Sunday, February 26, 2023

Dozens Suffer Frostbite As Temps Plummet During Ill-Timed 'IcicLAvia"

By Blythe Moorcroft, Quilt staff


Nanooks of the North (of Vanowen) Two hardy souls head toward Reseda
despite frigid temperatures resulting in mildly severe loss of comfort. Staff photo.

Nearly all fifty-three participants in today's under-attended CicLAvia event between Reseda and Canoga Park were treated for severe frostbite due to the extreme low temperatures in the West San Fernando Valley. Many permanently lost fingers, toes and other assorted extremities as a result of the sub-pleasant cold weather, which were conveniently amputated free of charge at the First Aid booth, dubbed "Ice Station Reseda," located on Sherman Way at Tampa outside Grocery Outlet bargain market. 

CicLAvia, a semi-occasional, or every now and then, event closes down a major thoroughfare to automobile, or important, traffic to allow even casual bike riders to ride the way most dedicated cyclists ride most every day—like they own the goddamn road. The event is popular with both hipsters and thugs sharing what some have curiously described as “pride” in the community.

“I really didn’t want to come out today because of the frigid temperatures,” says De Soto Avenue resident Brian Rauschebart, clad in a –75ยบ rated Gore-Tex jacket, below a Patagonia down-filled mountain-climbing parka, below a bright blue, green and orange retro puff jacket from Old Navy, “but my girlfriend pointed out I follow all these urban biking blogs and mindlessly retweet everything they post on Twitter about taking back our streets from cars.

“I’d rather get out here on my vintage 1980 Huffy Sweet Thunder girls bike and endure the loss of a few digits than have to listen to her call me on my bullshit for the foreseeable future.”

Held during the coldest, snappiest cold snap of Los Angeles recorded history, today's freestyle bicycle rally was a change from other West Valley public street-closing events, which are traditionally held during the absolutely hottest periods of the summer for reasons no one quite understands or can even begin to explain.

Correction: No one suffered from frostbite, but one toddler was riding a Paw Patrol bike with training wheels barefoot and got his big toe stuck between the chain and the gear and hollered like hell until his idiot parents managed to get him untangled. Also, it was chilly out there but really, quite nice; and updated crowd estimates put the number of participants severely higher than 53, as it turns out. We regret the error.

Sunday, January 29, 2023


By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff



Staff photo.

Dozens Feared Trapped Inside, Still Waiting In Line


Discount retailer Big Lots, known for its discount merchandise, its lack of price tags on its discount merchandise or on the shelves where its discount merchandise is stocked, and its impossibly long, slow-moving checkout lines of customers trying to purchase its nebulously priced discount merchandise, has closed its Canoga Park location effectively immediately.

“Yeah, Danny, our cashier—he never came back from his fifteen, so we just decided to close up shop and board the place up,” says [former] Canoga Park Big Lots manager Esther Galinda. “—because I sure as hell ain’t going to open another register.”

Discount retail experts estimate that up to forty customers, all likely muttering “Ridiculous!” under their breath, are presumed to be still waiting in line inside—many clutching items that would have required an overlong price check and the assistance of at least two additional employees, one of whom either called in sick that day or is on lunch.


Correction: Turns out that no one is trapped inside, and Big Lots closure is likely due to an economic downturn and high inflation, coupled with increasing issues with theft from Canoga Park’s blossoming homeless population exploiting California’s Prop. 47 $950 merchandise free-for-all.  We regret the error.

Related: Cool, Envelope-Pushing Canoga Park Taggers Excited To Christen Virgin Plywood Of Closed Storefront With Provocative, Self-Styled Nicknames Based On Formerly Sinister Marijuana Culture