Monday, September 26, 2016

Fancy-Schmancy West Hills Residents Debate Controversial Street Name Change

By Liz Del Cerro, Special to the Quilt


A normally quiet area of West Hills has become Ground Zero for a contentious fight over the name of a street, pitting neighbor against neighbor.

Hillary Drive, a road less than a third of a mile long, is at the center of an increasingly fractious dispute among those living in the area thanks to a small contingent of residents who want to change its name.

“Let’s make West Hills great again,” reads a post on the “Scavenging Coyote Heights”  page of, a private community-based website known for creating arbitrary neighborhood boundaries and then assigning them asinine names. “We should change ‘Hillary Drive’ to ‘Trump Boulevard!!!!!!!!!!’” 

Bill Lowthert, the resident who wrote the suggestion, was immediately pilloried online by 37 people in his close-knit neighborhood, none of whom he has ever met in person.

Hillary Drive street sign in ooh-la-la "exclusive" West Hills prior to the recent controversy. File photo.
“You know, I was completely kidding when I posted that. I thought the excessive punctuation made that clear,” Lowthert, 43, who is registered as an independent voter, told the Quilt. “But the way everyone jumped on me — ‘racist’ this, ‘hateful’ that — so now I say f_ck it, let’s actually change the name! It’ll be bad enough if we have to deal with her in the White House for the next four years. None of us want to be reminded of that every time we drive down our street.

“...Oh, and by the way, I got eleven anonymous emails from people around here who actually support changing it to ‘Trump’ but, surprise!, are afraid to say so publicly.”

Proponents of the name change have taken it upon themselves to attach new signs to the old ones.
"It's confusing," said a lost Papa John's delivery boy. "And this Tuscan Six Cheese is starting to congeal."
Others residents are decidedly against the proposed street name change.

“Look, I speak for all of West Hills when I say none of us are really all that thrilled with Hillary,” says Joyce Chadsey, who has lived on Hillary Drive for the past eight years. “But  Trump? Trump?!  Christ almighty no. And besides, I just spent a fortune on a personalized mailbox from that has my entire street address on it. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to buy another new one.”

Related: Creepy, handsome man in shitty car snapping pictures of West Hills street signs worries local residents.

Hillary Drive doesn't actually look this nice in person, but the lens sure brings in those hills. Staff photo.
Hillary Drive, which is home to 22 houses, runs perfectly straight for the entirety of its approximate 1500 foot length.

“Okay, well, that is ironic,” says Albert Sousa of the Los Angeles Department of Public Works, Street Signs and Drains-to-Ocean Dolphin Stencils Division. “But I think we’ve come up with the perfect compromise: We’d rename Balmoral Lane — which is incredibly crooked — to Hillary Lane. And then that stretch of road where Sherman Way turns into Platt...? People are always speeding on it so it’s obnoxiously loud. It’s by the Bell Creek concrete channel — so it’s butt-ugly. And it’s confusing: Am I on Sherman Way? Am I on Platt? Who knows where the hell I stand! We’ll rename that section Trump Road. That should satisfy all these assholes.”

The ugly, loud, offensive gutter-adjacent stretch of Platt (or is it Sherman Way?) and crooked,
crooked Balmoral (inset) could be renamed to keep West Hills residents' happy.  Staff photos.
Back on Hillary Drive, however, not everyone is thrilled with the current recognition the issue has brought the neighborhood.

“Most of us residents never wanted this kind of attention on what used to be a quiet street,” says Hillary Drive resident Dolores Currier. “So I think our best bet is to just rename it ‘Gary Johnson Avenue’ so we can go back to a life of complete anonymity.”

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Topanga Village Celebrates One Year Anniversary

By Blythe Moorcraft, Quilt Staff


It may seem hard to believe, but it’s already been one year since the Topanga Village Shopping Center opened here in the West San Fernando Valley.

While nay-sayers initially decried the ambitious project, which saw the closure of the much-missed Costco (at Roscoe & Canoga) to relocate at its current inconvenient clusterf_ck location, or clusterflucation, the Village’s infamous parking fee nightmares in its first few months, increased traffical headaches for drivers attempting to negotiate the stretch of Topanga Canyon Boulevard that borders its west side, and the complete abandonment of the nearby Westfield Promenade (whose few remaining tenants are now presumed dead), the Westfield Corporation soldiered on, and made their retail dream a retail reality, or retailality.

