Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Trick-Or-Treaters Receive ‘Concerning’ Manifesto with Candy

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff.


Children trick-or-treating last night in the quaint, historic ‘Old Town’ neighborhood of Canoga Park got more than just candy from one home. At least six parents have come forward telling police they found a peculiar, unnerving note wrapped around a candy bar.

Some Canoga Park trick-or-treaters received a strange letter among the usual candy, expired medicine,
bouillon cubes and Arby's coupons local residents traditionally hand out on Halloween. Photo: LAPD
“It’s concerning, to say the least,” says Capt. Reed Malloy, Community Outreach Support Officer of the LAPD's West Valley Bureau of Trick or Treat Safety, Weird-Things-Given-Out Division. “We're used to seeing Taco Bell hot sauce packets or dog biscuits, usually given out by well-meaning people who just ran out of candy. This could be something different.”

Copies of the rambling, one-page type-written xeroxed missive — English on one side, Spanish on the other — were attached by rubber bands to full-size candy bars, and make bizarre claims ranging from “the suspicious deaths surrounding the feral cats who set up Hillary’s secret Canoga Park email server” to the “old triangular Costco sign” being an “extraterrestrial beacon to summon grays from Planet Shoup.”

Complete text of the mysterious manifesto. 
The reverse features roughly the same erratic message in poorly-worded Spanish, as though it were run through a free online translator.

Pasternak. File photo.
Update: Police have determined the ‘manifesto’ was distributed by a Canoga Park resident known locally as a local crackpot and malcontent, Teódor “Ted” Pasternak. “He’s harmless, but we know him well,” Malloy says. “And the candy’s been tested and is safe to eat.  But feel free to bring it to the station if you're still worried and we'll, eh, dispose of it for you.”

Reached for comment, Pasternak explained. “I’ve got a pretty bad cold and last night I kind of went overboard on the Venom Black Mamba energy drinks and whatever the DollarTree equivalent of NyQuil is. Halloween night [was] a complete blur.”

“I just want to say that I’m completely mortified by this. This is not like me at all,” he says between sneezes. “I mean, what the hell was I thinking, giving away my entire stockpile of Milky Way Midnights?! Those things are hard to find!” 

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Canoga Park Home Is Transformed Into Spooky ‘Haunted House’ for Halloween

Special to the Quilt by Luther Heggs


All ye who dare enter: Beware of ghosts and goblins!

A cozy, mid-century home in Canoga Park has been turned into a creepy ‘haunted house’ for Halloween, complete with spooky noises and unexplained goings-on that are sure to frighten (and delight) trick-or-treating boys and girls when they cross through the ramshackle fence and traverse the overgrown, trash and needle-strewn yard to bravely knock on the door in hopes of—      

Staff photo.
Correction: Turns out it’s just an abandoned house that has fallen into severe disrepair and has subsequently been broken into and is being used by local squatters, taggers, homeless people and gang members.  

We regret the error.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Explosion Rocks Canoga Park Parking Lot

By Burton Cantara, Quilt staff.


An explosion blew open the door of a donation box in a parking lot in Canoga Park on Wednesday, spreading soiled, unfashionable clothes and other unwanted secondhand goods over an enormous “crap perimeter” across the surrounding area.

“We were walking by when it went off and next thing I know I was hit by a Von Dutch hat from 2003,” says Bryan Rauschebart of DeSoto Avenue. “My girlfriend was blinded by a flying pashmina. Well, until she pulled it off her head.” 

Rauschebart noted that “something yellow flew by [his] face at the speed of light.” Investigators with the Canoga Park Fire Department later found a ‘Livestrong’ bracelet embedded in the trunk of a nearby palm tree.

Staff photo.
The force of the blast was strong enough to send some of the outdated clothes far across the parking lot, leaving a counterfeit “Jimmie Chew” [sic] left shoe and an oil-stained right Ugg boot with the lining “all matted and pilled” in the back of a pickup truck. A greasy plaid fedora, the type very briefly made popular by Justin Timberlake some years ago, was found dangling on the antenna of a Toyota Camry. 

It was unclear exactly how far the effects of the explosion reached, however, since it was impossible to determine where the debris field ended and the sidewalk inventory of Fallas Paredes began. 

Investigators are baffled by the event and have already ruled out a meth lab explosion, a honey oil lab explosion, a gas leak explosion, a kids-playing-with-fireworks explosion and many of the other usual conditions and factors that regularly cause explosions in Canoga Park.

