tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48562725021018242072024-03-02T14:37:20.591-08:00The Canoga Park QuiltCanoga Park's Only Hometown Online Newspaper, Now On The Internet!Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.comBlogger181125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-30955805909945828952023-02-26T20:00:00.000-08:002023-02-26T20:00:11.819-08:00Dozens Suffer Frostbite As Temps Plummet During Ill-Timed 'IcicLAvia" <p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;">By Blythe Moorcroft, <i>Quilt</i> staff</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: arial;">DATELINE: SHERMAN WAY</span></b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b></b></span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><b><br /></b></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS7VnF87kxA-uwqQyTukFUaQNG32wX954NRuW72r-ZKZyezDjkeH6cc30SyY2qj7_VwecKGaxSQ54iXMKWhPN0hneY7Ulsqhmt_nUC1hutKyMuRsZrd65bW19FERAZVCh9bxxiuhBKYUB_ib21jG7jQMT6Gndf_Nk7k9FaMwXwD45HupTP_0vOczlMow/s560/snowroot.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="422" data-original-width="560" height="395" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS7VnF87kxA-uwqQyTukFUaQNG32wX954NRuW72r-ZKZyezDjkeH6cc30SyY2qj7_VwecKGaxSQ54iXMKWhPN0hneY7Ulsqhmt_nUC1hutKyMuRsZrd65bW19FERAZVCh9bxxiuhBKYUB_ib21jG7jQMT6Gndf_Nk7k9FaMwXwD45HupTP_0vOczlMow/w525-h395/snowroot.jpg" width="525" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Nanooks of the North (of Vanowen)</b> Two hardy souls head toward Reseda<br />despite frigid temperatures resulting in mildly severe loss of comfort. <i>Staff photo.</i></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: arial;">Nearly all fifty-three participants in today's under-attended CicLAvia event between Reseda and Canoga Park were treated for severe frostbite due to the extreme low temperatures in the West San Fernando Valley. Many permanently lost fingers, toes and other assorted extremities as a result of the sub-pleasant cold weather, which were conveniently amputated free of charge at the First Aid booth, dubbed "Ice Station Reseda," located on Sherman Way at Tampa outside Grocery Outlet bargain market. </span><div><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: arial;">CicLAvia, a semi-occasional, or </span><i style="font-family: arial;">every now and then</i><span style="font-family: arial;">, event closes down a major thoroughfare to automobile, or </span><i style="font-family: arial;">important</i><span style="font-family: arial;">, traffic to allow even casual bike riders to ride the way most dedicated cyclists ride most every day—like they own the goddamn road. The event is popular with both hipsters and thugs sharing what some have curiously described as “pride” in the community.</span><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">“I really didn’t want to come out today because of the frigid temperatures,” says De Soto Avenue resident Brian Rauschebart, clad in a –75º rated Gore-Tex jacket, below a Patagonia down-filled mountain-climbing parka, below a bright blue, green and orange retro puff jacket from Old Navy, “but my girlfriend pointed out I follow all these urban biking blogs and mindlessly retweet everything they post on Twitter about taking back our streets from cars.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">“I’d rather get out here on my vintage 1980 Huffy Sweet Thunder girls bike and endure the loss of a few digits than have to listen to her call me on my bullshit for the foreseeable future.”</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Held during the coldest, snappiest cold snap of Los Angeles recorded history, today's freestyle bicycle rally was a change from other West Valley public street-closing events, which are traditionally held during the absolutely hottest periods of the summer for reasons no one quite understands or can even begin to explain.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;"></span></span></p><hr /><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: x-small;"><b>Correction</b>: No one suffered from frostbite, but one toddler was riding a Paw Patrol bike with training wheels barefoot and got his big toe stuck between the chain and the gear and hollered like hell until his idiot parents managed to get him untangled. Also, it was chilly out there but really, quite nice; and updated crowd estimates put the number of participants severely higher than 53, as it turns out.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>We regret the error.</i></span></span><p></p></div>Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-91694778827323014302023-01-29T18:15:00.000-08:002023-01-29T18:15:08.715-08:00BREAKING: BIG LOTS CLOSES!<p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: xx-small;">By Ingomar Schoenborn, <i>Quilt</i> staff</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: times; font-kerning: none;"><b>DATELINE: SHERMAN WAY</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> </span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6T-OyTOFBfwjDDVgGDnk6sAzVV9_LJip2UAkfQNfCcHLobTYBiWc5aJaxedq1XTSOE3-DQaTqgkPYKwhKbqCCiyNmuyrUvCMR97VtrJ3ho0PWZsjn-_rIE8I2lUzgsCFCXHddIMX6cwTbvGcb5_L7p3gdlvxAie1PEGZDdCtQW_EfjWgg9re9D1VYkQ/s540/biglots.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="273" data-original-width="540" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6T-OyTOFBfwjDDVgGDnk6sAzVV9_LJip2UAkfQNfCcHLobTYBiWc5aJaxedq1XTSOE3-DQaTqgkPYKwhKbqCCiyNmuyrUvCMR97VtrJ3ho0PWZsjn-_rIE8I2lUzgsCFCXHddIMX6cwTbvGcb5_L7p3gdlvxAie1PEGZDdCtQW_EfjWgg9re9D1VYkQ/s16000/biglots.jpeg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: right;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Staff photo.</span></i></td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: times; font-kerning: none;"></span></div></div><p></p><h1 style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: times; font-kerning: none; font-size: large;">Dozens Feared Trapped Inside, Still Waiting In Line</span></h1><div><span class="s1" style="font-family: times; font-kerning: none; font-size: xx-small;"> </span></div><p style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: times; font-size: large;">Discount retailer Big Lots, known for its discount merchandise, its lack of price tags on its discount merchandise or on the shelves where its discount merchandise is stocked, and its impossibly long, slow-moving checkout lines of customers trying to purchase its nebulously priced discount merchandise, has closed its Canoga Park location effectively immediately.</span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="font-family: times; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: times; font-size: medium;"><br /></span><span class="s1" style="font-family: times; font-kerning: none; font-size: medium;">“Yeah, Danny, our cashier—he never came back from his <i>fifteen</i>, so we just decided to close up shop and board the place up,” says [former] Canoga Park Big Lots manager Esther Galinda. “—because I sure as hell ain’t going to open another register.”</span></p><p style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: times; font-size: medium;"><br /></span><span class="s1" style="font-family: times; font-kerning: none; font-size: medium;">Discount retail experts estimate that up to forty customers, all likely muttering <i>“Ridiculous!”</i> under their breath, are presumed to be still waiting in line inside—many clutching items that would have required an overlong price check and the assistance of at least two additional employees, one of whom either called in sick that day or is on lunch.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"> </span></p><hr style="text-align: left;" /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: times; font-size: medium;"><b>Correction</b>: Turns out that no one is trapped inside, and Big Lots closure is likely due to an economic downturn and high inflation, coupled with increasing issues with theft from Canoga Park’s blossoming homeless population exploiting California’s Prop. 47 $950 merchandise free-for-all.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>We regret the error.