Thursday, June 16, 2016

Local Women's Club Gears Up For Fun & Games With Bingo Night

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff.


THE CANOGA PARK First-Wednesday-of-the-Month Women’s Club is putting on a bingo night, and the community is invited — for a night of bingo.

“We operate primarily as a nightclub now,” mentions Flossie Brown, Vice Chairwoman In Charge Of Collecting Loose Buttons In An Old Ribbon Candy Tin. “However, we’re required to run a few quaint old-lady events throughout the year to maintain our certification as a non-profit women’s club from the National Federation of Obsolete Organizations.  

Bingo daubers will
be available for sale.
“So there’s this, and we also roll bandages for the war effor— What’s that, Myrtle? We won?!  When?

“...Oh, okay, so there’s just this now.”

The event will run Friday evening from 6 to 9 pm. There’ll be tacos, too.

“If there’s a food that goes better with geriatric women — using one hand to steady a series of flimsy bingo cards printed on newsprint spread out in front of them while dotting them with an oversized marker in the other — than crunchy, fall-apart tacos whose contents spill out all over the place unless they’re held upright, we haven’t heard of it!” smiles Brown.

The event should be quite a change of pace for the community surrounding the club’s headquarters as merry calls of “Bingo!” will likely replace the usual overloud sound system pounding out a seismically thumping bass felt for blocks. 

Club President Doreen Farber.
Photo courtesy Fred Farber.
“We’re used to more boisterous events on the weekends around here,” says Ted Pasternak, a neighbor to the club. “You know — lively music, car doors slamming all night long, partygoers swearing and arguing, kids running around screaming, cars peeling out and people smoking pot. And that’s just in the parking lot,” says Ted Pasternak. “Boy, they do have fun, don’t they?”

“Oh, that asshole,” says Club President in Charge of Neighborhood Cacophony Doreen Farber. “Well, I’m so sorry to disappoint — there’ll be none of that Friday night. Saturday night, definitely. Sunday night — probably. But none of that Friday night!

“Well, almost none of that. Helen Dobrucky gets medical marijuana for her glaucoma.”

Saturday, June 11, 2016

Local Tagger Inspired By Historic Democratic Nomination

By Charlotte Rudnick, Quilt staff


Move over, fellas — there’s a new tagger in town. 

Lady5150, better known to her family and friends as Valeska Stoica, is making her mark right here in Canoga Park.

Oooh, I was like inspired an’ shit...?" says the local artist.  "When f_ckin’ Hillary win an’ shit? She prove women can do like anything, riiieeeght? So I say you know f_ck it, I’m-a make my mark, bitches!”

One of Lady5150's eponymous tags as seen on a garage wall in an alley behind Follow Your Heart.
Although come to think of it, all tags are by their very definition, eponymous. Ah well.  Staff photo.
And make her mark she did — the former Canoga Park High School junior picked up a can of spray paint and started “hitting” various landmarks and buildings around Canoga Park, emblazoning walls, carports and Dumpsters with her “street” name — the delicate, feminine-sounding Lady5150.

“I come up with ‘Lady5150’ because people say I’m like crazy an’ shit...?”  [The term 5150 refers to an involuntary psychiatric hold in the California Welfare and Institutions Code. —ed.]  “And also, duh, ‘cause I’m a f_ckin’ lady!”

The Artist and Her Art: Valeska Stoica stands by one of her
latest masterworks in a photo she posted to Craigslist soliciting
 non-art-related work. "I scratch out my face in case my Gramma
see it. Or my boyfriend."  Photo: Valeska Stoica/
Stoica intends to inspire other young women by continuing to spray-paint her name on various pieces of public and private property around Canoga Park.  

“If I can do this shit, you can, too. Unless you that bitch Jessie Darula. Bitch, you come around Radek’s place again, I’m-a f_ckin’ cut you. I’m-a f_ckin’ cut you up, bitch! Stay the f_ck away! He don’t want your nasty ass. He got someone to keep him happy awright?!” Stoica punctuates the threat by spitting on the ground.

As for her future, it looks as bright as the fluorescent orange field-marking paint she used to “bomb,” or spray-paint, a parking lot sign behind China Buffet recently.

“I just turned 18 an’ shit...?  So I’m-a get me a job as a dancer at that club up on Canoga. Ooh, everyone say I can shake my ass real good. Ooooh, check out this booty, bitches!