Today, to the delight of countless Village visitors, the bustling shopping mecca features a plethora of stores, shops, shoppes, chic boutiques and eateries as well as other services in a convenient “one-stop” location for both busy Canoga Parkians and even “shopping tourists” (some from as far away as Winnetka). 

Topanga Village as seen from outside its south entrance on a typical, busy weekend afternoon.
Eye-catching arrow designs on ground are decorative as well as functional; helping guide those
piloting automobiles in and out of the bustling agora in a safe and efficient manner. Staff photo.
Whatever tickles ones’ appetital fancy can be found at Topanga Village, from a sandwich jam-packed with fresh fixin’s — available in both six-inch or footlong lengths — at the whimsically-named “Subway,” to an exotic platter of tacos — from the far-away land of Mexico — at "Casa de Tacos," literally “House of Tacos.” 

For diners whose tastes run to things l’Italiano, head over to “Pizzeria,” a pizza-themed restaurant that serves up hand-crafted pizza-pies in a pizzeria-style setting. And those hankerin’ for food inspired by the magnificent country of Asia would do well to try "Yoshinoya." Completely renovated for 2016, the popular beef-bowl restaurant acts as one of the shopping plaza’s main anchor stores (located at the far northwest end of the sprawling complex). 

A renovated Yoshinoya, one of Topanga Village's anchor stores, at its re-grand opening in Feb-
ruary.  Visitors to the iconic restaurant, which specializes in a bowl-based cuisine, report being
bowled over by the tasty and savory fare offered, even if they don't have a coupon. Staff photo. 
After a satisfying meal, many visitors like to relax by stopping at the Village’s official boba purveyor for a delicious boba-based tea, juice, or smoothie, to be enjoyed during a leisurely stroll around the center’s lushly concreted & paved grounds, artistically designed in a four-sided, or square, configuration.

There’s more than food at Topanga Village, though — many head there strictly for the shopping:  Need a can of cat food, a quart of motor oil, or a “scratcher” lottery ticket?  No problem — a miniature market, or mini-mart, resides in the complex, too, offering any number of these and other gift items. And those who slip on a discarded, non-winning scratcher in a puddle of motor oil to fall face-first onto a handy cement parking stop are in luck: Topanga Village even has its own dentist who can fix ‘em up good as new. Insider tip: If there’s a wait, get your hair and or nails done in one of Topanga Village’s many hair & nail salons. They’re easy to find since there’s only one. Or better yet, drop by your helpful, local insurance agent — also located within the Village — to ensure proper coverage for your next slip & fall.

While permanent directory signs have yet to be installed at Topanga Village, this elaborate map
(drawn exclusively for the Quilt by a helpful restaurant employee on his 'fifteen') will help readers
not yet familiar with the popular San Fernando Valley shopping center in visualizing its layout.
Some nay-sayers — perhaps the very same who said nay prior to the mall’s construction — may claim the shopping complex is already showing its age after just one year, but any such minute signs of wear & tear are owed to the fabulous success and popularity of this destination marketplace. Free parking is now available in its expansive parking lot — with nearly three-dozen spaces — making the oft-teeming mall accessible to all even on the busiest shopping days, and a place to see and be seen among the Canoga Park elite.

Correction: It has come to our attention that we somehow conflated the enormous Village at Topanga outdoor mall with Topanga Village, a small shopping center in Canoga Park.
We regret the error.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Coming up next week in our Living section: 
A fascinating, in-depth look at West Hills’ enormous and extensive 75-acre Fallbrook Center, home to Walmart, Target, Olive Garden, Home Depot, Red Lobster and Old Navy, among many other exclusive shops.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Canoga Park Participates In Traffic Campaign Encouraging Drivers To Do The Unthinkable

By Charlotte Rudnick, Quilt Staff


Canoga Park is among a number of Los Angeles communities participating in a new pilot program aimed at reducing hit and run incidents.

The program, comprised of bus stop ads, billboards and various social media nonsense, challenges drivers to buck traditional thinking and actually stop their vehicle should they hit a pedestrian, cyclist or other vehicle.
Image: Vision Zero Los Angeles.
“Here in Los Angeles, the hit and run capital of the United States, it’s completely counter-intuitive — absolutely unheard of! — to take responsible for one’s actions and actually render aid to, or merely call 911 for, a person or persons one has personally injured however unintentionally,” says Jason Breen of Vision Zero Los Angeles, a traffic safety organization named for the distance a driver can see in front of him with his or her nose buried in a smartphone. “We realize we’re battling an innate concept extremely deep-rooted and hard-wired in the brain of the Los Angeles driver. But we’re hoping we can start to make inroads to change that mindset. However absolutely crazy that may sound.”