</i></span></div><div><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none; font-size: x-small;"></span></p><hr /><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="s1" style="font-family: arial; font-kerning: none; font-size: medium;"><span style="color: #2b00fe;"><b>Related:</b> </span><u><span style="color: #2b00fe;">Cool, Envelope-Pushing Canoga Park Taggers Excited To Christen Virgin Plywood Of Closed Storefront With Provocative, Self-Styled Nicknames Based On Formerly Sinister Marijuana Culture</span></u></span></div><p></p></div>Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-52094832267180508712022-12-24T16:01:00.000-08:002022-12-24T16:01:57.943-08:00Trendy Pop-Up Chop Shop Opens For Last-Minute Bicycle Shoppers In Canoga Park's Old Town Area<p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">By Nita Keswick, <i>Quilt</i> staff</span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg7j1wr2dXkWUA3epBc_oa137grh2Zpfv8nIAvPzPAQehfeLCypmaBbZqG41niR0t2BbhH40MDFVB_6GumDWiK4sw_46DjwyVYl3_dlC1ZIA3kRvNOSNTP5mYSAwVLxi0s71Z5Pt9byqHsgrj5XxNozIz_ZnKzc0hO8oYLCQbeze2p9U2RkHXjLW3Q5Ng" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="207" data-original-width="607" height="68" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEg7j1wr2dXkWUA3epBc_oa137grh2Zpfv8nIAvPzPAQehfeLCypmaBbZqG41niR0t2BbhH40MDFVB_6GumDWiK4sw_46DjwyVYl3_dlC1ZIA3kRvNOSNTP5mYSAwVLxi0s71Z5Pt9byqHsgrj5XxNozIz_ZnKzc0hO8oYLCQbeze2p9U2RkHXjLW3Q5Ng=w200-h68" width="200" /></a></div><br /><br /></div><br /><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><br /></b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><br /></b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>DATELINE: VALERIO STREET</b></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Last minute-shoppers in Canoga Park are in luck as the Christmas shopping season has dwindled from weeks and days to mere hours.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">A trendy pop-up chop shop has opened on Valerio Street near Remmet Avenue, in Canoga Park’s bustling Remmalerio district, catering to those whose preferred method of transportation, even in this joyful holiday season, runs more toward bicycle rather than sleigh.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiOry45VRbMHhh2cv5i6RN19Bi1w3akqB-CR6Mf_gxixagvcRyooK4rNQ64XUZi1n9Hp966Q6qk_kAbVHlrjB4oiHqk4vESN_zVQkORxFd257BmlT7lLY46sOvQJCEt2LLSTRoWrd6t3wE2RINsdzabQlLud546v_DVO4w9AuQfx95KrzKQ6I6nFCi2sg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img data-original-height="479" data-original-width="1277" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEiOry45VRbMHhh2cv5i6RN19Bi1w3akqB-CR6Mf_gxixagvcRyooK4rNQ64XUZi1n9Hp966Q6qk_kAbVHlrjB4oiHqk4vESN_zVQkORxFd257BmlT7lLY46sOvQJCEt2LLSTRoWrd6t3wE2RINsdzabQlLud546v_DVO4w9AuQfx95KrzKQ6I6nFCi2sg=w400-h150" title="Pop-Up Chop Shop" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Chop Locally:</b> Buy your new bike, or, in many cases,<br />your old bike at this handy pop-up shop. <i>Staff photo.</i></td></tr></tbody></table></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;">“We’ve got all kinds of bikes; whatever you need, we got, or we can cobble together a custom job for your needs or, uh, fuckin’ price-point,” says Ernie “Nalgas” Holvik, the shop’s proprietor. “Our prices can’t be beat, either. I just sold an almost brand new, $2800 aluminum frame Rockhopper for $40 cash and a fifth of Fireball. I’m keeping motherfuckin’ <i>warm</i> tonight.”<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">They take custom orders, too. “You want a specific type of bike, you let me or my boys know. Even better if you can tell us where you seen it, and whether <i>where</i> you seen it has one of those fuckin' Ring cameras or not,” Nalgas says, as he hands an assistant a West Hills address and a pair of bolt cutters. “We’ll grind off the serial number, switch out any distinctive, identifiable accessories, and have it ready for you within a matter of hours.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">"....er, that is to say, we'll <i>customize</i> it to your <i>specifications</i> an' shit."</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The shop is open twenty-four hours, too, says Holvik, who also works part-time as a residential Amazon package reacquisition specialist. “I don’t give a shit what time it is. You want a deal on a bike, you bang on the window of my trailer if I’m not outside. If I don’t answer, break open the door and grab the naloxone injector out of my shirt pocket and for fuck’s sake restart my heart!<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>I don’t forget shit like that. Someone did that for me last week and I threw in—for <i>free!</i>—a fuckin’ vintage banana seat on the bike he bought. </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">"Hey, man, more than ever, you gotta do right by those that help you in this fuckin’ holiday season, ya know?”</span></p>Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-73135462005775511802021-09-13T13:39:00.000-07:002021-09-13T13:39:19.014-07:00Local Poll Shows Surprise Frontrunner In Governubtorial Recall Campaign Leading By Double Digits<p><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;"><b>DATELINE: FANCY-SCHMANCY WEST HILLS</b></span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">By Brennan Callicot, special to the <i>Quilt</i>.</span></span></p><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">A recent, unofficial poll conducted at the ballot drop box outside the West Hills / Platt Avenue Branch of the Los Angeles Public Library yielded results which experts suggest indicate an uphill battle for both Gavin Newsom, a governor with the State of California, and those who would hope to replace him.</span></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWeJHP_VCitsP-ES8Sj9eE9mgsWJl93MtNHD3M0VDB_BqAPwLzLi9Ky1oF_d8Pgd5ZwJLSmYpX41bynqWf5KQrU9uC7tAPFJg24dmJeKeCe7_J1pmv1nCj08JXqYGGw24Q45rzeo4I7ZY/s642/ballotbox.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="554" data-original-width="642" height="330" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWeJHP_VCitsP-ES8Sj9eE9mgsWJl93MtNHD3M0VDB_BqAPwLzLi9Ky1oF_d8Pgd5ZwJLSmYpX41bynqWf5KQrU9uC7tAPFJg24dmJeKeCe7_J1pmv1nCj08JXqYGGw24Q45rzeo4I7ZY/w383-h330/ballotbox.jpg" width="383" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The ballot box — not a book return kiosk! — in happier days. <i>Staff photo.</i></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;">Ernie “Nalgas” Holvik, a local homeless, or <i>locally unhoused</i>, resident revealed the results after a late night shift as a freelance pollster. “Well, I’m not so much a pole-ster as a crowbar-ster, on account of I used a crowbar to pry this bastard open. Thought it was one of them Amazon lockers I been hearing about," explains Holvik.</div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">After tallying the contents of the box, he offered the following data:</span></div><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px; text-align: left;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: medium;"><i>Klara and the Sun, </i>Kazuo Ishiguro: 21</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: medium;"><i>Of Women and Salt, </i>Gabriela Garcia: 18</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: medium;"><i>The Very Hungry Caterpillar, </i>Eric Carle / <i>The Four Winds, </i>Kristin Hannah (tied): 16</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: medium;"><i>Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Hard Luck, </i>Jeff Kinney: 14</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: medium;"><i>The Hunger Games: Mockingjay, </i>Suzanne Collins: 13</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: medium;"><i>Empty Carl’s Jr. </i>soft drink cup, large: 10</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: medium;"><i>Feces, </i>dog: 9</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: medium;"><i>Crying In H Mart, </i>Michelle Zuaner: 8</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: medium;"><i>Feces, </i>human: 7</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: medium;"><i>Jury Duty Summons, </i>reply-by-mail form: 4<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="color: #800180; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: medium;"><i>Recall Newsom: </i>3</span></b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="color: #800180; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: medium;"><i>Don’t Recall Newsom: </i>3</span></b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="background-color: white; font-kerning: none;"><span style="color: #800180; font-family: trebuchet; font-size: medium;"><i>Of Women and Salt, </i>trade paperback: 2</span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Some, including library employees, were not pleased by the results.