“And then my baby comin’ in November, so I’m-a take f_ckin’ maternity leave an’ shit and raise my baby an’ then be a stays-at-home mom an’ shit...? Then I’m gonna do a line of t-shirts based on my tag art to sell online through a online store.  This shit’s gonna be off the f_ckin’ hook an’ shit. Pretty soon you gonna see my shit in Ross, bitches! Cha-ching!”

Hillary Clinton, historic first woman Democratic presidential nominee.  Photo: Gage Skidmore / Flickr.
Unsurprisingly, Ms. Stoica — pardon, Lady5150 — is just as outspoken about politics as she is about her career plans. When asked exactly what she found so inspiring about Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, she thought for a moment to find just the right words: “She’s, like, inspiring an’ shit...? You know...? Yeah, that’s it. I think it’s ‘cause she so inspiring. You know?”

Evan Schwinn, tagging authority & critic.
"I have a man-bun now, too."   File photo.
Lady5150‘s already started to garner respect in tagging circles. Renowned tagtavist Evan Schwinn has tagged along with Stoica on one of her tagging expeditions, or sprees as they are called in the tagging community, and is blunt but supportive about her abilities, likening her to a diamond in the rough. 

“Well, she’s not very consistent when it comes to her tags. Everything she’s hit looks like it was done by a different person. And last time I saw her, she was using chalkboard spray paint, for some reason. Um...but it’s really great that she’s a woman in a male-dominated field. I’m, um, really proud of her.

“...Okay, plus one night she gave me a hand job when we were sitting in my car waiting for people to leave this alleyway so she could tag a garage door, so there's that.”

Monday, June 6, 2016

News In Brief — June 6, 2016

A brief, up-to-the-minute 'roundup' of 
what's going on and what's happening
in and around the Canoga Park area right now.

Henry Stern and Matt Dababneh Face Off in Neck-and-Neck Race
With the June 7 election just a day away, things couldn’t be more heated in the contest for Who’s Stuffing The Most Flyers In Your Mailbox. The candidates, who are running for two separate and distinct public offices, have pulled far ahead from the rest of the pack of potential political representatives, with Matt Dababneh taking an early lead by having sent or been featured positively in approximately 67 different flyers over the last two months, with Henry Stern trailing far behind with only 32. As of press time, Stern had nearly overtaken Dababneh’s lead with a huge mailer push of what experts estimate have been dozens of flyers over the last week alone. As prospective voters nervously await mail delivery today, pundits are hard-pressed to make predictions as to who the winner will ultimately be, but join  a growing contingent of both West Valley voters and mail carriers in eager anticipation of it all being over.

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Salvation Army Has Gifts for Dads and Grads
Canoga Park’s own Salvation Army Family Store has announced the availability of special merchandise for purchase now that Father’s Day and graduation season is upon us. (“Graduation” is the successful completion of a defined academic curriculum and the receiving or conferring of a diploma.) “We do have a number of gift items an’ whatnot for  folks who finished school, and for your Daddies, [if] you want to buy them something,” says Donation Intake Coordinator Trenice Campbell. An adorable figurine of a loving child ($2.95), a tile featuring an inspiring message of faith ($3.95), and a color xerox of a photo of a religious doll with dead eyes and oversized hands shellacked to a tree trunk slice ($15) are just a few of the wonderful gift-giving possibilities Salvation Army has “in store” for shoppers. “Now, [if] you want that crazy-ass doll picture, you ask Berta in the boutique section. She’ll get it down for you. Don’t be all climbing up on the shelves, knockin’ everything to the ground and whatnot!” Salvation Army Family Store is located at 21375 Roscoe Boulevard. Open Monday through Saturday 9 am to 8 pm. 

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Nearby Communities
West Hills Donut Shop Decides To Wait Until All Letters Are Burned Out
A pastry shop on Victory Boulevard has made the decision to allow all of the letters of its sign to burn out before they replace any of the bulbs, a spokesman for the donuteria says. Royal Donuts is down to just two vowels and a consonant in the second word of its name, with the rest of the sign having already gone dark over the past two years. “We don’t have a ladder and it’s a whole thing to get someone out here from the management company.” says Roy Albrecht, head sprinkler. Despite the missing letters, the restaurant continues to do a brisk business owing to its wares’ delicious aromas wafting outside the store, luring in passersby, many of whom pop in for a dozen bear claws, crullers and other assorted specialty donuts after leaving a popular head shop in the same shopping center.