Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Canoga Park Participates In Bold New Pilot Program To Help Acclimate Seniors To Extreme Temperatures

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff


DATELINE: JORDAN AVENUE


In addition to offering a cool, air-conditioned retreat to help escape the effects of the current heatwave, the Canoga Park Senior Citizens' Center is launching a new pilot program that may help seniors deal with high temperatures in other ways.

“Summer just began today and already the West Valley's a blast furnace” says Jeanette Ulichny of LA's Department of Age & Age-Related Aging. “It’s only going to get worse and we’re guaranteed to get no relief until November. That’s why we’re exploring new approaches to help seniors deal with the heat.”

According to Ulichny, when the Senior Center reaches capacity, three seniors will be selected at random, escorted outside and directed to climb into one of three large cardboard boxes sitting on the sidewalk in the hot sun. The boxes will then be duct-taped shut and the seniors will endure invigoratingly stifling heat for five to seven minutes.

Hot Flash of Genius: By temporarily moving seniors into cardboard boxes out front, the Canoga
Park Senior Citizens' Center helps condition the elderly to extreme temperatures while preventing
overcrowded conditions inside.  Seniors could reap heat-related health benefits, too.  Staff photo.
“Once we let them back out, the outside temperature, no matter how high, will seem delightfully refreshing by comparison. Then, after another ten minutes standing on the sidewalk in the hot sun, slurping steaming hot mugs of Pepsi Fire, they’ll be allowed in the Senior Center again and three other guests will be moved outside and into the boxes," says Ulichny, who developed the practice, known as "cartoning," when she worked as the activity director for a now-defunct chain of low-cost nursing home facilities.
A favorite with seniors, Tuscan
Pops were discontinued in 1983.

Extreme heat on the body often can result in lowering blood pressure and increasing circulation — two positive effects that many elderly folks may benefit from. Additionally, the "cartoning" experience could potentially help aged persons on hot days when they can't make it to the Senior Citizens' Center or any of LA's other cooling centers.

"Where they otherwise might sit in their homes thinking 'Christ almighty, this heat is unbearable,'" explains Ulichny, "Now they might think 'Wow, yeah, this heat's a real bastard, the a/c hasn't worked in years, I'm out of Tuscan Pops and I'm stuck to this vinyl-backed chair — but at least I'm not in The Box.'"

Ulichny notes that if successful, the program may be extended to allow for additional boxes.  “My husband and I just bought a new stove, so I may bring the carton with me tomorrow.”
•    •    •    •    •
Correction: Whoops!  Turns out the Canoga Park Senior Citizens' Center is in no danger of overcrowding and is a marvelous place for those who need to cool down in an air-conditioned environment to spend the day. We regret the error. For a complete list of LA County Cooling Centers click here, or dial 311 from your telephone.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Canoga Park Teen Impregnates Friend's Girlfriend In Same Area of Park Where He Was Conceived

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff



DATELINE: LANARK PARK


Father's Day has imparted extra-special significance to an already amazing set of circumstances for a local family this year: A Canoga Park teen recently impregnated a pal's girlfriend within a few feet of where he was conceived roughly two decades ago — under the same tree, by the same garbage can and on the same blanket at Lanark Park — yet mother & son had no idea of the remarkable coincidence until a cousin, friends with both of them on Facebook, noticed similarities between the pictures they posted commemorating the events.

The ritual of fornicating on the ground in a public park, or parkschtupping, is well-known in the West Valley.

Dr. Morris Detzer.
Photo: Mimi Detzer
"Folks engaging in parkschtupping are a common sight in our local parks," says Dr. Morris Detzer, head of the Center for Sex & Sexy Studies at Pierce College Winnetka. "We see it all the time: Two people who are involved in other relationships will arrange a rendezvous in a public park, traditionally on a ratty old blanket. While it generally starts with clothed but inappropriate groping, one thing quickly leads to another, passions are set aflame, and before you know it, a bunch of 8-year-olds from a local youth soccer league playing nearby get an early lesson in human anatomy and reproduction. It's the circle of life."

