable accessories, and have it ready for you within a matter of hours.

", that is to say, we'll customize it to your specifications an' shit."

The shop is open twenty-four hours, too, says Holvik, who also works part-time as a residential Amazon package reacquisition specialist. “I don’t give a shit what time it is. You want a deal on a bike, you bang on the window of my trailer if I’m not outside. If I don’t answer, break open the door and grab the naloxone injector out of my shirt pocket and for fuck’s sake restart my heart! I don’t forget shit like that. Someone did that for me last week and I threw in—for free!—a fuckin’ vintage banana seat on the bike he bought. 

"Hey, man, more than ever, you gotta do right by those that help you in this fuckin’ holiday season, ya know?”

Monday, September 13, 2021

Local Poll Shows Surprise Frontrunner In Governubtorial Recall Campaign Leading By Double Digits


By Brennan Callicot, special to the Quilt.

A recent, unofficial poll conducted at the ballot drop box outside the West Hills / Platt Avenue Branch of the Los Angeles Public Library yielded results which experts suggest indicate an uphill battle for both Gavin Newsom, a governor with the State of California, and those who would hope to replace him.

The ballot box — not a book return kiosk! — in happier days. Staff photo.

Ernie “Nalgas” Holvik, a local homeless, or locally unhoused, resident revealed the results after a late night shift as a freelance pollster. “Well, I’m not so much a pole-ster as a crowbar-ster, on account of I used a crowbar to pry this bastard open. Thought it was one of them Amazon lockers I been hearing about," explains Holvik.

After tallying the contents of the box, he offered the following data:

Klara and the Sun, Kazuo Ishiguro: 21

Of Women and Salt, Gabriela Garcia: 18

The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Eric Carle / The Four Winds, Kristin Hannah (tied): 16

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Hard Luck, Jeff Kinney: 14

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Suzanne Collins: 13

Empty Carl’s Jr. soft drink cup, large: 10

Feces, dog: 9

Crying In H Mart, Michelle Zuaner: 8

Feces, human: 7

Jury Duty Summons, reply-by-mail form: 4 

Recall Newsom: 3

Don’t Recall Newsom: 3

Of Women and Salt, trade paperback: 2

Some, including library employees, were not pleased by the results.

“Everyone on staff here told [representatives from the Secretary of State] that if they put that goddamn ballot drop-box here, right outside a fucking library, people would presume it’s a fucking book return kiosk no matter how the fuck it’s labeled — and they’d jam books in there, not ballots,” said Larry Symanski, Platt Library’s assistant to the regional librarian. “That’s the problem with these idiots — they don’t know how to fucking read! 

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m supposed to host a mid-afternoon Snack & Nap reading of Pat the Fucking Bunny to our Readin’ Rugrats pre-school group.”

Tuesday, November 3, 2020

Local Spider Determined To Save Democracy Spins Messages Of Advocacy In Canoga Park Webs

 By Nita Keswick, Quilt staff


A common orb weaver spider has taken it upon herself to save democracy, neé, the entire USA, by skillfully crafting messages in her surprisingly colorful webs, encouraging citizens to exercise their right to vote. 

The busy, agenda-driven spider, presumed to be of the genus arachnida politica, has displayed her work around a  number of trees and poles on Jordan Ave near Saticoy, in Canoga Park’s civic-minded Jordicoy neighborhood. 

The peppy little spider, inset, with two examples of her work.    Staff photos.

The word “Vote” has appeared multiple times, but residents of the area report seeing other messages, including “Some Candidate,” “Radiant,” “Humble,” “Terrific,” and “Hand-Made Pupusas 2$ each.”

Says Elkwood Street resident Bryan Rauschebart, “I’m glad she decided to eventually go with a more non-partisan approach and just weave ‘Vote’ in her webs. ‘Terrific’ sounded a little too Trumpian for me, and I’m solidly behind Kanye — if only ironically, because this state’s going for Biden anyway.

“But that bit about the pupusas really burned me up. The dollar sign goes before the numeral, not after. When will this country learn?”

                                                                                               Staff photos.
The spider responsible for the message-laden webs was unavailable for comment as it had been, just days before the election, snatched off its web, and just as quick as you please, gobbled up by a hungry crow.

Correction: Seems it wasn’t a spider responsible for the messages, but an anonymous knitter into what the kids these days call “yarn bombing.”  We regret the error.

Friday, May 15, 2020

Distance, Mindfulness Among Changes To Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade Due To Coronavirus Pandemic

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff


It wouldn’t be the last Monday of May in the west San Fernando Valley without the parade honoring those who’ve died while serving in the U.S. armed forces — but due to this year’s feisty coronavirus, staging the popular procession in a mindful way has given local officials a unique set of problems.

The Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade in happier, less pandemic-y times. Staff photo.
“The Memorial Day Parade is Canoga Park’s biggest annual event and draws enormous crowds,” says Murla Havemeyer, Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council’s Chairperson of Parade Organizement. “Ordinarily that's great, but not with this COVID-19 thing trending. So rather than cancel the parade, we decided to figure a way to accommodate spectators and participants alike in a safe, responsible way — while being mindful.”
Murla Havemeyer, CPFNC's
Head of Parade Organizement

The solution? Space the crowds out. The parade has traditionally run along Sherman Way from Owensmouth Avenue to Mason Avenue for a total of 1.25 miles with crowds four and five people deep lining both sides of the street for its entire length. This year, however, to properly socially distance the estimated 30,000 spectators who are likely to attend, the parade route will extend eastward for an approximately fifteen additional miles to the Bob Hope Airport in Burbank.

