Tuesday, March 24, 2020

Protective Gloves Outnumber Condoms Among Filthy Latex Discarded On West Valley Sidewalks and Parking Lots

By Nita Keswick, Quilt staff


The familiar sight of the used condom — a ubiquitous presence on sidewalks, high school courtyards, parking lots and other public places in the West San Fernando Valley — has suddenly taken a back seat to disposable gloves, which now surpass the prophylactic sheath by a ratio of more than twenty to one, according to data compiled by the Canoga Park Department of Latex, which tracks such trends.

Toodle-loo, Trojans; Later, LifeStyles: Discarded latex gloves, not used condoms, are what's trending
now on the fashionable sidewalks, parking lots and public thoroughfares of Canoga Park. Staff photos.
“Used to be you couldn’t walk ten feet without squishing a used [condom],” says Reseda resident Lupe Darula as she transferred 12-packs of Angel Soft two-ply from her shopping cart into her car outside Ralphs on Sherman Way. “These days, it’s those gloves. They’re everywhere.  I guess because of this coronavirus thing, people just aren’t having sex in parking lots anymore.”

“It's sad, really. I don't know if we'll ever get back to the way things were, she wondered aloud as she peeled off her own gloves, dropping one on the cart's flip-up child seat, and shooting the other across the parking lot. 

“Ooh, look — I got some good distance with that one.

Saturday, March 21, 2020

LA River Runs Clear For First Time In Centuries As Coronavirus Lockdown Decreases Shopping Cart Traffic, Feces

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff


They say every virus has a silver membrane and COVID-19 — or “Chinaman’s Complaint,” as the White House has dubbed it — is no different.  Canoga Park’s expanse of the Los Angeles River is flowing crystal clear once again, due to the lack of shopping cart traffic and human effluvia, or huffluvia, in the picturesque concrete sluice since Eric Garcetti, a mayor with the City of Los Angeles, issued his recent mandatory “Aw, Gosh, We Sure Love Ya — So Stay At Home, Huh, Angelenos?” order.

Free of shopping carts and human waste, the LA River's waters run clear and pure. Staff photo.
The edict has had a “trickle-down” effect that benefited the river almost immediately, notes Donald Culross, head of the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council’s Neighborhood Beautifization Committee. “With everyone stuck at home, no one’s calling in complaints about homeless people living on sidewalks and around freeway off ramps,” explains Culross. So the housing-deficient are free to stay there rather than be forced to move to the largely unpatrolled LA River, its sheltered underpasses and its ‘Greenway’ biking, walking and dog-shitting paths, which they traditionally befoul with stolen shopping carts and excrement. ...Mostly excrement.”

The change has brought “back the crystal blue waters of ancient times, those of the pre-homeless epidemic,” according to Culross. “There was even reports of a dolphin frolicking upstream towards the DeSoto Avenue Overpass.”

Correction: What was described as a frolicking dolphin was in fact a waterlogged possum clinging to an empty 2-liter Jarritos tamarind soda bottle, and headed downstream. We regret the error.

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

Canoga Park Man Credits Girl Scouts For COVID-19 Preparedness

By Blythe Moorcroft, Quilt staff


A Canoga Park man says he’s grateful to the Girl Scouts for helping him prepare for the COVID-19 outbreak.

Teodor “Ted” Pasternak says he has West Valley troops to thank for all the extra groceries and supplies he stockpiled weeks ago that are now getting him through the current self-quaranisolation.

“The second I started seeing posts on Facebook and Nextdoor about ‘Girl Scout Cookie Season’ in late January, I ran out and bought everything I needed for the next three months — twelve cases of Spaghettios, eight cases of vodka, one package of toilet paper, everything a single guy could ever need.” says the recently unemployed pool filter assembler.  “That way I didn’t have to go back to grocery stores during the epidemic — the epidemic of pushy little girls harassing and hassling me once they set up their folding tables outside the front doors of these places, that is!”

Clockwise from top right: Off-brand cookies, random little girl, nourishing Spaghettios, Pasternak.

“Every year, there they are, ready to pounce, when you’re going in and when when you’re coming back out, with the ‘Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?’" Pasternak sneers.  "It’s like walking a frickin’ gauntlet. Look, those cookies aren’t cheap and every year the boxes gets smaller.  Five dollars?! Get outta here!”

Ironically, one thing the wonderfully misanthropic Pasternak did not stock up on was cookies. 

“And I could really go for some of those peanut butter cookies now. Not the ‘sandwich’ ones. Those are garbage. No, the patties — the good ones,” he says. “Dollar Tree sells the exact same cookies for a buck, thank God. I may be intimidated by a bunch of eight-year-old girls, but I'm no fool — I’ll take my chances against the virus for a package of those things! Hand me that face mask! I’m headin’ out!” 

Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Canogavirus Reported In West SFV Thrift Store

By Burton Cantara, Quilt staff


The highly contagious Canogavirus has been confirmed in the West San Fernando Valley, announced the Canoga Park Department of Public Hysteria on Tuesday morning. 

“What we’re seeing here is unprecedented,” announced Dr. Morris Detzer, chief fear-mongerer and head of peppydemiology, the study of particularly perky germs, for the Canoga Park Department of Healthiness. “Rather than our first case where someone has become infected with the disease itself, we have discovered an actual Canogavirus viral structure, many hundreds of thousand times the size of an average such canogaparkus coughus coughus virus.”

Most viruses, including the Canogavirus, are scientifically classified as described as teeny-tiny, or extremely small, cannot be seen by the naked eye and are only visible with the aid of a microscope, or thing-look-biggerer.

Detail of the fun, playful and potentially deadly Canogavirus. Source photo: Damian Yerrick.
“But this thing — Jesus, this thing’s the size of a frickin’ grapefruit — and it was bouncing around like it was doing the popcorn part of the Banana Dance song my granddaughter watches constantly on YouTube.” he added. “I don’t know if this is an isolated aberration or if the virus is evolving; nor can I say definitively if its enormous size and acute peppiness makes it more virulent or less so, but I’m just going to go ahead and say we’re doomed, we’re all doomed!”

The discovery was made in the St. Hissy of Marsupia Feral Possum Rescue Mission thrift store on Sherman Way in Canoga Park. A four year-old child found the colorful virus while playing in the ‘Kidz Korner’ after he pulled all the toys off the shelves, made a big mess of things and left everything all over the floor while his mother, across the store, scoured the lady’s section for high-end designer clothes to re-sell on Poshmark. 

“I never find shit here in the West Valley, and this thrift store was no different,” said the woman who would not give her name. “The [thrift store] employees were rude and said I should keep an eye on my child and clean up the so-called ‘mess’ he made. Yeah: no. Um, I don’t work here...?”

The mother and child had recently returned from a trip to Reseda, where they made a tour of the thrift stores there. It remains unclear how many people had been exposed to their terrible behavior.