Friday, March 27, 2015

Canoga Park Teen Recants Claim of Finding Googly Eye In 'Cookie Monster' Ice Cream

By Michale Hemmingway, Quilt staff


In a complete reversal of an explosive claim made just a few days ago, a local Canoga Park teen has retracted his original account of finding a body part in a cup of ice cream.

Radek Murta, 19, of Blythe Street, originally claimed that he had been eating some “Cookie Monster” ice cream when he made a ghastly discovery. 

“F_ckeen, I’m, you know, all eating my ice cream an’ sh_t,” the Quilt reported him as saying at the time, “and I find a f_ckeen googly eye in it. That’s not cool, yo. F_ckeen googly eye an’ sh_t.”
Photo: RadekMurta69 / Twitter.
But his initial horror was replaced with a demand for justice as he swiftly filed a lawsuit against the sellers of the ice cream, local business leader Roscoe Olde-Fashioned Soda Fountain & Apothecary.  “F_ckeen googly eye, bitches! I’m gonna be rich!” he announced on Thursday at a press conference at the law offices of his attorney Lou Steinmart of Steinmart, Marshall & Korvette.
Whether it's pistachio to satisfy a sweet tooth or penicillin to clear
up a painful urinary tract infection, Roscoe Olde-Fashioned Soda
Fountain & Apothecary has something for everyone. Staff photo.

The apothecary/ice creamery/lunch countery, a beloved Canoga Park institution for the past five decades, responded by issuing a statement reading in part that “...we strongly question the validity of the claim, as well as the mindset of anyone filing litigation based on the absurd presumption that our Cookie Monster ice cream is actually made by or, God forbid, from Cookie Monster."

The ice cream parlor vehemently insisted that their frozen product is made with only the highest quality, all-natural ingredients, and further demanded to inspect the evidence — which, according to Murta and his lawyer, had gone missing, casting widespread doubt on the googly eye claim. By Friday morning, the complainant recanted the entire story.

Attorney Lou Steinmart remains tight-lipped about his client’s sudden retraction other than to say, “We discussed the issue at length and came to the conclusion that there had been a misunderstanding, Mr. Murta has withdrawn his suit; he would like to put the entire matter behind him, and, as I understand it, is back at home, in his backyard, playing ping-pong.”

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Canoga Please! Your Canoga Park Questions Answered! This Week: The Elvis Connection!

Staff photo.
Canoga Please! I’ve noticed the King of Rock & Roll proudly depicted on a mural at the corner of Sherman Way and Owensmouth, in Canoga Park’s tight-knit Shermsmouth neighborhood. It’s now or never — my curiosity won’t wait: What’s Canoga Park’s connection with legendary singer Elvis Presley? —MacLean Pratt, Gifford Street

Dear MacLean,
Canoga Park’s influence on the career of Elvis Aaron Presley cannot be overstated. 
In 1956, Elvis was living in a suite at Canoga Park’s Super 8 with songwriters/sushi chefs Jerry Lieber and Mike Stoller. All three met while working at the adjacent 2 Die For Sushi, and became friends when they found they shared a common interest in music. One of Elvis’ earliest hits, ‘Heartbreak Hotel’ was written in their room, although recently uncovered evidence suggests that it was originally titled ‘Heartbreak Motel.’ (A second hit, ‘Blue Suede Shoes,’ originally titled ‘Blue and Orange Striped Suede Bowling Shoes with Black Laces,’ was written at the Canoga Park Bowl in nearby Winnetka when the three were waiting for their turn during League Night.) 
Detail of original lyrics to 'Heartbreak Hotel' before an M was turned into an H
and rock & roll history was made. Photo courtesy Elvis Memorabilia While-U-Wait.
The King maintained close ties to Canoga Park all his life, insisting many of his movies be filmed here in town. (“Blue Hawaii” was shot entirely at the Lanark Pool.) Elvis maintained a luxurious vacation home known as “Graceland SFV” that still exists at Kona Kai Village Mobile Estates on Eton in Canoga Park's tight-knit mobile home district, and was known to frequent Sid’s Seafood House with good friend (and “Stay Away, Joe” co-star) Henry Jones, where the two would put away plate after plate of cheese toast and Byram River oysters, flown in fresh from Connecticut specifically for Presley.

In 2013, Elvis Presley Enterprises commissioned a local artist to create the public mural seen behind the bus stop on Sherman Way at Owensmouth, “to continually shine a beacon on the legacy that is Elvis” and which has been keeping those waiting for the 162 “all shook up” since its unveiling.