Says soon-to-be absentee papa Radek Murta, 19, of his recent public hook-up, "We like went to the park an' shit 'cause my Mom was home an' shit, you know? I just f_ckin' grabbed this old, like, blanket off the couch an' shit so we had something to lay on, right? When we was doin' it, Valeska [his schtup partner] was all complainin' an' shit because she rolled off the blanket and onto some dog shit and then onto some broken glass, but I'm like 'shut uhhhp!' you know?"
Above: Jana Murta in the act of conceiving her first son, Radek, in June of 1997 with "some married guy who like drove a truck for like the DWP," she remembers. "Holy shit, I had like good legs back then, right?"

Below: Radek Murta, Jana's son, on that same blanket last week, "with my homie's girl Valeska who works the graveyard shift at that strip club on Canoga an' shit." Based on the placement of the benches around the playground, it has been determined mother and son enjoyed illicit assignations within a few feet of one another — some 20 years apart.

"Oh my gahhh!" says Jana as she compares the two pictures on Facebook. "I like forgah that was the blanket we used. I've had that thing like forever. Who knows — maybe my mother used it too! Ooh, Raddie, you better like wash that thing before you put it back on the couch!"

"Heh heh heh...That's like crazy an' shit," chuckles her son. "It's like one of them...f_ckin' whaddayacall...coincidences an' shit! Man, I should give the blanket to Valeska so when her kid gets with someone in the park, they can use it, too."

The teen-aged father of three — soon to be four — beams with pride as he holds the wadded up blanket. "This shit's like a family hair-loom — like that you f_ckin' hand down an' shit!"

Friday, June 9, 2017

Canoga Park Resident Baffled By Mysterious Note

By Blythe Moorcroft, Quilt Staff




DATELINE: VASSAR AVENUE

A man in Canoga Park remains puzzled and confused after finding a cryptic note taped to the doorbell button at his front door last week.

“Well, I came home from work and there it was, just hanging there,” says Téodor Pasternak, an assembler with a local pool filter manufacturer. “I still don’t know what to make of it.”

The inscrutable note, typed in Arial Narrow 12 pt. and photocopied on standard 20-lb weight copy paper, reads in part: “Dear Neighbors: We just moved in to the house on the corner. My father is visiting and will be turning 60 on Friday, so we are having some friends & family over to celebrate his birthday. If at some point we get too loud, please feel free to come over and let us know or give me a call. Or just drop by and introduce yourself and have some cake.”

The incomprehensible message concludes with a friendly closing, a hand-written signature in blue ink, a name and a phone number.

Says Pasternak “I mean, I understand all those words. The phrasing, the entire sentences make sense. But when you put it all together, it loses all meaning. I’m at a complete loss. What is this person trying to say?”

Doorbell Cipher: The mysterious note was confiscated by the LAPD who were "concerned" but
had no answers.  It is currently being studied by Pierce College Winnetka's Cryptography Dept. 
Pasternak noticed similar pieces of paper on his neighbors’ doors, and was curious if they had any answers but had no means of communicating with them. “This is LA — this is Canoga Park,” he explained. “You don’t just go and talk to your next-door neighbor!”

As for whatever occurrence was planned for Friday night, Pasternak says he guesses it didn’t happen. 

“I heard some music for a little while, but it wasn’t loud at all — I mean, I didn't even have to close my windows — and it stopped at a reasonable hour. I did hear people quietly singing a song, and at the end, there was a little bit of cheering for a couple of seconds, but that part was over almost immediately,” says the baffled Pasternak. “At one point [that night] I went out to the store, and while there were a few extra cars on the street, no one was blocking my driveway. So I guess whatever these people had intended to do was canceled.

“I mean, there can be no other possible explanation.”

Monday, May 29, 2017

Incomplete, Lackluster Coverage of 2017 Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade Through 27 Unremarkable Photos

By Quilt staff

DATELINE: LETHARGY—  ...er, uh, FREEDOM!

What more can we say (other than ‘thank you for your service’) after having covered the Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade for a whopping four years now? You can only take so many pictures of the world famous Chatsworth Pooping Stallions and every talented West Valley high school marching band before they all begin to run together and even the most brilliant journalists hit a dry spell. 

