Friday, November 15, 2019

What's Doing In Canoga Park — November 16 & 17

A Semi-Occasional Weekly Round-Up 
of Notable Canoga Park-Area Events,
For the Weekend of November 16 and 17

Two classic Beef ‘n Cheddar sandwiches for $5.50 will make Date Night at Arby's a romantic evening to remember, keeping costs south of that all-important six-dollar mark. (Water cups and Horsey sauce are complimentary.) Check your mailbox for the flyer featuring this and other coupons. Eh, better check it now before that organized network of mail thieves make their rounds — they gotta eat, too!  Arby’s, 7011 Topanga Canyon Blvd, Canoga Park. Open Daily.

Pick up this sublime libation — inspired by a cocktail the host of What’s My Line? sipped when particularly vexed by Bennett Cerf's nit-picky questions — from your local 99¢ Only store for $1.99 and get your muthaf___in’ drank on! Generous 8% alcohol content means you just need one four-pack to get good and 'faced — and at only $1.99, you’ve got plenty of scratch left over for whatever you need to handle that vicious cheapshit-alcohol hangover you’ll be waking up with the next day.  99¢ Only Store, 20914 Sherman Way, Canoga Pk. Open 8am to 9pm.

Editor's Pick! The owners of Canoga Park’s hottest anything-goes nightclub, Avalerio have graciously allowed the few remaining members of The Canoga Park First Wednesday of the Month Women’s Club to host their annual “Holiday Boutique & Osteoporosis Testing Clinic” this Saturday on their club's dance floor. Plenty of festively fun gifts to choose from, many made with yarn and glitter. Delicious baked goods, too, somehow also containing yarn and glitter.  Avalerio Nightclub, 21813 Valerio St., Canoga Park. Saturday, 10-3.

Get your steps in and work those calves with curb step-ups and curb step-downs as you head off the sidewalk and into the street and then back onto the sidewalk again and again and again to negotiate around dog feces, human feces, discarded mattresses, passed out individuals, passed out individuals on discarded mattresses, broken appliances, entire apartment's worth of furnishings (see above), homeless encampments, pop-up pupuserias and much, much more, as you take in the sights, sounds and smells of lively Variel Avenue, Canoga Park's very own 'Main Street, USA!'  Variel Avenue north of Sherman Way, open 24 hours, with a brisker pace suggested between the hours of 5pm to 9am.

Forget Netflix! The hell with Hulu! And Disney+ can take a magical flying leap! Your Canoga Park Nextdoor feed features much more compelling content in the form of Ring videos of local crimes being committed. Whoops, there go those boots Elaine up the street bought on Poshmark that she told me about!...Ooh, there's a fellow with, why, that looks like Jim-across-the-street's $1,200 mountain bike!...Hey, this sassy lassie's taking off with Mertyl's diabetes medicine — hope she can use it!...And here's a nude, erratic homeless gent angrily rattling someone's doorknob — well, that's what security doors are for! Tons of footage featuring new and binge-worthy suspicious activity added daily.  And did we mention it’s free?

Correction: John Daly is a golfer, and his canned 'Hard Tea' drink is delicious. John Charles Daly hosted "What's My Line?" and likely drank nothing during the filming of the show, but if he did, it was probably Dorothy Kilgallen, not Bennett, who drove him to do so. We regret the error.

Saturday, November 2, 2019

LA Fitness Chatsworth Location Really, Really, REALLY Closing for Renovation This Time, Seriously

By Blythe Moorcraft, Quilt staff


LA Fitness’ Chatsworth location is really closing for renovations this time, seriously, says corporate spokestrainer Shepherd Wolfe.  “Listen, we’re seriously closing on Sunday, I swear. We’re not kidding this time. If you think we’re kidding, well, we’re not. I promise," insists Wolfe. "‘Cause after Sunday, you’ll have to go work out somewhere else until June nineteenth of next year, when we’ll reopen.”

Industry experts predict that given LA Fitness’s track record for keeping to a renovation timetable, the updated gym — if it actually does close on Sunday — should be back open for business sometime in August of 2037.

The Chatsworth fitness center, popular with cranky retirees, reprobates, people with poor hygiene who don't wipe down machines, and the socially awkward — at least according to Yelp Reviews — previously threatened to close for renovations in 2018, 2016, 2015, 2013, 2012, and 2009. Each time, mitigating circumstances prevented much ballyhooed planned upgrades from moving forward at the last minute, much to the chagrin of members who joined the gym in 2009, 2012, 2013, 2015, 2016 and 2018 specifically on the promise of impending upgrades.

“No, this time, we’re serious. Really,” notes on-site facility manager Susan Elliott.  “Frankly, at this point, we have no choice. Members have been looting the weight room of all the Iron Grip 25-, 35-, and 45-pound plates for the past month and a half. There’s practically nothing left in there."

Related -  Editorial: Maybe if LA Fitness Actually Enforced Their Fucking Rule About No Fucking Gym Bags In Workout Areas, Thieving Douchebags Wouldn’t Be Stealing All Their Fucking Equipment