“We’ve had crews out this week marking off six-foot intervals and taping down approved viewing spaces on the sidewalks from here into Winnetka, Reseda, Lake Balboa, Van Nuys, Valley Glen, North Hollywood, all the way into Burbank. We’re mindful of the fact that Memorial Day is less than two weeks away but anticipate they should be done in time for the parade on Monday, May 25.”

Those hoping to show their patriotism by attending need only find an unoccupied Individual Parade Enviewment Location and stand directly on it while the parade files by. 
Taped directly to the sidewalk six feet apart, these Parade Enviewment mats will help spectators
across the San Fernando Valley to enjoy the parade while maintaining crucial social distancing.
Simply find a vacant mat and stand directly on it as the Memorial Day parade passes. Staff photo.
There have been changes for those participating in the parade as well, says Havemeyer.

“Since we’ll be crawling along at a little over two miles an hour across the entire length of the valley, [parade vehicle] drivers need to be mindful and prepare for a seven hour trip. That means a full tank of gas and an empty Big Gulp cup in the seat next to you in case you need it.” 

A brief pitstop is scheduled at the Hazeltine ARCO in Van Nuys, notes Havemeyer, to accommodate antique cars with smaller tanks or particularly inefficient gas mileage, and those who “can’t hold it any longer.” 

This clean, friendly ARCO station in Van Nuys marks the halfway point in this year's parade — and a welcome
"pit-stop" for those needing to gas up a parade vehicle, urinate — or even defecate.  Photo credit: Google Maps.
Anyone without a Big Gulp cup who doesn’t think they’ll make it to that halfway point are are advised to wear suitable protective undergarments “especially if you’re riding as a guest in a classic car with vintage fabric seats. Our insurance only covers so much.”

Parade participants marching on foot are advised to wear comfortable shoes and be prepared to traverse the entire route. “We really want to be mindful about putting on a good show for the crowds from here to Burbank so we’ve given the Pierce College Winnetka ROTC Drill Team the go-ahead to use their bayonets to prod along anyone who starts to lag behind.”

Horses, like this one from the 2015 parade, will be part of this year's event, but
only if horse and passenger are both mindful of going the distance. Staff photo.
Dancing horses, always a popular element of the festivities, will be included this year as well. Vaqueros have been asked to include only their most healthy animals that have the stamina to gaily prance and frolic for the entirety of the 16+ mile distance. “We don’t want a ‘Santa Anita racetrack situation’ taking place in the middle of Sherman Way,” says Havemeyer.  “We’re trying to be especially mindful of any kids watching.”
Jason Valsera, teen tubadour.
Music is a big part of any good parade and the organizement committee has been mindful to make sure to include plenty of marching bands this year as always — with specific modifications.

Stoney Point High School senior Jason Valsera says he’s mindful of the challenges this year’s parade brings. “We’re doing our best. But now that we have to march single file and the band will be stretched out over 250 yards, we need to play a lot louder so we’re all on the same measure.  

“And with the muffling from that N-95 tuba mask I’m required to put on my instrument, that’s not going to be easy.”

Correction: Seems the parade has been canceled this year. We regret the error.

Thursday, May 7, 2020

Still No Date Set For Canoga Park Barbershops To Remove Brown Paper From Windows, Let Customers In Through Front Door Again And Pretend To Reopen

By Blythe Moorcroft, Quilt staff


Despite LA County officials announcing the allowment of the reopenization of some retail shops as soon as Friday, barbers across Canoga Park are frustrated by the lack of an official date to act like they’re suddenly reopening.

“We’d love to pull that paper off our windows and be able to stop whispering in case anyone’s walking by,” says DeShawn Gillard of Trimz, Clipz ‘n’ Cutz Barberz on Sherman Way. “And by that I mean, of course we’ve been closed. I myself have been, uh, at home, taking a Master Class on acting taught by, oh, Dame Helen Mirren to pass the time, let’s say. I most certainly have not been here every day unlocking the door for customers who knock three times, then two times, then three times again, 10 am to 6 pm. 

“Again, that’s three times, then two, then three.”

Sign in a window of one of the thousands of barber shops located throughout Canoga Park that have
been closed since March due to COVID-19 and patiently await the go-ahead to reopen.  Staff photo.
Bernice Solverson of Canoga Park’s Chamber of Commerce, says that with nine out of every ten businesses in Canoga Park operating as a barber shop, and entire blocks of Sherman Way storefronts being comprised of nothing but barber shops, “the barber shop industry is as important economically to 21st century Canoga Park as the aerospace industry was to 1960s Canoga Park.”  

She estimates that of the nearly 43,000 people living in Canoga Park, over 38,000 of them own local barbershops or make their living as barbers, or in a barber-adjacent field, such as hair-sweeping, organizing racks of old magazines, or more recently, taping large pieces of brown kraft paper to store windows. “We need to let these people pretend to get back to work!” says Solverson.

Ernesto Almazan of Homiez ‘n’ Thugz Haircutterz agrees, “Man, this last month and a half has been a pain in the ass— getting the word out, answering the phone in code, deciding if they’re cool, and making sure they come in through the back! Sheesh!

“...Eh, that is to say, we’ve all been closed, sitting at home bingeing, oh, ‘Tiger King’ or some shit.”