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“Everyone on staff here told [representatives from the Secretary of State]<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>that if they put that goddamn ballot drop-box here, right outside a fucking <i>library</i>, people would presume it’s a fucking <i>book return kiosk</i> no matter <i>how</i> the fuck it’s labeled — and they’d jam books in there, not ballots,” said Larry Symanski, Platt Library’s assistant to the regional librarian. “That’s the problem with these idiots — they don’t know how to fucking read!<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m supposed to host a mid-afternoon Snack & Nap reading of Pat the Fucking Bunny to our Readin’ Rugrats pre-school group.”</span></p>Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-42665533882771709682020-11-03T07:21:00.027-08:002020-11-06T00:22:04.815-08:00Local Spider Determined To Save Democracy Spins Messages Of Advocacy In Canoga Park Webs<p><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"> <span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">By Nita Keswick, </span><i style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Quilt</i><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"> staff</span></span></p><b><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwK8bUybX2bFMTZIKmGBJAOi0eYN2AOx5aGukcX-pACsNsd-8d4pN44IZ0uaM2byLkzs4wlevzUnvqYi4qNCZBS0CsxH8SJxh1iFVEsDtfrILsgmKO1bOXAuIdHO5bCgUQdSA8pCXtrLM/s250/jordan250.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="88" data-original-width="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwK8bUybX2bFMTZIKmGBJAOi0eYN2AOx5aGukcX-pACsNsd-8d4pN44IZ0uaM2byLkzs4wlevzUnvqYi4qNCZBS0CsxH8SJxh1iFVEsDtfrILsgmKO1bOXAuIdHO5bCgUQdSA8pCXtrLM/s0/jordan250.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">DATELINE: JORDAN AVENUE</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></span></b><p></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">A common orb weaver spider has taken it upon herself to save democracy, <i>neé</i>, the entire USA, by skillfully crafting messages in her surprisingly colorful webs, encouraging citizens to exercise their right to vote.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The busy, agenda-driven spider, presumed to be of the genus <i>arachnida politica</i>, has displayed her work around a<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>number of trees and poles on Jordan Ave near Saticoy, in Canoga Park’s civic-minded Jordicoy neighborhood.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"><br /></span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjw4ZUV3lUWbHXdO775M2-vzknDi-fqyO_oHytsPRix_y5uqbNmpSXKrb7o367yiyRn5Auk5BpGJ55Odq82y-lqfuFJpUslKdMR0p-KI4icNkbC6s86RDDg0FwkvQTc8qNGkf4Jo3F3Bc/s485/cpqspidervote.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="370" data-original-width="485" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjw4ZUV3lUWbHXdO775M2-vzknDi-fqyO_oHytsPRix_y5uqbNmpSXKrb7o367yiyRn5Auk5BpGJ55Odq82y-lqfuFJpUslKdMR0p-KI4icNkbC6s86RDDg0FwkvQTc8qNGkf4Jo3F3Bc/s16000/cpqspidervote.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The peppy little spider, inset, with two examples of her work. <i>Staff photos.<br /></i></td></tr></tbody></table><p></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The word “Vote” has appeared multiple times, but residents of the area report seeing other messages, including “Some Candidate,” “Radiant,” “Humble,” “Terrific,” and “Hand-Made Pupusas 2$ each.”</span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Says Elkwood Street resident Bryan Rauschebart, “I’m glad she decided to eventually go with a more non-partisan approach and just weave ‘Vote’ in her webs. ‘Terrific’ sounded a little too Trumpian for me, and I’m solidly behind Kanye — if only ironically, because this state’s going for Biden anyway.</span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">“But that bit about the pupusas really burned me up. The dollar sign goes <i>before</i> the numeral, not after. When will this country learn?”</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg162B719EpSP3vq_cf9tbkryve5k61Z40RMdl6wemGu8FuV3XzGBP5cbK5u9H8LxdCKwgaoX32PcQAzU-C4bifMA-hymwWRjOwV3xVFFvEqshOFoN4zxY8GjY2PAPAiaHnMy5aeAFED8s/s485/vote1.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="358" data-original-width="485" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg162B719EpSP3vq_cf9tbkryve5k61Z40RMdl6wemGu8FuV3XzGBP5cbK5u9H8LxdCKwgaoX32PcQAzU-C4bifMA-hymwWRjOwV3xVFFvEqshOFoN4zxY8GjY2PAPAiaHnMy5aeAFED8s/w454-h236/vote1.jpg" width="454" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i> Staff photos.</i></td></tr></tbody></table><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The spider responsible for the message-laden webs was unavailable for comment as it had been, just days before the election, snatched off its web, and just as quick as you please, gobbled up by a hungry crow.</span></span><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: georgia; font-size: x-small;"></span></span></p><hr /><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><b>Correction:</b> Seems it wasn’t a spider responsible for the messages, but an anonymous knitter into what the kids these days call “yarn bombing.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>We regret the error.</i></span></span>Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0Canoga Park, Los Angeles, CA, USA34.208254 -118.6058609-9.12767868531715 171.08163910000002 77.544186685317143 -48.293360899999996tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-90265051962273460362020-05-15T13:04:00.002-07:002020-05-22T17:34:30.553-07:00Distance, Mindfulness Among Changes To Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade Due To Coronavirus Pandemic<div class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); color: #444444; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">By Ingomar Schoenborn, <i>Quilt</i> staff</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><br /></b></span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>DATELINE: SHERMAN WAY</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">It wouldn’t be the last Monday of May in the west San Fernando Valley without the parade honoring those who’ve died while serving in the U.S. armed forces — but due to this year’s feisty coronavirus, staging the popular procession in a mindful way has given local officials a unique set of problems.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade in happier, less pandemic-y times. <i>Staff photo.</i></td></tr>
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“The Memorial Day Parade is Canoga Park’s biggest annual event and draws enormous crowds,” says Murla Havemeyer, Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council’s Chairperson of Parade Organizement. “Ordinarily that's great, but not with this COVID-19 thing trending. So rather than cancel the parade, we decided to figure a way to accommodate spectators and participants alike in a safe, responsible way — while being mindful.”</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Murla Havemeyer, CPFNC's<br />
Head of Parade Organizement</td></tr>