Many local hit-and-runners employ a sort of "urban autotomy," to successfully flee the scene of
an accident caused by them by sacrificing automobile parts, much like the blue-tailed skink will
shed its tail when threatened by a predator. Main image: staff photo. Inset: Metatron/Wikipedia
Canoga Park was specifically chosen as a community participant in the public-awareness program due to its quickly becoming the West Valley’s go-to destination for the exciting and fast-paced sport of illegal street racing, as well as for the fact that virtually all stop signs in residential areas are ignored by the car-driving public.

Jason Breen
Vision Zero LA
“Again, we understand that the whole concept of stopping after a collision seems unnatural and wrong. Maybe you just ran down a skateboarder, and you’re sorry and want to pull over, but that line at In & Out isn’t going to get any shorter if you do," Breen says.

“Perhaps you feel fifteen seconds is plenty of time for a stooped-over 85-year old woman pushing her walker while clutching four bags of groceries to get across a six-lane thoroughfare, and once that light turned green, you had the right of way — and besides, Medicare will pay for a new hip if she pulls through. 

“Sure, the enormous force with which you hit that baby carriage sent it flying over a fence and onto someone’s balcony, and you’d like to help, but climbing up there would be trespassing, and besides, ‘The Real’ is starting in like five minutes.

“We understand all that. Of course your natural impulse is to just get the hell out of there as quickly as possible. All we’re asking is — and we know it’s unheard of — to just consider stopping when your abysmal driving skills injure another person. Just consider it. That’s all we’re asking.”

Another local hit & run victim. Many insist a keep right / stop sign combo should have known
better than to stand in the middle of a road in an area where drivers simply don't stop. Staff photo.
“I think it’s great,” says local misanthrope Téodor Pasternak, whose own vehicle was hit by a hit and run driver earlier this year on Owensmouth Avenue. Pasternak, an accountant with Peppy Painting, pulled over and expected the driver of the other vehicle to do the same to survey the damage and exchange insurance information. “Instead, she took off like she was peeling out of the Canoga Park Women’s Club parking lot after a night of hard partying. I managed to get a picture of her car, but there was nothing the police could do. However, I would like to publicly call the driver the c-word. Can I do that here?” [Editor’s note: Eh...    No.]

The alleged vehicle that allegedly struck Canoga Park resident Téodor Pasternak's car before fleeing in
a classic hit-and-run situation by an alleged "total c-word," according to the victim. Photo: T. Pasternak.
Part of Vision Zero’s campaign involves bus stop ads featuring a jarring image depicting the aftermath of a hit and run accident involving a bicycle.

“The [ads] are not so much for folks waiting for the bus, who should be keeping a constant vigil, diligently scanning the roads for speeding, out-of-control vehicles that may be careening right towards them," explains Breen, who heads up Project Zero's safe driver initiative outreach advocate liaison department. "They’re for drivers. We’ve tried to make the text big enough so they might attract drivers’ attention while they’re zipping along, looking for their Pokemons.”

A Vision Zero anti-hit and run bus stop ad in Canoga Park. "We encourage those waiting for the
bus to stand outside the bus stop shelter so our ads are more visible to drivers, and also so they're
not trapped when an out-of-control car comes flying over the curb at them," says spokesman Breen.
Recent studies indicate the typical Los Angeles driver is only glancing up from texting, watching a video, eating a Whopperito, posting a video, or checking in with Facebook to see how many likes their Whopperito video review has gotten, every 6.8 seconds and only then for less than half a second. 

“We know we’re facing an uphill battle — we’ve only got them for that half-second. But we want to make that half-second count,” adds Breen. 

