Tuesday, April 3, 2018

Clearance Prices At Closing Grocery Store Still Nowhere Near Regular Prices At Other Nearby Supermarkets

By Nita Keswick, Quilt staff


Excited shoppers with an eye for discounts scoured the quickly emptying aisles of Canoga Park’s Vons supermarket, loading cart after cart with canned goods, meat, frozen items and liquor, seemingly unconcerned that the beloved overpriced grocery store was offering very little in the way of savings compared to its local competitors.

Staff photo.
Vons #1673 at 8201 Topanga Canyon Boulevard at Roscoe, in Canoga Park’s bustling Roscopanga shopping district, advertised “storewide savings of up to 10-90% off” the prices of its waning inventory. But even at Monday’s rate of 25% off, most items were still above the non-sale price at other nearby stores.

That didn’t stop Téodor Pasternak, who was loading a cart up with Keystone beer and Marie Callender’s Creamy Parmesan Chicken pot pies. “I usually do my shopping at Ralphs and 99¢ Only,” he explained, “but who can say no to these clearance prices?” When told that the items he was buying were still priced 18% higher than Ralphs, he seemed annoyed. “Well, the idea that I’m saving money helps justify these purchases despite my struggles with alcohol and poor diet choices," he snapped. "What else have you got to ruin my day? That I need a club card to get these savings?"  [Yes. —Ed.]

25% off a $5 bottle of Thousand Island?! Salad season is just around the corner. Just sayin'. Staff photo
Many in the area have lamented the impending closure of their neighborhood Vons. “It was a neighborhood icon,” says Gretchen Bierly of West Hills. “If you had to run out for something quick, you didn’t have to go to some filthy convenience store. You could go here instead and knew you were paying filthy convenience store prices.”

According to AisledLA, an online internet web-based ‘blog’ that covers Los Angeles area grocery stores, a Vallarta supermarket will take over once the soon-to-be vacant retail space. While a number of residents west of Topanga Canyon Boulevard are concerned by the chain — which caters to a growing Latino population — opening a store in the area, many insist it’s only because they have difficulty pronouncing the double-L in its name correctly. 

However, Russ Hickert, senior editor of West Valley Grocery & Supermarket Trends Daily predicted the neighborhood will soon embrace the Hispanic chain. 

“Oh, I think they’ll be fine with Vallarta once they realize they’re actually surprisingly expensive, too,” he said.

Friday, March 9, 2018

Wings Over Wendy’s Gets Its Marching Orders As Platt Village Fast-Foodery Closes

By Brennan Callicott, special to the Quilt


Popular quick-serve restaurant Wendy’s Old-Fashioned Hamburgers permanently closed the doors to its Platt Village location in West Hills last week, leaving customers not with a Frosty reception — but no reception at all.

Where's the Beef? Along with the rest of the food and all of the fixtures: shipped back to a distribution
warehouse, probably. Also, that caption is just as clever today as it would have been in 1984.  Staff photo.
Despite all signage having been taken down or blacked out, and the entire order box having been removed, Wendy’s still had a surprisingly constant stream of hungry, hopeful would-be customers as recently as yesterday afternoon. Evidently not dissuaded by the completely vacant restaurant, no less than four vehicles were seen slowly negotiating the drive-thru lane during the two minutes our photographer was there.

The hamburgery’s closure left “Wings Over Wendys” — a social group comprised of World War II, Korean War and Vietnam War veterans who convened for coffee, breakfast nuggets and camaraderie in the restaurant’s dining room each Monday morning — briefly without a meeting place. 

However, “new digs” for the tight-knit group of retired flyboys has been found, according to a post on the group’s Facebook page. Just a few dozen yards from their old stomping grounds, the new location — in the same shopping center —  couldn’t be more convenient.  “Attention members: As of next Monday, we are now officially known as Wings Over The Rite Aid Pharmacy Prescription Waiting Area,” reads the announcement.

Correction: Turns out Wings Over Wendy’s is now meeting at the Woodland Hills Wendy’s, 22611 Ventura Blvd., Woodland Hills. We regret the error.

Friday, February 23, 2018

Canoga Park Responds to Flourishing Homeless Population With New 24-Hour Resource Centers

By Charlotte Rudnick, Quilt staff


Homeless people in the West Valley will soon have two new local options for getting much-needed assistance to help cope with life on the streets.