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The solution? Space the crowds out. The parade has traditionally run along Sherman Way from Owensmouth Avenue to Mason Avenue for a total of 1.25 miles with crowds four and five people deep lining both sides of the street for its entire length. This year, however, to properly socially distance the estimated 30,000 spectators who are likely to attend, the parade route will extend eastward for an approximately fifteen additional miles to the Bob Hope Airport in Burbank.<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“We’ve had crews out this week marking off six-foot intervals and taping down approved viewing spaces on the sidewalks from here into Winnetka, Reseda, Lake Balboa, Van Nuys, Valley Glen, North Hollywood, all the way into Burbank. We’re mindful of the fact that Memorial Day is less than two weeks away but anticipate they should be done in time for the parade on Monday, May 25.”</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Those hoping to show their patriotism by attending need only find an unoccupied Individual Parade Enviewment Location and stand directly on it while the parade files by.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Taped directly to the sidewalk six feet apart, these Parade Enviewment mats will help spectators<br />
across the San Fernando Valley to enjoy the parade while maintaining crucial social distancing.<br />
Simply find a vacant mat and stand directly on it as the Memorial Day parade passes. <i>Staff photo.</i></td></tr>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">There have been changes for those participating in the parade as well, says Havemeyer.</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“Since we’ll be crawling along at a little over two miles an hour across the entire length of the valley, [parade vehicle] drivers need to be mindful and prepare for a seven hour trip. That means a full tank of gas and an empty Big Gulp cup in the seat next to you in case you need it.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">A brief pitstop is scheduled at the Hazeltine ARCO in Van Nuys, notes Havemeyer, to accommodate antique cars with smaller tanks or particularly inefficient gas mileage, and those who “can’t hold it any longer.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwXVdm_glQQaUV-S7Be3w1VsJpjMvNNmyETmvpDh6LJeUpLYNuZjbOkAj0mE-ICU7MEIAsV1R0-nibAG_OeRYybO_B4U2_5LUCA2teSK3ZDgbgwpevKfgOMDcLu9t5mjhMXS3BJo3aUwU/s1600/arcohazel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="331" data-original-width="572" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwXVdm_glQQaUV-S7Be3w1VsJpjMvNNmyETmvpDh6LJeUpLYNuZjbOkAj0mE-ICU7MEIAsV1R0-nibAG_OeRYybO_B4U2_5LUCA2teSK3ZDgbgwpevKfgOMDcLu9t5mjhMXS3BJo3aUwU/s1600/arcohazel.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This clean, friendly ARCO station in Van Nuys marks the halfway point in this year's parade — and a welcome<br />
"pit-stop" for those needing to gas up a parade vehicle, urinate — or even defecate. <i>Photo credit: Google Maps.</i></td></tr>
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Anyone without a Big Gulp cup who doesn’t think they’ll make it to that halfway point are are advised to wear suitable protective undergarments “especially if you’re riding as a guest in a classic car with vintage fabric seats. Our insurance only covers so much.”</div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Parade participants marching on foot are advised to wear comfortable shoes and be prepared to traverse the entire route. “We really want to be mindful about putting on a good show for the crowds from here to Burbank so we’ve given the Pierce College Winnetka ROTC Drill Team the go-ahead to use their bayonets to prod along anyone who starts to lag behind.”</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyAT_xgrf-1P7yjrTkFZMNM7bdHKCd2Ayh6ASYt8O2zS7rIJ8IGLPvAkdbfYcZadUyeOOkYFb4yevswRg2g729h3_zgkGDKfWq1moRKhfnsA-KPZUniNs-PA9GuOB9tZR9Jwb_zpfI3ko/s1600/15parade23.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="465" data-original-width="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyAT_xgrf-1P7yjrTkFZMNM7bdHKCd2Ayh6ASYt8O2zS7rIJ8IGLPvAkdbfYcZadUyeOOkYFb4yevswRg2g729h3_zgkGDKfWq1moRKhfnsA-KPZUniNs-PA9GuOB9tZR9Jwb_zpfI3ko/s1600/15parade23.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Horses, like this one from the 2015 parade, will be part of this year's event, but<br />
only if horse and passenger are both mindful of going the distance. <i>Staff photo.</i></td></tr>
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Dancing horses, always a popular element of the festivities, will be included this year as well. Vaqueros have been asked to include only their most healthy animals that have the stamina to gaily prance and frolic for the entirety of the 16+ mile distance. “We don’t want a ‘Santa Anita racetrack situation’ taking place in the middle of Sherman Way,” says Havemeyer.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>“We’re trying to be especially mindful of any kids watching.”</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVawcYd3BsCSq4JSPdkO886umsAi7nWhB9XU4z1e8VNAu0T_k5w9t2CuU3JWcV8mSkIKf-IiB7Tm5Ix7vDpn70Sgxx4iuRoCuUkAqYA8419zRlS8-2pedtY1nxSUkLehx31pKuOMi2jTg/s1600/valsera.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="182" data-original-width="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVawcYd3BsCSq4JSPdkO886umsAi7nWhB9XU4z1e8VNAu0T_k5w9t2CuU3JWcV8mSkIKf-IiB7Tm5Ix7vDpn70Sgxx4iuRoCuUkAqYA8419zRlS8-2pedtY1nxSUkLehx31pKuOMi2jTg/s1600/valsera.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Jason Valsera, teen tubadour.</td></tr>
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Music is a big part of any good parade and the organizement committee has been mindful to make sure to include plenty of marching bands this year as always — with specific modifications.<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Stoney Point High School senior Jason Valsera says he’s mindful of the challenges this year’s parade brings. “We’re doing our best. But now that we have to march single file and the band will be stretched out over 250 yards, we need to play a lot louder so we’re all on the same measure. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“And with the muffling from that N-95 tuba mask I’m required to put on my instrument, that’s not going to be easy.”</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none; font-size: x-small;"><b>Correction: </b>Seems the parade has been canceled this year. <i>We regret the error.</i></span></div>
Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-40099257544320598172020-05-07T10:56:00.000-07:002020-05-07T11:26:43.968-07:00Still No Date Set For Canoga Park Barbershops To Remove Brown Paper From Windows, Let Customers In Through Front Door Again And Pretend To Reopen<div class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">By Blythe Moorcroft, <i>Quilt</i> staff</span></div>
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<b>DATELINE: SHERMAN WAY</b></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Despite LA County officials announcing the allowment of the reopenization of some retail shops as soon as Friday, barbers across Canoga Park are frustrated by the lack of an official date to act like they’re suddenly reopening.</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“We’d love to pull that paper off our windows and be able to stop whispering in case anyone’s walking by,” says DeShawn Gillard of Trimz, Clipz ‘n’ Cutz Barberz on Sherman Way. “And by that I mean, of course we’ve been closed. I myself have been, uh, at home, taking a Master Class on acting taught by, oh, Dame Helen Mirren to pass the time, let’s say. I most certainly have <i>not</i> been here every day unlocking the door for customers who knock three times, then two times, then three times again, 10 am to 6 pm. </span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“Again, that’s three times, <i>then</i> two, then three.”</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Sign in a window of one of the thousands of barber shops located throughout Canoga Park that have<br />
been closed since March due to COVID-19 and patiently await the go-ahead to reopen. <i>Staff photo.</i></td></tr>