[Or could it be that it's understandably difficult coming up with fresh material when covering almost the exact same parade year after year after year...?]

So forgive us if we’re a little light on the commentary this year; the sun was hot and the entire photography department was hung over. Plus, much like many of our local strip clubs, there's no assigned seating with the High Rollers Parade-Sponsor Gazebo — you get up to pee, you're losing that space in the front row! (Next year, we're bringing an empty mayonnaise jar.)

Eh, on with the pictures. Those of you who purchased VIP wristbands can click on the photos to see them larger, though probably in no greater detail.

Hey, a brand new banner this year! 
The last three (at least) they'd used one without the date. Can't use this one again!

The Pasadena Scottish Pipes & Drums numbered less this year than they have in the past, but thankfully, whether you've got twenty bagpipes or just two, they're still loud.

Rosie the Riveter waves to the crowd.

Some of the Wings Over Wendy's regulars! There were two trucks of 'em!

*   *   *   *   *

Presenting...your elected officials!

 Brad Sherman!

Matt Dababneh!

Henry Stern! [Not in photo: Henry Stern.]

Bob Blumenfield!

Ronald McDonald!  ...Now wait a minute!

*   *   *   *   *

The West Hills Neighborhood Council!
Did You Know...?™ While today the WHNC truck is carrying council members waving a collection of flags, it can be converted in moments to accommodate an angry mob wielding pitchforks and torches to run off any would be burglars, mail thieves and porch pirates that have recently infested the West Hills area.

Together again for the first time in over half a century, it's the cast of 1965 NBC sitcom "Camp Runamuck," and gee whiz, the kids haven't aged a bit! The show aired for a single season and—  ...What's that? Oops! Apparently this is a local Boy Scout troop. We regret the error.

American Legion Post 826 from Woodland Hills!

Though introduced as "Mr. Patriot," he'll always be Uncle Sam to us.
He lead the Liberty Tax dancers...

...and this photo does not do justice to their assorted cavortments and frolications, which they performed with not just abandon, but with gleefulmerry abandon. 
Memo to the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council: These guys were great last year and even better this year. Bring 'em back again next year. They know how to par-ade!

This horse & rider were tearing up and down Sherman Way like one of the countless street racers that have made the roads of Canoga Park famous, except with a lot less noise and no danger to anyone else on the road or to pedestrians. And no one in the crowd was hoping he'd crash his horse and perish in a fiery explosion, either.

The last time there were this many horses on Sherman Way was back in 1962, shortly before automobiles made their way to the West Valley.

Vintage cars!

Vintager cars!

Vintage cars...of the future!

Speaking of the future...

...a UFO monitoring the parade route? No, it's a drone, or unmanned photographamical airship, shown here alongside a satellite image of the earth for scale.

Our parade M.C., or emcee, Rob (?) ...Something-or-Other. Truly a master of masters of ceremonies, he kept up a steady stream of not only peppy parade patter, but peppy pre-parade patter as eager crowds wilted waited for it to start — never once becoming distracted by unauthorized non-parade jackasses riding their bikes right by him on the parade route. Lesser men would have been tempted to jam a handy broomstick into the spokes of the passing offenders. Note to staff: Next year bring broomsticks to parade (in addition to mayonnaise jars).

The El Camino Real Charter High School Marching Band!

Miss San Fernando Valley & San Fernando Valley's Outstanding Teen!

Give it up for this Dixieland Jazz Band from one of our local high schools!

And here's — yes! — another band!

"Nothing's Cooler Than Honoring Our Troops" is the theme of this year's float from the Coleman Company. Constructed of high-impact styrene, this 60-quart wheeled cooler can hold up to ninety soda or beer cans and one small child and is powered entirely by someone's mother.

That's all she wrote, folks. That's it. Parade's over.
Nothing to see here. Break it up! On your way! Move along now!

