Monday, April 18, 2016

Pit Bull Rips Apart Little Yappy Dog In Polls, Named Official Pet of Canoga Park

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff


The pit bull terrier was overwhelmingly chosen by voters yesterday as Canoga Park’s Official Pet at the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council biennial Vote! For Candidates! 2016!, destroying rival candidate the little yappy dog and relegating its metaphorical carcass into the organic matter green bin of also-rans.

The pit bull's legendary tenacity helped the breed, already very popular in Canoga Park, grab and
 hold onto an early lead in the polls and tear through the campaign without letting go. File photo.
“Canoga Park voters have spoken,” says a pleased Dawn Haberlind, who spearheaded the campaign. Haberlind, the founder of private organization Pitbulls Are Really Gentle Animals, or PARGA, was on hand outside the polling site today with her beloved ‘pittie,’ Marauder, who occupied himself by gnawing on the base of a flagpole. “People with those little yappy dogs aren’t particularly civic-minded,” declared Haberlind who said she noticed a number of people approaching the polling place with their smaller dogs but “then deciding they couldn’t bother to vote and hurried right on by. Right on by!”

Reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Little Yappy Dogs party said they were proud to have run a positive if high-strung and annoying race, and were disappointed by the "completely unprovoked attacks by the [pit bull] campaign."

Staff photo.
The vote for Official Community Pet was just one of many of the races residents headed to the polls yesterday to decide at the Canoga Park Community Center in downtown Canoga Park. The elections were held in conjunction with Empower LA, a municipal organization that promotes increased citizen participation in local government and the distribution of tiny oval stickers. 

Beef 'N Cheddar from Arbys, left, trailed in the polls to one of those tortas from El Gallo Giro, at
right, ultimately losing its seat as Official Sandwich to the challenger. Photos: Arbys, Quilt staff.
Surprising Upset for Incumbent Sandwich
Pundits anticipated an easy win for Arby’s Beef ‘N Cheddar Classic, the well-liked and respected menu offering who has held the title of Official Sandwich of Canoga Park for twelve years. But few if any predicted a stunning victory by unassuming underdog, one of those tortas from El Gallo Giro, which was carried into office on a landslide of queso panela and goodwill.

Photo courtesy VoteDAИ
Tagger Laureate
Judging by the sheer volume of campaign signs throughout Canoga Park bearing the candidates’ names, there was no harder-fought race than that of Official Tagger Laureate of Canoga Park. In the end, however, ubiquitous tagger LOER ended up the loser and magnanimously accepted defeat to relative newcomer DAИK. “Man, f_ck dat shit, you know?” announced LOER in a heartfelt concession speech. Meanwhile, DAИK graciously accepted LOER's well wishes and mentioned his rival in his inaugural tag.
DAИK warmly references his opponent in his first official act as Tagger Laureate.   Staff photo.
Dem-Taco-cracy at Work
In an effort to get more residents interested in the election process, the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council took a page from the Bernie Sanders Campaign Book by offering free stuff to those who came to cast their ballot — in this case, food. 
All who built up an appetite exercising their right to vote were given a ticket, redeemable for a
delicious free taco, just as Thomas Jefferson himself had suggested over 200 years ago. Staff photo.
Unlike Senator Sanders, however, the Council actually has the ability to make good on their promise, and registered voters enjoyed the delicious and exotic 'taco' — a foodstuff comprised of corn shells, or tortillas, filled with spicy meat and a variety of vegetables — in a festively-decorated area located outside the polling place.

Poll workers at the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council Headquarters, located on the ground floor of the Canoga Park Municipal Building at 7248 Owensmouth Avenue, called the entire election a success and noted proudly that voter turnout was up more than 100% over last year when no election was held.

For a complete list of winning candidates, go to either EmpowerLA or the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council and eventually, the results of the elections — which we all took part in, on a Sunday, when we could have been doing other things we needed to do, but we voted, because it's our civic duty — will probably be posted.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Take A Picture, Parker Glassport, It'll Last Longer — April 7, 2016

Special to the Quilt by Quilt editor in chief, Owen Smouth, editor-in-chief of the Quilt.
OUR INTREPID teen photographer, Parker Glassport, is back yet again with another unique take on Canoga Park with our every-once-in-a-while, quick-throw-any-fresh-content-up-on-the-site feature, "The Roving Photogra—"  ...Wait, what are we calling this crap again? — eh, "Take A Picture, Parker Glassport, It'll Last Longer."

And heeeeeere we go:

And oh boy, isn't that a beaut! Real prize-winner, there, Parker. Yeah, you'll wow the admissions review board at LA Valley College with this masterpiece in your portfolio.

You should see the photographic crap we pass on from him, folks: the requisite pics of sleeping homeless people, dead squirrels, cluttered alleyways, abandoned shopping carts, closeups of chain-link fences topped with razor wire — pretty much everything you'd expect a budding high school photographer would think is somehow artistically profound. Sure, Ansel Adams he ain't but the kid doesn't complain when I send him to Jiffy Lube to get the oil changed on the Buick, plus he's getting some sort of work program credit and gets to skip school a lot. Everyone wins.

So anyway, you people enjoy the nice picture up there while our journalists are hard at work digging into news of Canoga Park and bringing you more hard-hitting journalism about Canoga Park news stories. 'Hard at work,' 'hard-hitting,' journalists,' 'journalism,' Christ almighty — Someone clean that shit up before we post it.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Local Women’s Club Weekly Nightclub Series Enjoys Successful Spring 2016 Debut

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff


A good time was had by all who were in attendance at the Canoga Park First Wednesday of the Month Women’s Club last night for the season premiere of its popular nightclub series, held at their headquarters in a residential area of town at the corner of Jordan and Valerio streets.
Headquarters of the Canoga Park First Wednesday of the Month Women's Club, the epicenter
of the normally quiet neighborhood's bone-rattling, anything-goes, no-holds-barred weekend
nightclub activity—or "Club Epicenter" as those living in its midst have dubbed it. File photo.
The weekly affairs, featuring various DJs, bands and guests, and celebrating a wide-range of events, everything from wedding receptions to more wedding receptions, are known collectively under the umbrella title “F.U.C.K. the Neighborhood,” an admittedly awkward acronym, standing for ‘Fellowship Unifies Community and Komplements [the Neighborhood].’

“We don’t dwell on our fudging the spelling of ‘complements,’” notes Women’s Club President in Charge of Neighborhood Cacophony Doreen Farber. “Most of the people who rent our facilities and attend the events aren’t all that literate anyway. The important thing is they pay us the money. Money, money, money.

“Money, money, money,” she continues. “...Money, money, money, money, money.”
A flyer for Saturday night's lively event.  Image: F.U.C.K. the Neighborhood Productions, Inc.
Rental fees for the use of the facilities account for 98.3% of the club’s annual income. (Hand-weaved red and green yarn pot holders sold during the annual Christmas Bazaar make up the remaining 1.7% of monies collected by the once-relevant service club with a dwindling membership.)

“OH, YES, THEY HAD QUITE A PARTY OVER THERE,” hollers neighbor Ted Pasternak as he walks around his house, straightening pictures on the walls jostled askew by the intense vibrations of the music from the night before. “I’M SORRY, AM I YELLING? STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN MY HEARING BACK YET.”