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Bernice Solverson of Canoga Park’s Chamber of Commerce, says that with nine out of every ten businesses in Canoga Park operating as a barber shop, and entire blocks of Sherman Way storefronts being comprised of nothing <i>but</i> barber shops, “the barber shop industry is as important economically to 21st century Canoga Park as the aerospace industry was to 1960s Canoga Park.” <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">She estimates that of the nearly 43,000 people living in Canoga Park, over 38,000 of them own local barbershops or make their living as barbers, or in a barber-<i>adjacent</i> field, such as hair-sweeping, organizing racks of old magazines, or more recently, taping large pieces of brown kraft paper to store windows. “We need to let these people pretend to get back to work!” says Solverson.</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Ernesto Almazan of Homiez ‘n’ Thugz Haircutterz agrees, “Man, this last month and a half has been a pain in the ass— getting the word out, answering the phone in code, deciding if they’re cool, and making sure they come in through the back! <i>Sheesh!</i></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“...<i>Eh</i>, that is to say, we’ve all been closed, sitting at home bingeing, <i>oh</i>, ‘Tiger King’ or some shit.”</span></div>
Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-48686713565644295392020-04-14T10:38:00.000-07:002020-05-02T15:06:28.925-07:00Once Rowdy ‘Dystopian Toilet,’ Much of Canoga Park Reverts To ‘Pleasant Middle-Class Neighborhood’ Due To Pandemic Lockdown, Say Locals<div class="p1" style="color: #444444; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">By Sherman Farralone, <i>Quilt</i> staff</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;">DATELINE: OLD TOWN CANOGA PARK</span></b></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b>Residents throughout the Old Town region of Canoga Park say they’re astonished by the change that the shelter-in-place order has had on their once-raucous community.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;">“It’s as though I'm suddenly living in a completely different neighborhood,” Ted Pasternak, a furloughed pool filter assembler says. “—namely the <i>good</i> part of the West Valley—if the people living in the <i>good</i> part of the West Valley dumped mattresses, old tires and broken furniture at the curbs in front of their own property.”</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;">With residents forced to stay at home, the normally cacophonous neighborhood — known for its wall-to-wall noise on weekends due to block after block of competing parties with loud, amplified live music, the sources of which somehow elude even the most clever LAPD officers — has been “as peaceful and quiet as the much-nicer, south-of-Ventura-Boulevard part of Woodland Hills, where I lie and tell co-workers that I live,” notes Alisha Pfeiffer-Gonzalez, a furloughed dental hygienist and Valerio Street resident.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;">Others echo her sentiments.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;">“It’s like I’ve been magically transported back in time to the pleasant, middle-class neighborhood that used to exist on this very spot just a few years ago,” says furloughed retiree Howard Villafuerte, “and not the dystopian toilet this area has become since then. I’m living in a frickin’ Jack Finney story and I don’t want it to end!”</span></span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Once-bustling Sherman Way has become "so quiet you could hear a bowling pin rolling down the middle<br />of the road," says one resident, who was evidently trying to convey something or other. <i>Staff photo.</i></span></td></tr>
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<span style="color: #444444; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;">Experts, however, warn that the serenity won’t last forever. </span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;">“Enjoy it while you can,” advises Dr. Morris Detzer, a professor (furloughed) of cultural anthropology at Pierce College Winnetka. “Because the <i>second</i> this order is lifted: Get ready for three solid months of New Year’s Eve-level house parties, if New Year's Eve fell on the same night as the International Mariachi Competition finals and they were held in the 9th Circle of Hell using speakers that the Who rejected in 1976 for being too loud.</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: medium;">"That said, yes, it's going to suck. But on the plus side? The return of unlicensed vendors selling cheap, delicious sidewalk tacos!"</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Correction: </b>Unlicensed vendors selling cheap, delicious sidewalk tacos never went away. <i>We regret the error.</i></span></div>
Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-11151863144927773762020-03-24T09:53:00.000-07:002020-03-27T11:41:20.208-07:00Protective Gloves Outnumber Condoms Among Filthy Latex Discarded On West Valley Sidewalks and Parking Lots<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;">By Nita Keswick, <i>Quilt</i> staff</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><b>DATELINE: RALPHS SHOPPING CENTER</b></span><br />
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">The familiar sight of the used condom — a ubiquitous presence on sidewalks, high school courtyards, parking lots and other public places in the West San Fernando Valley — has suddenly taken a back seat to disposable gloves, which now surpass the prophylactic sheath by a ratio of more than twenty to one, according to data compiled by the Canoga Park Department of Latex, which tracks such trends.</span></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc81wV8uY7vFpHH6AGTPlbC9_awWe4IU6cV7j8CflykvHHbw1onCbB0IdyG7nRikWr1A593mjy2h7oCzZmTtJEX4fxjzLgnnOBnxAmEtDvaMmHk4ulp0Y9Wz43g_CzItKYEt_lsxiZSjc/s1600/gloves.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="320" data-original-width="485" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc81wV8uY7vFpHH6AGTPlbC9_awWe4IU6cV7j8CflykvHHbw1onCbB0IdyG7nRikWr1A593mjy2h7oCzZmTtJEX4fxjzLgnnOBnxAmEtDvaMmHk4ulp0Y9Wz43g_CzItKYEt_lsxiZSjc/s1600/gloves.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Toodle-loo, Trojans; Later, LifeStyles:</b> Discarded latex gloves, <i>not</i> used condoms, are what's trending</span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">now on the fashionable sidewalks, parking lots and public thoroughfares of Canoga Park. <i>Staff photos.</i></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">“Used to be you couldn’t walk ten feet without squishing a used [condom],” says Reseda resident Lupe Darula as she transferred 12-packs of Angel Soft two-ply from her shopping cart into her car outside Ralphs on Sherman Way. “These days, it’s those gloves. They’re everywhere. </span><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="font-family: inherit;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I guess because of this coronavirus thing, people just aren’t having sex in parking lots anymore.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">“It's sad, really. I don't know if we'll <i>ever</i> get back to the way things were,</span>”<span style="font-family: inherit;"> she wondered aloud as she peeled off her own gloves, dropping one on the cart's flip-up child seat, and shooting the other across the parking lot. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">“Ooh, look — I got some good distance with that one.</span>”</div>
Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-39910086323646769302020-03-21T19:45:00.000-07:002020-03-21T19:45:08.008-07:00LA River Runs Clear For First Time In Centuries As Coronavirus Lockdown Decreases Shopping Cart Traffic, Feces<div class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(34, 34, 34); color: #222222; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-small;">By Ingomar Schoenborn, <i>Quilt</i> staff</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">DATELINE: THE LOS ANGELES RIVER</span></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 15.4px;">They say every virus has a silver membrane and COVID-19 — or “Chinaman’s Complaint,” as the White House has dubbed it — is no different.</span><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 15.4px;"> </span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 15.4px;">Canoga Park’s expanse of the Los Angeles River is flowing crystal clear once again, due to the lack of shopping cart traffic and human effluvia, or </span><i style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; font-size: 15.4px;">huffluvia</i><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 15.4px;">, in the picturesque concrete sluice since Eric Garcetti, a mayor with the City of Los Angeles, issued his recent mandatory “Aw, Gosh, We Sure Love Ya — So Stay At Home, Huh, Angelenos?” order.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">Free of shopping carts and human waste, the LA River's waters run clear and pure. <i>Staff photo.</i></span></td></tr>