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ Happy Memorial Day! ⋆ ⋆ 

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Mangled West Hills Mailbox Result Of Comical Misunderstanding, Not Theft

By Brennan Callicott, special to the Quilt

DATELINE: FANCY-SCHMANCY WEST HILLS

A public USPS mailbox located in the Platt Village Shopping Center in West Hills that was mangled beyond repair was the result of a comical misunderstanding and not due to traditional mail theft, according to police.

Staff photo.

“We know that thieves try to break in to these mailboxes to get checks, credit card info,  anything they can use to steal identities or gain access to bank account information,” says Officer Reed Malloy, head of the LAPD’s West Valley Mail Theft & Thievery Task Force, Public Mailbox Division. “However, in this case, it was just a loud-mouthed but generally lovable schlub who had heard only part of a conversation at work and believed he was about to be fired.”

Despite the objections of his wife, the accused box batterer angrily fired off a blistering letter to his boss and mailed it, only to learn he was not being terminated but instead getting a raise.

At that point the accused, determined to get the letter back, enlisted his best friend, bosom buddy and lifelong pal to help him retrieve it before the mail was collected and delivered. The crude (and illegal) attempts to recover it resulted in the destruction of the mailbox.

While the pair were briefly arrested, no charges have been filed since the offender has agreed to pay the cost of replacing the box using his share of the prize money from next week’s big bowling tournament “that [they’re] a cinch to win” or the profits of another hare-brained get-rich-quick scheme that his long-suffering wife will try in vain to talk him out of.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Canoga Park Tackles LA Housing Shortage

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff






DATELINE: COHASSET STREET

Continuing its role as trend-setter for Southern California, Canoga Park has taken aim at  — and perhaps solved — the housing shortage that bedevils the sprawling metropolis that is the Los Angeles area.

Following a rare emergency meeting of the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council (CPFNC) on Tuesday, a resolution was put forth to approve a pilot program whereby new homes will be built directly on the street.

“With such a limited supply of viable real estate and its corresponding skyrocketing cost, it just makes sense to use land already available — public roads,” says CPFNC Vice Chaircommissioner of Housing and Houses Philbert Cheung.

“It’s an idea that just makes sense,” Cheung says. “Across the greater LA area, people are living on the streets in greater number than ever. Some roads in Woodland Hills are starting to look like 1980s KOA campgrounds with all the 30-year-old RVs. So instead of forcing these folks to push their broken-down Winnebagos down the block every few days, why not just move them into permanent housing where they already are anyway?”

Home, Home on the Road: Canoga Park's first three street-houses are already under
construction on Cohasset Street at Jordan, in the tight-knit Jordasset neighborhood.
While the project will result in narrow one-lane roads that would negatively impact traffic enormously, some say doing so would actually help to acclimate the Canoga Park / Woodland Hills community to the total gridlock coming to the area once the nearby Rocketdyne site is developed into a proposed 4,000+ apartment/condo sprawling mini-megacity.

Creating sturdy, subterranean foundations for these street-homes wouldn’t be a problem, either, Cheung explains. “With L.A. roads being in such dismal shape and never, ever to be repaired despite how many new taxes people foolishly vote for, in many areas you need only kick away the chunks of broken pavement with your foot to get to virgin topsoil, ready for easy excavation.”

The measure passed nearly unanimously 17 to 0, with the one uncast vote belonging to CPFNC Supervisor of Roads and Roadways Bernice Knudsen. “I hoped to be there for the vote but there was a Coachmen Cadet parked in front of my house and I couldn’t get out of my driveway.”

Monday, May 15, 2017

Tagger Profile: Emerging Artist ‘Kruger’ Makes His Mark On The West Valley

By Charlotte Rudnick, Quilt staff

DATELINE: EVERYWHERE
Staff photo.
UR over, UREK! Make way, ReKay! All hail the new tagger in town!

Up-and-comer ‘Kruger’ has been painting the town red...and black and blue and purple, embellishing everything from pieces of discarded furniture to alley walls, with his signature tag — the name “Kruger” — and making quite a name for himself in the process.