Correction: Turns out there was no explosion at all, but rather the effects of homeless people tearing open the plywood box and rooting through the soiled garments inside. 

We regret the error.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Spike in West Hills Crime Predicted For Today

By Brennan Callicott, special to the Quilt.


A significant uptick in the daily amount of burglaries, mail theft, porch piracy and other crimes the West Hills area experiences is expected today, according to experts.

“We anticipate an increase in all of the problems West Hills has recently become famous for,” reports Senior Lead Officer Gus Lerner. “Expect the escalation to begin at approximately 9:05 a.m and continue until 11:43 a.m., with most of the incidents likely to occur specifically on or around 10:20 a.m.”
Image courtesy NASA.
A spokesprowler with the Association of West Valley Package Pilferers and Home Burglars confirmed the impending crime surge.  “Our members will be out in force [on Monday],” he says. “We figure there’s no better time to get in, get all that jewelry, electronics and credit cards — and then get out while everyone is outside gaping up at the sky. The diminished daylight can only help.

“Incidentally, that whole ‘don’t look directly at it’ crap is, uh, fake news. To truly enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime celestial event, we encourage everybody in West Hills to go outside and just stare at that eclipse. Really drink that bastard in with your eyes. Take your time — when you gonna see another one? And leave the front door open.”

Friday, August 18, 2017

West Valley Taggers Seek Funding For Innovative Startup Business

By Charlotte Rudnick, Quilt staff


Canoga Park tagger BИW had just about enough. 
Ubiquitous local tagger BИW.

“What the f_ck, yo? They forgot the f_ckin’ eggrolls,” said the spray paint artiste as he rooted through a plastic bag from local business leader Mr. Stir Fry, a Chinese takeout restaurant on DeSoto Avenue at Nordhoff, in Canoga Park’s bustling DeSordhoff neighborhood. “This is like the fifth time they screwed up my order. Plus it took them for-f_ckin-ever to deliver an’ shit. How long does it take to drive from their f_ckin’ restaurant to the third telephone pole after the first dumpster next to the second feces-smeared mattress in the back alley behind the used tire place on Roscoe?  F_ck!”

That’s when a little lightbulb went on above his head.

Mr. Stir Fry, purveyor of fine
food — as well as inspiration. 
At first he thought it was the property owner of the back fence he had just defaced turning on a floodlight. But thankfully, before he and his pals prematurely scattered like cockroaches, he realized it was an idea.

“Like, why don’t we just directly tag the businesses that we don’t like an’ shit?” proposed the 22-year-old entrepreneur to the others in his tagging coterie. It seemed like a solid, viable business plan, since vandalizing public and private property is tacitly allowed if not encouraged in the West Valley; indeed, Canoga Park’s popular summer “Third Thursday” artwalk event holds graffiti workshops as well as vendors selling tagging supplies.

And thus a new startup venture, TagDatShit, was born. 

Startup company 'TagDatShit' hopes to use an exciting new interface to bring customer
 reviews directly to brick & mortar businesses and directly on brick & mortar businesses.
Getting investors likely wouldn’t be a problem, as many local hardware and paint supply stores would be eager to showcase their wares to a young, demographically-desirable customer base that seems to grow exponentially with each passing year. Plus having those involved in TagDatShit agree to not to deface investors’ buildings would constitute a further incentive.

So it seemed only fitting to use the Chinese restaurant that inspired the new crowd-sourced concept in on-site reviews for their presentation to attract both local and corporate sponsors.

Tag, You're Hit: Mr. Stir Fry is being used as a presentation building to fund the ambitious
and unique startup venture,  showing potential investors the value of having,  say, a yellow
donut permanently spray-painted on what was previously natural brickwork.  Staff photos.
Says Kevin Stirfry, the eponymous owner of Mr. Stir Fry as he surveys the extensive damage to his building, “I wish they hadn’t done this. I apologized for the screw-up and I told [BИW] I’ll give him a free order of crab rangoons next time. Cleaning, neutralizing, painting over all of this will be a nightmare.  All of the windows will just have to be replaced. This is easily going to cost me thousands of dollars.

“That said, this is actually less damaging to my business and easier to remove than a one-star review from Yelp.”

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Art-Themed Summer Street Fair & Breakdancing Symposium A Success in Canoga Park

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff


The numbers are in and last week’s Third Thursday was a success.