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<span class="s1" style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 15.4px;">The edict has had a “trickle-down” effect that benefited the river almost immediately, notes Donald Culross, head of the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council’s Neighborhood Beautifization Committee. “With everyone stuck at home, no one’s calling in complaints about homeless people living on sidewalks and around freeway off ramps,<span style="font-size: 15.4px;">” </span>explains Culross. </span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 15.4px;">“</span><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 15.4px;">So the housing-deficient are free to stay </span><i style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; font-size: 15.4px;">there</i><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 15.4px;"> rather than be forced to move to the largely unpatrolled LA River, its sheltered underpasses and its ‘Greenway’ biking, walking and dog-shitting paths, which they traditionally befoul with stolen shopping carts and excrement. ...Mostly excrement.”</span><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 15.4px;"></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The change has brought “back the crystal blue waters of ancient times, those of the pre-homeless epidemic,” according to Culross. “There was even reports of a dolphin frolicking upstream towards the DeSoto Avenue Overpass.”</span></span></div>
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<b style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif;">Correction:</b><span style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif;"> What was described as a frolicking dolphin was in fact a waterlogged possum clinging to an empty 2-liter Jarritos tamarind soda bottle, and headed </span><i style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif;">downstream</i><span style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif;">. </span><span style="font-family: times, "times new roman", serif; font-size: x-small;">We regret the error.</span></div>
Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-67085004042422730852020-03-17T13:39:00.000-07:002020-03-17T14:05:11.544-07:00Canoga Park Man Credits Girl Scouts For COVID-19 Preparedness<div class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">By Blythe Moorcroft, <i>Quilt</i> staff</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>DATELINE: VASSAR AVENUE</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">A Canoga Park man says he’s grateful to the Girl Scouts for helping him prepare for the COVID-19 outbreak.</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Teodor “Ted” Pasternak says he has West Valley troops to thank for all the extra groceries and supplies he stockpiled weeks ago that are now getting him through the current self-quaranisolation.</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“The <i>second</i> I started seeing posts on Facebook and Nextdoor about ‘Girl Scout Cookie Season’<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>in late January, I ran out and bought everything I needed for the next three months — twelve cases of Spaghettios, eight cases of vodka, one package of toilet paper, everything a single guy could ever need.” says the recently unemployed pool filter assembler.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>“That way I didn’t have to go back to grocery stores during the epidemic — the epidemic of <i>pushy little girls</i> harassing and hassling me once they set up their folding tables outside the front doors of these places, that is!”</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Clockwise from top right:</b> Off-brand cookies, random little girl, nourishing Spaghettios, Pasternak.</td></tr>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“Every year, there they are, ready to pounce, when you’re going in and when when you’re coming back out, with the <i>‘Would you like to buy some Girl Scout cookies?’"</i> Pasternak sneers.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> "</span>It’s like walking a frickin’ gauntlet. Look, those cookies aren’t cheap and every year the boxes gets smaller.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i>Five dollars?! </i>Get outta here!”</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Ironically, one thing the wonderfully misanthropic Pasternak did <i>not</i> stock up on was cookies. </span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“And I could really go for some of those peanut butter cookies now. Not the ‘sandwich’ ones. Those are garbage. No, the patties — the <i>good</i> ones,” he says. “Dollar Tree sells the exact same cookies for a buck, thank God. I may be intimidated by a bunch of eight-year-old girls, but I'm no fool — I’ll take my chances against the virus for a package of <i>those</i> things! Hand me that face mask! I’m headin’ out!”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-42395015194087488582020-03-03T11:44:00.000-08:002020-03-03T11:44:52.970-08:00Canogavirus Reported In West SFV Thrift Store<div class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Arial; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">
<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">By Burton Cantara, <i>Quilt</i> staff</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>DATELINE: SHERMAN WAY<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></b></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The highly contagious Canogavirus has been confirmed in the West San Fernando Valley, announced the Canoga Park Department of Public Hysteria on Tuesday morning.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“What we’re seeing here is unprecedented,” announced Dr. Morris Detzer, chief fear-mongerer and head of peppydemiology, the study of particularly <i>perky</i> germs, for the Canoga Park Department of Healthiness. “Rather than our first case where someone has become infected with the disease itself, we have discovered an actual Canogavirus viral structure, many hundreds of thousand times the size of an average such <i>canogaparkus coughus coughus</i> virus.”</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Most viruses, including the Canogavirus, are scientifically classified as described as teeny-tiny, or <i>extremely small</i>, cannot be seen by the naked eye and are only visible with the aid of a microscope, or <i>thing-look-biggerer.</i></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Detail of the fun, playful and potentially deadly Canogavirus. <i><b>Source photo: </b>Damian Yerrick.</i></td></tr>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“But this thing — Jesus, this thing’s the size of a frickin’ grapefruit — and it was bouncing around like it was doing the popcorn part of the Banana Dance song my granddaughter watches constantly on YouTube.” he added. “I don’t know if this is an isolated aberration or if the virus is evolving; nor can I say definitively if its enormous size and acute peppiness makes it more virulent or less so, but I’m just going to go ahead and say we’re doomed, <i>we’re all doomed!”</i></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The discovery was made in the St. Hissy of Marsupia Feral Possum Rescue Mission thrift store on Sherman Way in Canoga Park. A four year-old child found the colorful virus while playing in the ‘Kidz Korner’ after he pulled all the toys off the shelves, made a big mess of things and left everything all over the floor while his mother, across the store, scoured the lady’s section for high-end designer clothes to re-sell on Poshmark.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“I never find <i>shit</i> here in the West Valley, and this thrift store was no different,” said the woman who would not give her name. “The [thrift store] employees were rude and said I should keep an eye on my child and clean up the so-called ‘mess’ he made. Yeah: <i>no</i>. Um, I don’t work here...?”</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The mother and child had recently returned from a trip to Reseda, where they made a tour of the thrift stores there. It remains unclear how many people had been exposed to their terrible behavior.</span></div>
Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-83511307127215610722019-11-15T19:46:00.000-08:002019-11-15T19:49:28.789-08:00What's Doing In Canoga Park — November 16 & 17<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">A Semi-Occasional Weekly Round-Up </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">of Notable Canoga Park-Area Events,</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">For the Weekend of November 16 and 17</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">EAT!</span></b></div>
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<span class="s1">Two classic Beef ‘n Cheddar sandwiches for $5.50 will make Date Night at Arby's a romantic evening to remember, keeping costs south of that all-important six-dollar mark. (Water cups and Horsey sauce are complimentary.) Check your mailbox for the flyer featuring this and other coupons. Eh, better check it <i>now</i> before that organized network of mail thieves make their rounds — <i>they</i> gotta eat, too!<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i><b>Arby’s, 7011 Topanga Canyon Blvd, Canoga Park. Open Daily.</b></i></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">DRINK!</span></b></div>
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<span class="s1">Pick up this sublime libation — inspired by a cocktail the host of <i>What’s My Line? </i>sipped when particularly vexed by Bennett Cerf's nit-picky questions — from your local 99¢ Only store for $1.99 and get your muthaf___in’ <i>drank</i> on! Generous 8% alcohol content means you just need one four-pack to get good and 'faced — and at only $1.99, you’ve got plenty of scratch left over for whatever you need to handle that vicious cheapshit-alcohol hangover you’ll be waking up with the next day.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i><b>99¢ Only Store, 20914 Sherman Way, Canoga Pk. Open 8am to 9pm.</b></i></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b><i>Editor's Pick! </i></b>The owners of Canoga Park’s hottest anything-goes nightclub, <i>Avalerio</i> have graciously allowed the few remaining members of The Canoga Park First Wednesday of the Month Women’s Club to host their annual “Holiday Boutique & Osteoporosis Testing Clinic” this Saturday on their club's dance floor. Plenty of festively fun gifts to choose from, many made with yarn and glitter. Delicious baked goods, too, somehow <i>also</i> containing yarn and glitter.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i><b>Avalerio Nightclub, 21813 Valerio St., Canoga Park. Saturday, 10-3.</b></i></span></div>
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<span class="s1">Get your steps in and work those calves with curb step-ups and curb step-downs as you head <i>off</i> the sidewalk and <i>into</i> the street and then back onto the sidewalk again and again and <i>again</i> to negotiate around dog feces, human feces, discarded mattresses, passed out individuals, passed out individuals on discarded mattresses, broken appliances, entire apartment's worth of furnishings (see above), homeless encampments, pop-up pupuserias and much, much more, as you take in the sights, sounds and smells of lively Variel Avenue, Canoga Park's very own 'Main Street, USA!'<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><i><b>Variel Avenue north of Sherman Way, open 24 hours, with a brisker pace suggested between the hours of 5pm to 9am.</b></i></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">RELAX!</span></b></div>
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<span class="s1">Forget Netflix! The hell with Hulu!<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>And Disney+ can take a magical flying leap! Your Canoga Park Nextdoor feed features much more compelling content in the form of Ring videos of local crimes being committed.<i> Whoops, there go those boots Elaine up the street bought on Poshmark that she told me about!...Ooh, there's a fellow with, why, that looks like Jim-across-the-street's $1,200 mountain bike!...Hey, this sassy lassie's taking off with Mertyl's diabetes medicine — hope she can use it!</i>...<i>And here's a nude, erratic homeless gent angrily rattling someone's doorknob — well, that's what security doors are for!</i> Tons of footage featuring new and binge-worthy suspicious activity added daily.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>And did we mention it’s free? <b><i><span style="color: blue;"><u>Nextdoor.com/CanogaPark/search:ring_videos/</u></span></i></b></span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Correction: </b>John Daly is a golfer, and his canned 'Hard Tea' drink is delicious. John <i>Charles</i> Daly hosted "What's My Line?" and likely drank nothing during the filming of the show, but if he did, it was probably Dorothy Kilgallen, not Bennett, who drove him to do so. <i>We regret the error.</i></span></div>
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</style>Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-16811812472335844252019-11-02T08:31:00.000-07:002019-11-02T08:31:51.486-07:00LA Fitness Chatsworth Location Really, Really, REALLY Closing for Renovation This Time, Seriously<span class="s1" style="font-size: x-small;">By Blythe Moorcraft, <i>Quilt</i> staff</span>
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<span class="s1"><b>DATELINE: DE SOTO AVENUE</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1">LA Fitness’ Chatsworth location is <i>really</i> closing for renovations this time, seriously, says corporate spokestrainer Shepherd Wolfe.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>“Listen, we’re seriously closing on Sunday, I swear. We’re not kidding this time. If you think we’re kidding, well, we’re not. I promise," insists Wolfe. "‘Cause after Sunday, you’ll have to go work out somewhere else until June nineteenth of next year, when we’ll reopen.”</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Industry experts predict that given LA Fitness’s track record for keeping to a renovation timetable, the updated gym — if it actually <i>does</i> close on Sunday — should be back open for business sometime in August of 2037.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">The Chatsworth fitness center, popular with cranky retirees, reprobates, people with poor hygiene who don't wipe down machines, and the socially awkward — at least according to Yelp Reviews — previously threatened to close for renovations in 2018, 2016, 2015, 2013, 2012, and 2009. Each time, mitigating circumstances prevented much ballyhooed planned upgrades from moving forward at the last minute, much to the chagrin of members who joined the gym in 2009, 2012, 2013, 2015, 2016 and 2018 specifically on the <i>promise</i> of impending upgrades.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">“No, this time, we’re serious. Really,” notes on-site facility manager Susan Elliott.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>“Frankly, at this point, we have no choice. Members have been looting the weight room of all the Iron Grip 25-, 35-, and 45-pound plates for the past month and a half. There’s practically nothing left in there."</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: #444444;">Related - </span></b> <span style="color: blue;"><u>Editorial: </u></span><span style="color: blue;"><u>Maybe if LA Fitness Actually Enforced Their Fucking Rule About No Fucking Gym Bags In Workout Areas, Thieving Douchebags Wouldn’t Be Stealing All Their Fucking Equipment</u></span></span><br />