The bus stop ads include a hashtag so that when a driver is done looking up at the road and has resumed undistracted texting, he or she might post something to Twitter or Instagram with #EndHitAndRuns to help get the word out.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Local Women’s Club Debuts New Eyesore At Weekly Sunday Night Blowout

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt Staff

The Canoga Park First Wednesday of the Month Women’s Club officially unveiled a new billboard-sized sign advertising its nightclub venue this past Sunday, as part of its popular “F.U.C.K. the Neighborhood” series of events the club premises hosts.
The Women's Club's new sign, unveiled during last night's typical Sunday night blowout, solicits those
willing to stage similar events and ensure Canoga Park's future of ongoing pandemonium. Staff photo.
The large wooden sign was actually installed at the beginning of the summer, but the Club wanted “just the right event” to mark its official debut. Last night’s raucous free-for-all — with music so loud it simultaneously set off three separate car alarms in the club’s parking lot — seemed a perfect fit.

“We needed a new sign since the one in front of the building is as rickety and old as most of our few remaining members,” laughs Bessie Betelmeyer, 92, Official Club Chronicler of Those Darling ‘Consumer Cellular’ Commercials.
Bessie Betelmeyer, left, and Mildred "Millie" Kordas at a Women's Club event in 1997. File photo.
Indeed, the old sign, installed “Oh, God knows when,” according to 87-year-old Mildred Kordas, Secretary in Charge of Calling Now For Information On How A Reverse Mortgage Could Benefit You, has seen better days. Oft-replaced plexiglass protects the club’s logo from would-be vandals, since the sign is a popular and frequent target of local taggers. 

“It’s hard to keep on top of that, since so many of [the taggers] are themselves guests at the events that are held here,” Kordas says.
The Women's Club's venerably creaky, dry-rotting "old" sign. Photo courtesy DAИK Enterprises, LLC.
As of this writing, however, the new billboard, located on the south side of the building, is currently pristine and completely free from local gang tags or other vandalism.

That handsome new sign serves another purpose, too: Its front lawn forebear is arguably misleading as it still identifies the ramshackle building on the corner of Jordan and Valerio primarily as a women’s charitable organization, despite the widely-held view that the popular nightclub venue merely holds just enough quaint “old-lady” type functions to maintain a tenuous hold on its tax-exempt status.  The new sign acts as an oversized, highly visible mission statement of sorts, helping to educate the public more accurately about the institution's current purpose. 

Doreen Farber.
Photo: Fred Farber
But perhaps, just by being erected, the billboard has already served its most important duty: as a token means for the club to spend a meager sum from its coffers.

“I’m required to use a certain amount of the rental fees we bring in and reinvest it on maintenance, upkeep and improvements. So naturally, I pushed for a sign made from a cheap sheet of plywood,” says Club President In Charge of Neighborhood Cacophony Doreen Farber, known as much for her wonderfully dismissive manner as she is for her delightful incompetence in managing a tiny organization with a dwindling membership.

“The other members wanted better security or sound-proofing," she says, shaking her head in annoyance. "Shit, I green-light either of those things and Fred and I won’t be able to afford to go to Kauai again this fall.”

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

News In Brief — August 24, 2016

A brief, up-to-the-moment news 'round-up' of news in and around Canoga Park and surrounding areas that surround Canoga Park.
•   •   •   •   •

Tuesday September 6th Is Picture Day
LAUSD faculty working in Canoga Park’s Early Education Center are encouraging parents of newborns, toddlers and other pre-school girls to get their daughters’ ears pierced now to give them plenty of time to heal properly in time for Picture Day on Tuesday September 6. Additionally, local tattoo parlors are reminding middle school boys as well as high school girls who have been putting off getting their back-to-school ink to come on in with their tattoo vouchers: Whether they’re looking to get the simple and classic three-dot design by the eye or on the hand — or even an elaborate tramp stamp — there’s still time to get the work done and have the scabbing clear up so that new tat looks its best in time for yearbook photos.
•   •   •   •   •

New Sign At Corner Shopping Center Sets Neighborhood Abuzz
A new sign advertising the businesses on the northeast corner of Saticoy and Topanga, in Canoga Park's bustling Satipanga shopping district, has been put up, or erected, at the edge of the lot to the delight of drivers and pedestrians alike. The stately marquee, designed by Canoga Park's own Peppy Sign's & Banner's features the signature "free apostrophe" the company is well-known for. "We do offer a complimentary punctuation mark for every 50 characters purchased," says Peppy Sign's owner Jim Powell. "We decided to give it to Taco's Reyes, because frankly, we really like their taco's."