The trimonthiel event — a celebration of art, food, tagging workshops, fellowship, and people carrying little dogs so they don’t get accidentally kicked across the street by someone doing windmills in front of that tire place — is held in Canoga Park on the first full Thursday that follows the second Friday (so long as both Fridays had been preceded by a Thursday in that month) during months ending in an ‘e’ or a ‘t’; and/or any month ending in a ‘y’ that specifically falls between ‘e-’ and ‘t’-ending months. 
Staff photo.
For the 2017 “Third Thursday” schedule, the event’s dates had been predetermined to occur on June 15, July 20 and August 17.

Murla Havemeyer. Staff photo.
“It was a great night,” says Murla Havemeyer, head of event organizement for the Canoga Park Summer Event Series: Third Thursdays ArtWalk and Collective of Artists & Local Raw Artisanal Honey Sellers. “We had a lot of people come by this month. Sure, it meant that I had to stand in line a little longer for my sisig fries at the food truck, but it was worth it.” 

While specific numbers haven’t been released for this year's second Third Thursday, most agree that attendance was up significantly from the event in June, the first Third Thursday event of 2017, nearly matching that of September 17, 2015, the fourth Third Thursday event of the third year the Third Thursday annual street festival was held.

“Yeah, it was real busy,” says local artist Brian Rauschebart, who sold unlicensed “Rick & Morty” religious candles at his booth. “I think it was just as hot and muggy as [the Third Thursday event] in June was, but people came anyway because we’d all just gotten used to the never-ending, stifling heat by now.”
Getting The Word Out:  Locals were made aware of the event by these cards, left on the wind-
shields of Canoga Park's myriad of permanently parked RVs as well as other vehicles. Staff photo.
Havemeyer, however, attributes the increased attendance to handbills advertising the event. “We came up with a really clever idea — to have thousands upon thousands of these little cards printed up — then had volunteers put them on all the car windshields in the downtown Canoga Park area,” she says. “That really got the word out and made the night a triumphant smash.” 

Not one to rest on her laurels, Havemeyer, who keeps busy on many local committees, hopes she can duplicate her “Third Thursdays” success on other projects. 
Staff photo.
“I also head up the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council’s ‘Tidy Neighborhoods’ initiative,” the civic-minded Wyandotte Avenue resident says, “and currently we’re looking at ways to clean up the trash in our streets.”  

Sunday, July 9, 2017

DWP Restores Power Before Entire West Valley Begins To Stink

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff


A massive power outage affecting over 100,000 residents in the west San Fernando Valley narrowly avoided becoming catastrophic when electricity was restored to remaining customers still without power this morning just ahead of an odor-based “point of no return.”

“We knew we were racing against time,” says LADWP spokesman Mitchell Dianis. “With this heat we’ve been having, things were about to get bad. Real bad.”

A Winnetka neighborhood during last night's power outage. Or perhaps Woodland Hills. No, no,
wait — this is definitely Tarzana.  Or possibly West Hills.  Could be Reseda, maybe.  Staff photo.
Sustained triple-digit temperatures coupled with an inability for residents to sufficiently cool down via air conditioners would have resulted in an enormous, life-choking haze of apocrine-secreted particulate, or sweat cloud, that would have hovered over the western part of the San Fernando Valley indefinitely before settling and permanently seeping into clothes, structures, even concrete.

Dr. Morris Detzer.
Photo: Mimi Detzer
“140,000 people, many of whom are unfamiliar with modern methods of personal hygiene to begin with  — if the people in front of me in line at Dollar Tree yesterday are any indication — without any means of bringing body temperatures down for twelve-plus hours would have been cataclysmic,” explains Dr. Morris Detzer, professor of osphresiology, or stink, at Pierce College Winnetka.  “Had we gone on much longer, in this weather, the resulting funk would have made much of the Valley completely uninhabitable for future generations.  ...Well, more so.”

A sense of impending panic was starting to rise among residents, as well.

“I was driving through Chatsworth last night during [the outage],” says Canoga Park resident Teodor Pasternak. “And you could tell it was already starting to turn. At first I thought it was the horses out there. But no, it was definitely [human] b.o.  I can’t imagine what Reseda would have smelled like.”

Thankfully, work crews at the affected DWP Receiving Station J were able to perform the necessary repairs in time and get transformers, turbines and generators humming again — before residents began to.

“I mean, it’s not as bad as it could have been, but even this morning, eugh, you can still smell it a little bit,” says Pasternak. “I think it’s wafting up from Valerio and...  ...snff...snff...  Holy crap, that’s me.”

“...Actually, snnfff, that’s not bad, huh?”

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