We met with the mysterious Kruger as he squirmed through the mud under a fence surrounding a locked construction site in Canoga Park. The tagger says he named himself after Otto Kruger (who died in nearby Woodland Hills in 1974) citing the prolific actor of the 30s and 40s as both an influence and inspiration.
Recent masterworks include this food-service trailer located in a West Hills parking lot: "No one
was around so I hit it an' shit." Kruger considers himself the namesake of actor Otto Kruger (inset).
“I really appreciate his body of work, an’ shit, particularly his earlier films. I count ‘Paris Interlude’ among my favorites, an’ shit. Pardon, there’s a portable toilet I’d like to spray paint my name on.”

Catching up with Kruger again later, as the ubiquitous artiste crawled — with the nimble agility of a lively cockroach — out of a garbage dumpster after tagging the inside, we asked him what keeps him up at night. 

“'What keeps me up at night?' Well, I drink a lot of cans of Venom Energy — watermelon-strawberry’s a delight — if I’m going out on a frolic [tagger lingo for ‘an evening of vandalism’ —ed.] and—

“...Oh! You mean if anything, like, worries me an’ shit. Sure — it's that people think I’ve named myself after either Herr Major Bernard Kruger or the accomplished Fredrich Wilhelm Kruger, two celebrated Nazi officers from World War II,” he says. “The idea, eh, sickens me — and any and all people who think I’d name myself after them should be rounded up and immediately and mercilessly exterminated like the subhuman vermin they are.”
"I feel my work transcends earthly confines," says Kruger. "There's a certain spirituality to what I do."
Here, a mural on the property of a Canoga Park church, his second there in two weeks.   Staff photo.
“He’s got an innate talent that I haven’t seen for some time, an’ shit. I’d put his stuff up there with some of GNAR’s best work or even early LeKoR, opines Canoga Park official tagger laureate DAИK, “And he works fast an' shit. One time I was taking a dump in a bathroom at Lanark Park and when I came out, the stall door had been Kruger’d. I didn’t even hear him! Though to be fair, I’m usually pretty noisy when I shit. An' shit.”

Kruger, who declined to be photographed for this article says that "...my work in fact speaks for itself.
It defines me. I am my artwork." Above: A pile of worthless garbage featuring the iconic 'Kruger' logo.
Even by his own estimates, Kruger has a busy future. While his immediate plans will continue to focus on defacing public and private property, Kruger’s figuring on eventually getting into the correctional industry, and, later, pursuing a career in the lucrative world of public assistance.

“But who knows,” he says, pondering the road ahead. “At some point, I may even try to get a job at Lowe’s or Home Depot in the paint department...just long enough ‘til they trust me with the keys to the spray paint cage.

“Or in the tool department. Get me some bolt cutters an’ shit — then who needs keys, right?”

Friday, May 12, 2017

Reminder: Tomorrow Is 'National-Get-Rid-Of-Canned-Corn-Left-Over-From-Thanksgiving' Day

By Quilt Staff

This Saturday, May 13, the United States Postal Service will be doing its part to help folks across America unclutter their pantries with the 25th annual Get Rid Of All That Canned Corn Left Over From Thanksgiving And Anything Else You Won’t Miss food drive. 

Earlier this week, those with street addresses here in Canoga Park and across the country received a brown paper bag in their mail box. Residents are encouraged to simply fill it with grocery items they no longer want, have no intention of ever eating and are cluttering up their kitchen but would feel guilty about just throwing in the trash. They can leave the filled bag by their mailbox on Saturday and mail carriers will do the rest.
  

Last year’s collection drive netted more than 150 tons of off-brand creamed corn, canned pumpkin, freezer-burnt chicken breasts purchased on sale that no one ever got around to doing anything with, and unappealingly flavored tea bags from cheap Big Lots holiday gift baskets, thus helping millions of American households with their spring cleaning by decluttering countless cupboards, cabinets and refrigerators.

Correction: It seems we’ve somehow misconstrued the entire purpose of this annual event, which, turns out, is aimed at soliciting donations of non-perishable food items to be delivered to local food banks. We regret the error.

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Forthcoming Winnetka Starbucks Evokes Mixed Feelings from Local Indigents, Middle Schoolers

By Jumilla Lubao, special to the Quilt.



