Monday, September 13, 2021

Local Poll Shows Surprise Frontrunner In Governubtorial Recall Campaign Leading By Double Digits


By Brennan Callicot, special to the Quilt.

A recent, unofficial poll conducted at the ballot drop box outside the West Hills / Platt Avenue Branch of the Los Angeles Public Library yielded results which experts suggest indicate an uphill battle for both Gavin Newsom, a governor with the State of California, and those who would hope to replace him.

The ballot box — not a book return kiosk! — in happier days. Staff photo.

Ernie “Nalgas” Holvik, a local homeless, or locally unhoused, resident revealed the results after a late night shift as a freelance pollster. “Well, I’m not so much a pole-ster as a crowbar-ster, on account of I used a crowbar to pry this bastard open. Thought it was one of them Amazon lockers I been hearing about," explains Holvik.

After tallying the contents of the box, he offered the following data:

Klara and the Sun, Kazuo Ishiguro: 21

Of Women and Salt, Gabriela Garcia: 18

The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Eric Carle / The Four Winds, Kristin Hannah (tied): 16

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Hard Luck, Jeff Kinney: 14

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, Suzanne Collins: 13

Empty Carl’s Jr. soft drink cup, large: 10

Feces, dog: 9

Crying In H Mart, Michelle Zuaner: 8

Feces, human: 7

Jury Duty Summons, reply-by-mail form: 4 

Recall Newsom: 3

Don’t Recall Newsom: 3

Of Women and Salt, trade paperback: 2

Some, including library employees, were not pleased by the results.

“Everyone on staff here told [representatives from the Secretary of State] that if they put that goddamn ballot drop-box here, right outside a fucking library, people would presume it’s a fucking book return kiosk no matter how the fuck it’s labeled — and they’d jam books in there, not ballots,” said Larry Symanski, Platt Library’s assistant to the regional librarian. “That’s the problem with these idiots — they don’t know how to fucking read! 

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m supposed to host a mid-afternoon Snack & Nap reading of Pat the Fucking Bunny to our Readin’ Rugrats pre-school group.”