•   •   •   •   •  
Canoga Park Family Eschews Funeral, Memorializes Son On Back Of New SUV Instead
A local family who lost their son to the exciting and fast-paced sport of illegal street racing chose to use the decedent's life and car insurance payouts to purchase a new Ford Expedition rather than stage a traditional funeral, and then honor his memory by creating a tribute to him in Brush Script text decals on the vehicle's back windshield. Frankie "Capusta" Murcek was racing against friends along Topanga Canyon Boulevard in the early hours of July 18 when he lost control of his vehicle and careened into a telephone pole, totaling both his 2009 Nissan GT-R and his skull. In a related story, the extensive text on the back windshield may have prevented his mother, Euna Murcek, from being able to see the oncoming truck that killed her as she backed out onto Ventura Boulevard while trying to evade an insurance fraud investigator.

•   •   •   •   •  

Local Brewery Celebrates First Anniversary
8one8 Brewing, a local, small-batch beer manufacturing concern, or nano-brewery, celebrated its first anniversary on August 18. Specializing in exquisite craft beers, crafted exquisitely and available on-tap at a selection of local bars, pubs, taverns and Moose-centric lodges, 8one8 has the distinction, at one year of age, of being the second oldest brewery in Canoga Park (with the mantle of oldest brewery being held by local restaurant El Taco Zarigueya, whose vat of rancid horchata has been fermenting since 1991). Both local beer aficionados and local beer aficionados can help support the fledgling brewery by visiting a participating bar and magnanimously ordering a round of 8one8's delicious libations for everyone in the place, or, alternatively, purchasing a Founders Club Membership.
•   •   •   •   •

Some Canoga Park Residents 'Extremely Concerned' Over Opening Of Proposed New McDonald's
A new McDonald's restaurant being built on the former site of Coco's Restaurant & Bakery at 22200 Sherman Way at Farralone Avenue, in Canoga Park's trendy Shermalone restaurant district has some residents very upset. "The sign says 'Coming Soon' but when is soon?" complained Nita Avenue resident Merl Zygmont, representing a coalition of anxious McDonald's customers-to-be at a recent emergency meeting of the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council. "I mean, we got these coupons in the mail and they expire on the 28th. And McDonald's hardly ever sends out coupons. We're extremely concerned about this situation. Just what are we supposed to do?!" Update: A spokesman for the McDonald's Corporation, when reached for comment, said that the coupons are valid at any participating McDonald's restaurant.

•   •   •   •   •  

Canoga Park Library Unveils Latest Free Bookmarks
The Canoga Park Branch of the Los Angeles Public Library has unveiled its latest selection of bookmarks which are available free to the public. Bookmarks — generally thin, horizontally-formatted strips of card stock featuring colorful designs, clever slogans to encourage reading or helpful information — are used as place holders when inserted between pages where a reader has temporarily stopped reading a collection of bound and printed leaves, or "book," and are available to those borrowing such materials from the library. "Please come in and take some," says Help Desk volunteer Bob Harland. "With fewer and fewer people actually reading these days and taking out books, these things have kind of taken over my work space."

•   •   •   •   •

Restaurant That Sounds Vaguely Like A 1950s Science Fiction Movie Opens In Winnetka
Film-loving gastronomes have been lining up at the The Crab Planet on the Winnetka / Canoga Park border as much for the tasty food as for its cinematic name, which some have noted is reminiscent of the golden age of schlocky monster movies. “Yeah, we thought maybe it’d be like that crazy thai place on Sherman Way in North Hollywood that has all the neon signs and kitschy decor but with, like, vintage 50s monster movie posters and maybe showing classic sci-fi ‘B’ movies instead,” says bearded Canoga Park resident and podcaster Brian Rauschebart. “Turns out it’s not like that at all — it’s actually quite tastefully decorated inside — and the food was really excellent. But they should totally have a night each week where they screen ‘Attack of the Crab Monsters.’ It could totally become like a thing.” The popular new restaurant specializes in tasty cajun / seafood / thai food and is located at 7140 Desoto Avenue. As of press time, it was unknown whether or not they bought any supplies at a nearby restaurant supply warehouse that sounds vaguely like a place on Futurama, "Restaurant Planet."

•   •   •   •   •  
Briefly now: Do you have briefly breaking Canoga Park news?  Wrap it up reeeal nice and send it to us here so we can use it in our next wad of news briefs. By the way, 8one8 Brewing, Crab Planet, Restaurant Planet, McDonald's, and every single place at Saticoy & Topanga are all great local businesses that you should be supporting. So what in God's name are you doing still reading this? G'wan, get out of here! Go support 'em! Go support 'em before we call the cops!