DATELINE: SHERMAN WAY

A Starbucks café slated to open on the corner of Winnetka Avenue and Sherman Way, in Winnetka’s bustling Shermetka neighborhood, has some locals expressing mixed feelings about the chain’s newest location even before the first pot of coffee is brewed.

“Aw, hell no, man — not Starbucks,” says Ernie 'Nalgas' Holvik as he notices the 'Coming Soon' banners on the building currently under renovation, “They’re too expensive!”  

Winnetka’s first Starbucks will be located in a building formerly occupied by Burger King. Despite managing to screw up over 98% of drive-thru orders and 76% of dine-in orders, the fast-food restaurant, which closed earlier this year, was much loved by the community.

Winnetka's beloved Burger King is being renovated and retrofitted to reopen as the area's first
Starbucks, a change that could impact both local pre-teens and various hangers-around. Staff photo.
“It's right at four different bus stops so me an’ my old lady spent a lot of time here," says Holvik, who currently works part-time in and around Woodland Hills as a residential Amazon package acquisition specialist. "You position yourself behind one of the columns in the front of the dining area and whoever’s at the register can’t see you, so you could hang out all day sipping your Four Loko. The trick is to crack open the can before you come in. Because you can’t do it quietly.”

Says John A. Sutter Middle School student Carmen Bailor, “I was like oh no BK is closed, that totally sucks!” The seventh grader explains that she and her friends would go there after school and purchase a small order of fries. “Then we’d like all ask for water cups and sneak soda from the soda machine when [the counter staff] wasn’t looking.

“I guess we’ll do the same thing at Starbucks when it opens, only with coffee. Or those unicorn drinks I heard about. So, yeah, it’ll be cool. They have a dollar menu, right?

Nalgas, too, is starting to see the glass — or coffee cup — as half-full: “Well, I don't think [Starbucks] is gonna to sell me a big wad of chicken nuggets for a buck. But on the plus side, with the guilt that comes along with spending $6 on a cup of coffee, I’m guessing the panhandling’s going to be pretty good.”

Saturday, May 6, 2017

Canoga Please: Dots A Good Question!

Canoga Please! Like many of my neighbors, I’ve embraced the urban folk art, or tagging, with which our local artists have thoughtfully and thoroughly decorated so much of Canoga Park and the surrounding area. Why, just this morning, I see that my brand new red cedar fence has been graced by an original Oblek! Through the sheer ubiquity of magnificently defaced public and private surfaces here in the West Valley, I’ve become something of an authority on all things tagging, though there is one bit of knowledge that still eludes me: Many of the tags feature three dots, and I was wondering what significance this mysterious detail might have.  —Luis N., Eccles Street
Staff photos.

Dear Luis,
Ah, bless our hardworking local taggers who — with can of Krylon and pen of paint — tirelessly embellish and adorn every square inch of available surface with their fanciful and often intricate inscriptions. And yes — the three dots you so often see do in fact have special significance: It identifies the vandal— ...er, artiste as a fan of wholesome, fresh-faced 50s/60s singer-actress Doris Day. The dots, of course, symbolize her adorable, iconic freckles. Congrats on your new back fence masterpiece — but don’t look now — it’s just been overpainted by a common ReKay. Oh well — que sera sera!

•   •   •   •   •

Canoga Please! Yo! When the next season of Narcos coming out on Netflix an’ shit? I’m-a f_ckin’ binge-watch that shit, yo!  —ReKay, via spray-painted message on a fence in an alley behind Eccles Street

Dear ReKay,

No official release date for season 3 of Narcos has yet been announced but rumors suggest it’ll “drop” in August or September. 
Images courtesy Netflix.
In the meantime, why not enjoy The Pajama Game, Please Don’t Eat the Daisies, or Pillow Talk, instead — all available to stream instantly!

—Burton Cantara

Do you have a question about Canoga Park? Email it to us at CanogaPlease@gmail.com and it may be answered here. Questions may be edited for brevity or to accomodate photos we’ve been looking for an excuse to run. Sorry, but due to the volume of mail we receive, we cannot respond to every inquiry.