This wise man says only fools won’t rush in, over to see the masterpiece in person.

Correction: We have recently received information that the mural in question actually depicts a character from a 1970s television sitcom and Elvis Presley has no discernible connection with Canoga Park. We regret the error.

*  *  *  *  *

Canoga Please! I finally got a date with Paula Petralunga and I need a new set of whitewalls for my vintage Ford Roadster pickup by Saturday night. But I don’t have a lot of money!  What do I do?  —R. Malph, Milwood Avenue 

Dear Ralph,
Head over to local business leader Discount Tire Centers (The Seemingly Pluralizing ‘S’ On The End Of 'Centers' Stands For ‘Savings!’™) at Owensmouth & Sherman Way, in Canoga Park’s tight-knit Owensway neighborhood. They’ll treat you right with prices most everyone can afford. If money’s still an issue, ask to speak with finance manager Arthur Fonzarelli who can set you up with a reverse mortgage to make up the difference.

—Burton Cantara

Do you have a question about Canoga Park? Email it to us at and it may be answered here. Questions may be edited for brevity or to accommodate photos we've been looking for an excuse to run. Sorry, due to the volume of mail we receive, we cannot respond to every inquiry.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Fallbrook Center Parking Lot To Be Officially Transformed Into Motor Speedway

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff


Retail Opportunity Investments Corporation, or ROIC, has finally announced one of the main initiatives of their June 2014 $210 million acquisition of the Fallbrook Shopping Center in West Hills — an ambitious project to be called the Fallbrook Speedway.

“Studies have shown that a public race track and retail stores and restaurants can exist hand in hand,” says ROIC Vice President in Charge of On-Site Development Amy McGrath. “We look forward to working with the West Hills Neighborhood Council to begin the project as soon as possible.”

Staff photo.
A racetrack at the mall seems like a good fit, agrees Canoga Park resident Paolo “Slider” Cervasio, who stopped briefly to discuss the project outside Fallbrook’s 24-Hour Fitness location. “Speed is important to me,” says Cervasio, a freelance men’s locker room security breach analyst and bolt-cutter operator. “In my line of work, I often have to take off at a moment’s notice, especially whe— ...Sh_t, gotta go!” he adds as he throws two bulky backpacks in his car, hops in and zooms off across six lanes of mostly empty parking spaces as nearly a dozen men, some clad only in towels, run out of the gym toward the vehicle while yelling something about iPhones and wallets.

The track’s proposed five-mile route will take racers across the entire Fallbrook Center, starting at the mall’s northwest Van Owen Street entrance, around the abandoned tire shop, zig-zagging back and forth across countless parking lanes, and doubling back numerous times over other areas. Hairpin turns will challenge even the most experienced or distracted driver, and those with a need for speed will enjoy the parking lot-bisecting Stonefire Grill Hyperspeed Turnout, the Red Lobster Straightaway, and the Home Depot 1320. Pedestrians will be part of the fun, too, with the route running within feet of the always-busy recycling center outside Ralphs, right in front of the main entrance to Chuck E. Cheese, straight through the alley between Old Navy and the movie theater, and in fact, everywhere people walk on their way to and from any of the various businesses.

Right On Track: The route for the proposed Fallbrook Speedway covers
 nearly five linear miles. Image courtesy West Valley Motorsport Engineering.
“Aw, sh_t, yo, that sounds awesome,” says Davtak ‘Davvy’ Barsamian, 23, as he deftly juggles a Marlboro Light and a foam-spewing brush while washing his black 1998 Nissan 240SX in a bay at Fiesta Car Wash on Saticoy. “Man, all those crazy-ass turns, though!” he shakes his head and lights another cigarette off the first one while being shown a copy of the proposed track map. “I ain’t used to that sh_t, yo. We got a straight shot up on Nordhoff between Eton & Independence where I usually race. Man, I definitely gotta step up my drifting skills for this sh_t. Definitely, yo. By the way, can I bum a smoke?”

Dr. Morris Detzer
Photo: Mimi Detzer
Pierce College Winnetka professor of municipal engineering Dr. Morris Detzer thinks the proposed speedway is an idea whose time has come. “We’ve seen an uptick in dangerous, illegal racing across West Valley streets lately, and the creation of a dedicated speedway at Fallbrook Center would keep dangerous, illegal racing off public streets and isolated to an area where there’s already rampant speeding and incredibly bad driving. In fact, Fallbrook Center, especially the back end by Target and that gym, is quite well-known for it.”