A 7-11 convenience store in the space previously occupied by Duke of Bourbon Liquor in Westridge Plaza, in the hustling RoscoSoto neighborhood is due to open “any day now,” according to sources, while just down the street, at Roscoe and Canoga, in the bustling RoscoNoga neighborhood, a Chevron gas station featuring a large mini-mart is on track to open its doors in the near future as well. 

Both will offer microwaveable burritos, nachos and heat lamp dogs, among other goods and services.
A Chevron gas station and a 7-11 (inset) are two new businesses slated to open in the Canoga Park area in
early 2018.  Residents and others who just kind of hang around here are excited by the news.  Staff photo.
“I can’t wait,” says Ernie ‘Nalgas’ Holvik, wearing an overstuffed backpack while carrying another as he awkwardly rides your bike on the way back to his camp beneath an LA River tributary overpass along Canoga Avenue. Tired from a busy day in West Hills where he works as a freelance Amazon Prime package re-acquisition specialist, Holvik looks longingly at the gas station, still under construction. “I really gotta take a dump.”

RELATED: Panic ensues as Santa Ana riverbed encampment eviction mistaken for walker herd.

Friday, January 26, 2018

Dubious Charity Naively Expects Apathetic Residents To Eschew Curbside Disposal And Instead Lug Old Electronics To Inconvenient Parking Lot Collection Site

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff


Civic-minded folks of the West Valley can finally get rid of that enormous broken television, or TV, set, those facsimile, or fax, machines obsolete since the early 1990s, their top-of-lap computers, or laptops, that they brought home from work but reported stolen after they didn’t know how to completely remove all the porn they downloaded onto the hard drives, or any other electronical junk, or e-waste, items they may have lying around.

“In the past, Canoga Park residents have had to deal with the back-breaking, interminable hassle of placing any bulky electronics out by the curb where they’d be picked up by local scavengers or eventually the Sanitation Department,” says Bert Frankel, president of US Pals Chamber of Commerce, a vaguely philanthropic-sounding organization that raises money for something or other.

Canoga Park residents tired of paying the high cost of dragging their shit out to the curb for free can
now recycle their electronics at no cost by lugging it over to a busy parking lot instead.  Staff photo.
“But with our two-day event, they need only drag the items out to the car, realize the trunk is already filled with other crap, pull all that crap out of the trunk and into the garage to make room, lift the item or items into the trunk, drive over to Big Lots, mention to our collection specialist they have electronics to donate, wait for the collection specialist to look up from her phone, mention again to our collection specialist they have electronics to donate, watch where our collection specialist briefly points before going back to her phone, and then lug said electronic items out of the trunk and over to the directed area,” he adds. “What could be easier?”

Frankel notes that US Pals will be accepting all kinds of e-waste items except for whatever you specifically show up with.  “No, I’m sorry, we don’t accept those,” he says.

The collection center will be in the Big Lots parking lot in the space formerly occupied by the half-dozen donation “sucker boxes” that were finally hauled off after the vandalism and trash caused by them became far too much trouble than they were worth. 

“We’re excited about raising money for, eh, ‘charity’ tomorrow and Sunday,” says Frankel, “and delighted that Big Lots is donating the use of their parking lot to do this.” 

Says Canoga Park Big Lots manager Esther Galinda, “Wait, who’s doing what here this weekend?”

Monday, December 25, 2017

Santa Claus, Reindeer Severely Injured By Fireworks Over Canoga Park on Christmas Eve

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff.


Santa Claus — the right jolly old elf who delivers toys to good little girls and boys all over the world on Christmas Eve — has been hospitalized in critical condition at Northridge Hospital Medical Center, suffering from third degree burns to 90% of his trademark red suit after being struck mid-air by an explosive projectile over Canoga Park last night.

Jingle bells gave way to wailing sirens as jolly Saint Nick nearly perished in a fiery crash
in Canoga Park last night, landing in an alley just south of Valerio Street.  Image: Google.
All of his eight tiny reindeer suffered injuries as well, ranging from singed hooves and broken antlers to massive internal injuries, according to a spokesperson with LA Animal Services. Two of them, Dasher and Comet, had to be euthanized on the spot.

“I got a frantic call from [Santa] on the two-way radio,” says Santa’s Workshop head elf Jingle. “He was sure his GPS wasn’t working properly. We told him our tracking showed him over Canoga Park. He said that’s what his screen read but that it looked like some sort of war zone. He was certain he was somewhere in the Middle East, rather than what he said he remembered as a quiet San Fernando Valley community.