Monday, August 8, 2016

Canoga Please! Those Diabetic Test Strip Signs! Also, Quick & Easy Summer Recipes!

Canoga Please! Every time I’m forced to slow down at an intersection here in Canoga Park because some jackass blows through a stop sign before I get a chance to, I have time to roll my eyes upward in annoyance — and every single time they come to rest on a telephone pole-mounted sign with an offer to buy ‘diabetic test strips!’ Who the hell has diabetic test strips to sell? Are Canoga Park residents overwhelmingly diabetic? If so, how come they have spare test strips? Why aren’t they using them? What’s going on here?  —Mabel K., sent from my phone while flying across Owensmouth at Valerio

Dear Mabel,
‘What’s going on’ here is the entrepreneurial spirit that made America — and Canoga Park! — great! Many of those who suffer from diabetes receive free testing supplies thanks to Medicare and Medicaid. But who has time to check their blood sugar levels when you’ve got to get to the local donuteria before they run out of bear claws? Therefore, our local diabetics end up with a surplus of testing supplies taking up valuable space at home — space that could be better used for storing stacks of butterscotch pudding cups from the dollar store. 
Companies like those who have invested in local telephone pole advertising space offer cold hard cash for the supplies and then sell them to people who actually are managing their diabetes but who have to pay for their supplies — yet can’t afford even the cost of the co-pays. Thanks to a bustling free market and exciting private programs like these, Canoga Park diabetics are no longer ‘victims’ as they’ve been characterized for so long in the past and are now taking control of their disease and earning extra money by making diabetes work for them! The day has come for these now-productive members of society to stand up and be counted! (Those who still have legs, anyway.)

*  *  *  *  *
Canoga Please! 'Cold hard cash,' hmm? Can you suggest a recipe for a really decadent, rich dessert? Oh, let's say a delicious, sweet, gooey poundcake...and, eh, also — tell me how I can sign up for Obamacare! —Mabel K., sent from my phone, now at Valerio and Variel, and gaining speed

Dear Mabel,
Sure!  Take one pound sugar, one pound butter, one pound flou—  ...Now wait a minute...!   —Burton Cantara

Do you have a question about Canoga Park? Email it to us at and it may be answered here. Questions may be edited for brevity or to accommodate photos we've been looking for an excuse to run. Sorry, due to the volume of mail we receive, we cannot respond to every inquiry.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Canoga Park Teen Injured While Playing Pokémon Go

By Michale Hemmingway, Quilt staff


A local teenager was injured today while playing Pokémon Go, the popular smart cellular telephone, or smart phone application, or app, that has taken the nation — and Canoga Park — by storm.

Radek Murta, 19, of Blythe Street, was on the curb along Strathern Street at Alabama Avenue, in Canoga Park's tight-knit Strathabama neighborhood, searching for the virtual reality characters when he spotted “Rattata” on his screen, and approached the creature to "capture" it.

Radek Murta mere seconds before being injured while playing Pokémon Go along Strathern Street.
Curiously, he had the foresight to, for whatever reason, take a picture of himself playing the popular
game, evidently using a completely different device to take said picture. Photo credit: Radek Murta.
“So, I’m gettin’ close to it but I don’t know how to, f_ckeen, do it right, so I can’t catch it...? So I squat down an reach out an’ that’s when the motherf_cker bit me. They don’t tell you they bite, you know? F_ckeen drew blood an‘ everything. I’m-a sue those motherf_ckers at EA Games, yo!"

Pokémon Go was developed by Niantic. 

Murta, an unemployed 19-year-old entrepreneur admits that the popular game isn’t really his forté which currently runs more towards providing complimentary, unsolicited “security checkups” for those who park cars around Lanark Recreation Center, but is playing to collect characters for his brother, Jarik.

“Fuckeen...he in the hospital, like, recuperating an' shit...?” Murta says, while using a length of toilet paper to re-bandage his bloody, pus-oozing finger. “So I’m collecting the little animals an’ shit for him 'til he gets better.”

Jarik Murta, 11, an avid Pokémon Go player, was struck down by a bus on Topanga Canyon Boulevard recently after wandering into the street trying to catch "Jigglypuff."