Capt. Reed Malloy, Cyber Support Bureau Officer of the West Valley Bureau of Traffic Counter-Illegal Street Racing Cyber Support Bureau agrees, albeit reluctantly. “We’ve reached out through social media, encouraging local residents to report illegal street racing when they see or hear it. But sadly, people aren’t all that interested in simply picking up a phone, dialing 1-877-ASK-LAPD, spending just fifteen minutes or so on hold until they’re connected to a dispatcher to report illegal street racing incidents so we can do our job and eventually send out a patrol car to the area in question where a half-hour prior there allegedly was a race. So, since residents don’t seem to be willing to help us help them, yeah, I guess creating a sanctioned track might work.”
Artist's conception of "Whiplash Curve sponsored by Old Navy" at the 3.8 mile
mark of the proposed Fallbrook Speedway. Image: Photo Manipulation For Less
Not everyone is on board, however: West Hills Neighborhood Council president Bob Rawlins doesn’t want to see it happen. “Christ almighty, when Walmart opened here in 2004, the property value on my house went down thirty grand!” he exclaims. “And don’t get me started on Chuck E. Cheese encouraging all those East-of-Shoup people with their many, many children to visit. Now they want a racetrack bringing more Canoga Park residents over here?!”

Other locals echoed his sentiments. “Sheesh, why do these Canoga Park people have to come here? We never go there,” says West Hills resident Gretchen Biery over the deafening roar of rushing traffic in the parking lot outside Kohls. “Well, except to go to Green Thumb and Follow Your Heart. Forget this speedway — there’s something we could get behind: Move those two businesses over here to West Hills. I think I speak for all of us when I say it's a nightmare to be seen on the other side of Topanga. We’re usually ‘racing’ to get back home before we bump into anyone we know, ha!”

Correction: ROIC is not considering turning the Fallbrook Center into the Fallbrook Speedway; and in fact, the property owner recently installed numerous speed bumps and stop signs which is estimated to cut down on at least 6% of the infamously terrible driving behavior of the Center’s visitors. 

We regret the error.

Monday, March 9, 2015

‘Mythical’ Sofa Graveyard Found

By Blythe Moorcroft, Quilt staff


Long celebrated in folklore and legend — and up to now dismissed as myth by scientists — definitive proof of the existence of a sofa graveyard has recently been discovered on the corner of Valerio and Remmet, in Canoga Park's tight-knit ValerRemmet neighborhood. 

“This is something we never thought we’d see,” admits Pierce College Winnetka professor of home furnishings Dr. Morris Detzer. “Yet here it is. Here’s the undeniable proof. Now to figure out the ‘why.’” 
Stunning both scholars and skeptics alike, an eerie and otherworldly sofa graveyard
 has been found on the corner of Valerio Street and Remmet Avenue. Staff photo.
Several theories have been advanced about the mass grave to which the largest species of land furniture seems to instinctively migrate at the end of its useful life, with some suggesting that the furniture detects minute electromagnetic pulses that are generated by a combination of the free wi-fi signal at McDonald’s Roscoe & Topanga location, static electricity created by the stubble-on-stainless-steel friction from counter-clockwise gyrations of dancers working the pole at Xposed Gentlemen’s Club, and the mysterious cosmic vibrations from a rare Book-of-the-Month Club edition of the Necronomicon signed by author Abdul Alhazred and kept under lock and key at Next Chapter Books; all three triangulating precisely at a latitude of 34.204562° and a longitude of -118.600169° — smack dab at the vacant lot in question.  
One theory put forth holds that the sofas are attracted by an electromagnetic pulse whose signal is strongest
at the triangulation point of specific frequencies generated by three local businesses. Image: Google Maps.
Most experts agree, however, that the proliferation of old sofas is probably due to this being the first vacant lot encountered west of Canoga Boulevard on Valerio Avenue, the east end of which is already over-crowded with the castoff debris of residents living in apartment houses and various other structures along that street.

“It’s likely that this is just a particularly convenient place for sofa owners to heave unwanted, urine-soaked, bedbug-infested microfiber couches off the back of their pickups and get the hell out of there before anyone can do anything,” Dr. Detzer suggests. 

He notes that sofas are "particularly shy creatures" and may be showing up here in greater numbers due to increased human activity along Canoga Park's recently 'revitalized' section of the LA River. "Really, you want to ditch a six-piece sectional, you're going to want to just kick it off the back of a truck, not carry it piece by piece along a landscaped walkway with joggers going by every two minutes, no matter how cool it's going to look tumbling down sixty feet of sloped concrete."