“Then suddenly he yelled, ‘I’m hit, I’m hit! May Day! May Day! We’re going down!”

Santa Claus in an undated photo.
Image courtesy Mrs. Claus.
Capt. Reed Malloy, Community Outreach Support Officer of the LAPD’s West Valley Bureau of Inexplicable Holiday Traditions notes that just around midnight, there was a marked increase in the usual amount of illegal fireworks being set off in Canoga Park. 

“Well, not a marked increase from what we usually experience on Christmas Eve, but a marked increase from, say, two days ago,” explains Malloy.

Jangle, a North Pole livestock wrangler, notes that while Santa’s flying reindeer are more rapid than eagles, “they do tend to spook easily, especially with exploding projectiles being shot into the air around them on this, the most holy of nights.” 

While it may be weeks before the FAA analyzes data from the sleigh's black box and releases a final report about the incident, an unnamed source close to the investigation is certain that one or more fireworks struck Santa's sleigh, while others exploding in the air nearby would have frightened and disoriented his team of reindeer, sending the aircraft crashing to the ground.

“We’re hopeful Santa will eventually make a full recovery,” says Capt. Malloy, “and we’re just grateful that he makes his annual flight on Christmas Eve and not New Year’s Eve — when many Canoga Park residents fire live ammunition into the air.”

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Trick-Or-Treaters Receive ‘Concerning’ Manifesto with Candy

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff.


Children trick-or-treating last night in the quaint, historic ‘Old Town’ neighborhood of Canoga Park got more than just candy from one home. At least six parents have come forward telling police they found a peculiar, unnerving note wrapped around a candy bar.

Some Canoga Park trick-or-treaters received a strange letter among the usual candy, expired medicine,
bouillon cubes and Arby's coupons local residents traditionally hand out on Halloween. Photo: LAPD
“It’s concerning, to say the least,” says Capt. Reed Malloy, Community Outreach Support Officer of the LAPD's West Valley Bureau of Trick or Treat Safety, Weird-Things-Given-Out Division. “We're used to seeing Taco Bell hot sauce packets or dog biscuits, usually given out by well-meaning people who just ran out of candy. This could be something different.”

Copies of the rambling, one-page type-written xeroxed missive — English on one side, Spanish on the other — were attached by rubber bands to full-size candy bars, and make bizarre claims ranging from “the suspicious deaths surrounding the feral cats who set up Hillary’s secret Canoga Park email server” to the “old triangular Costco sign” being an “extraterrestrial beacon to summon grays from Planet Shoup.”

Complete text of the mysterious manifesto. 
The reverse features roughly the same erratic message in poorly-worded Spanish, as though it were run through a free online translator.

Pasternak. File photo.
Update: Police have determined the ‘manifesto’ was distributed by a Canoga Park resident known locally as a local crackpot and malcontent, Teódor “Ted” Pasternak. “He’s harmless, but we know him well,” Malloy says. “And the candy’s been tested and is safe to eat.  But feel free to bring it to the station if you're still worried and we'll, eh, dispose of it for you.”

Reached for comment, Pasternak explained. “I’ve got a pretty bad cold and last night I kind of went overboard on the Venom Black Mamba energy drinks and whatever the DollarTree equivalent of NyQuil is. Halloween night [was] a complete blur.”

“I just want to say that I’m completely mortified by this. This is not like me at all,” he says between sneezes. “I mean, what the hell was I thinking, giving away my entire stockpile of Milky Way Midnights?! Those things are hard to find!” 

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Canoga Park Home Is Transformed Into Spooky ‘Haunted House’ for Halloween

Special to the Quilt by Luther Heggs


All ye who dare enter: Beware of ghosts and goblins!

A cozy, mid-century home in Canoga Park has been turned into a creepy ‘haunted house’ for Halloween, complete with spooky noises and unexplained goings-on that are sure to frighten (and delight) trick-or-treating boys and girls when they cross through the ramshackle fence and traverse the overgrown, trash and needle-strewn yard to bravely knock on the door in hopes of—      

Staff photo.
Correction: Turns out it’s just an abandoned house that has fallen into severe disrepair and has subsequently been broken into and is being used by local squatters, taggers, homeless people and gang members.  

We regret the error.