Sunday, April 12, 2015

Canoga Park Women’s Club Officially Re-Launches 'F.U.C.K. The Neighborhood' Program for 2015

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff


The Canoga Park First Wednesday of the Month Women’s Club officially rebooted its exciting if awkwardly phrased and partially misspelled “Fellowship Unifies Community and Komplements the Neighborhood” program for Spring 2015 this past Saturday evening by hosting one of the club’s signature “anything-goes” affairs, with raucous music broadcast throughout the residential area where the clubhouse is located.

The venerable headquarters of the Canoga Park First Wednesday of the Month Women's Club,
or as it's better known by the surrounding neighborhood, The Whisky Ca No-Ga. File photo.
“Oh, my, yes, we’re back for Spring 2015,” laughs Canoga Park First Wednesday of the Month Women’s Club President in Charge of Neighborhood Cacophony Doreen Farber, from the peace and quiet of her Winnetka home. “And so let me officially announce to the unfortunate bastards living in the area around our clubhouse: F.U.C.K. the Neighborhood!”

While those living in the shadow of the Canoga Park First Wednesday of the Month Women’s Club headquarters are not invited to attend the private events, Farber insists that nevertheless the program fosters a sense of community among nearby residents by encouraging neighbors affected by her club's unruly guests, unsupervised screeching children, a ludicrously oversized sound system and the perpetually open back doors of the club (“Our trademark,” she chuckles) to reach out to one another and to the Los Angeles Police Department. 

“Bitch to each other and to the cops,” Farber says while stacking numerous hundred dollar bills — reception hall rental fees paid to the club — in neat little piles. "I don't want to hear it."

While the thumping bass of the powerful sound system at the Canoga Park Women's Club can
be heard even on the rare occasions the back doors have been momentarily closed, Club policy is
to keep the doors wide open to ensure the entire neighborhood "never misses a beat." Staff photo.
Capt. Reed Malloy, Support Bureau Officer of the West Valley Bureau of Excessive, Window-Rattling Noise and Continually Recurring Disturbances, Topanga Division, confirms Saturday’s event is now the norm for the once-respected service organization.  

“Yeah, we had multiple calls for the Canoga Park Women’s Club last night. Dispatch sent cars out there three times. But that’s fairly standard for a Saturday evening when the Club is hosting one of their F.U.C.K. the Neighborhood parties,” he admits. “Some say our manpower and resources would be better focused on other matters on the busiest night of the week, potentially saving lives and preventing crimes elsewhere in Canoga Park, rather than having to drive over there again and again, using a bullhorn to get the deejay’s attention to lower the volume and close the doors. But as long as we keep getting the complaints — and we do, every Saturday night — we have a duty to keep going back.”