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Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-64908199153410893872019-10-10T08:28:00.000-07:002019-10-10T09:25:30.927-07:00Homeless Woman Singing In Storm Drain Goes Viral, Captivates Canoga Park<span style="font-size: xx-small;">By Ingomar Schoenborn, <i>Quilt</i> staff</span>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiROYTpD7_ackKVsKMfF8X91nWId0MZPkbxrsva0iVXbHzOpXNw7Iwb46wAiRonz6vTNeFD8sh4r4RDUiUPfdER0a6PvPeIDfEkyW74tLSSPVRCCb5TKvUiYFK7wXQ7vzpo72CEZ9ehr-A/s1600/nordhoff200.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="57" data-original-width="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiROYTpD7_ackKVsKMfF8X91nWId0MZPkbxrsva0iVXbHzOpXNw7Iwb46wAiRonz6vTNeFD8sh4r4RDUiUPfdER0a6PvPeIDfEkyW74tLSSPVRCCb5TKvUiYFK7wXQ7vzpo72CEZ9ehr-A/s1600/nordhoff200.jpg" /></a><br />
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<b style="-webkit-text-stroke: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px;">DATELINE: NORDHOF</b><b><span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: 12px;">F</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica"; font-size: 12px;"> STREET</span></b><br />
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">A homeless woman living in a storm drain near the corner of Nordhoff and DeSoto, in Canoga Park’s bustling NordSoto neighborhood has captured the hearts of all who have experienced her melodious tones wafting up through the grate, over the Drains to Ocean emblem, and into their earholes.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">“I can’t believe a voice so beautiful is coming from somebody living in the sewer. They need to give her a recording contract,” said<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Ted Pasternak, an assembler at a local pool filter company, who paused to listen on his way to Subway to get lunch. “Of course, on the other hand, we pull her out of there, suddenly someone’s got to find her a place to live and no one knows where to put these people anymore.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">“Well, she sure sounds happy down there, anyway,” he added before heading off to get his footlong Italian BMT on 9-grain honey oat with extra banana peppers.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Underground Music:</b> Passersby have been delighted by the remarkable melodies emanating<br />
from a storm drain near the corner of Nordhoff and Desoto in Canoga Park's industrial quarter.</td></tr>
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<span class="s1">Others echoed his sentiment as they listened to the mystery woman sing something that many described as an operatic aria:</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><i>Bimbo squalo, doo doo doo doo, nonno squalo, doo doo doo doo, andiamo a caccia, finalmente al securo...</i></span></div>
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<span class="s1">“It’s beautiful. Haunting, really. And to think it’s coming from down there,” said Bernice Knudsen, on her lunch break at an insurance claims office. “This is the feel-good story of my daily walk over to Starbucks.”</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Darula: Anxious for lunch.</td></tr>
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Added metal fabricator Budek "Bud" Darula,<br />
heading back to work carrying a bag from<br />
Yoshinoya, “That singing! It's just amazing.<br />
If there’s a Go Fund Me that I can throw a<br />
nominal amount of money at so I feel like<br />
I’m doing something good without getting<br />
further involved, I’m all for it.<br />
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<span class="s1"> "But right now I gots to gets back to the shop</span><br />
<span class="s1"> before this here beef bowl gets cold!”</span></div>
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Industry experts estimate the subterranean chanteuse could have a lucrative three-or-four week career making inspiring, tearjerking appearances on various talk shows, competing on reality competitions and providing a cappella music for Ellen to dance to — once someone from the Department of Public Works gets over there with one of those manhole cover lifters and she’s brought topside, hosed down and given a fresh set of duds.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>“Then the sky’s the limit!” predicts Ari Vaskigorgian of Peppy Talent Representation & Day Laborer Procurement on Saticoy.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>“At least for about a month until we all move on to something else.”<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyF6ba5WQeUs6WnqwDvA4ZVTQcb2IlhCuqnPE8EW7TOs6M3hqINOInrwNmh1KWT9_eoAlQfNA-1mk5WADTu-yGHFIiPF3Mj6N0kw-5a6zSEptfSNbkJc5kC_udDRHbtHLqxSUfyNrpWvw/s1600/babysh7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="473" data-original-width="629" height="150" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyF6ba5WQeUs6WnqwDvA4ZVTQcb2IlhCuqnPE8EW7TOs6M3hqINOInrwNmh1KWT9_eoAlQfNA-1mk5WADTu-yGHFIiPF3Mj6N0kw-5a6zSEptfSNbkJc5kC_udDRHbtHLqxSUfyNrpWvw/s200/babysh7.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
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<span class="s1"><b><span style="color: #444444;">Correction:</span></b> Turns out there was no homeless woman in the sewer but a musical, multilingual Baby Shark toy that likely was flung out a backseat car window by a fussy toddler, landed in the storm drain, somehow became shorted out from the water and got switched onto the Italian language version of the popular song</span><span class="s1">. </span></div>
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<span class="s1"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"> We regret the error</span>.</i></span></div>
Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-86855547884724257602019-05-27T13:30:00.000-07:002019-05-27T18:19:19.320-07:00Barebones, Perfunctory Coverage of 30th Annual Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade!<span style="font-size: x-small;">By <i>Quilt</i> Staff</span><br />
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<b>DATELINE: CELEBRATING THE REMEMBRANCE OF THOSE WE MEMORIALIZE</b><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB1ZzCFKbd3bpQegVaBxpuLC4IDdjBLMgUPgig1HgktXPP-90wt2PRefC8a6n1lgGbvw2QMMqaYc7fAR3B0EMLA_fDYy7AmmbY0W7iBk-FSj1FBOd47yXpqNbwb6cCZq06NSmCAikdXYQ/s1600/banner7.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="221" data-original-width="490" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB1ZzCFKbd3bpQegVaBxpuLC4IDdjBLMgUPgig1HgktXPP-90wt2PRefC8a6n1lgGbvw2QMMqaYc7fAR3B0EMLA_fDYy7AmmbY0W7iBk-FSj1FBOd47yXpqNbwb6cCZq06NSmCAikdXYQ/s1600/banner7.jpg" /></a></div>
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It was the event three decades in the making. Well, if you go by parades and and not armed conflicts represented (in which case we should start counting from our entrance into World War II). <span style="font-size: x-small;">But then since this <i>is</i> Memorial Day, perhaps it might be better if we started counting from the first celebration of such (1868) making this an event over <i>a century and a half</i> in the making. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;">But what of those we lost during the American Revolution? Should we really forget <i>them</i> on Memorial Day? </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">.</span>..It was the event <b><i>244</i></b> years in the making. And the weather couldn't have been more temperate, mild and/or agreeable. Thank God, right? The last six years of this, we've all been roasting out there. And Canoga Park crowds are <i>not</i> known for their delicate bouquet — <i>especially</i> in hot weather! When was the last time those armpits of <i>yours</i> saw a bar of Zote or a stick of deodorant? <i>Or</i> a stick of Winterfresh gum for that matter? <i>Awright </i>then<i>.</i><br />
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And so the 30th Annual Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade made its way down Sherman Way this morning as thousands of people lined the streets.<br />
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Thankfully, these homeless folks were temporarily relocated, the sidewalks quickly steam-cleaned, and <i>legitimate</i> parade-watchers quickly took their place.<br />
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But enough of all this folderol! You came here for the pictures! For the pictures taken with a piece-of-crap phone because our photographer forgot to charge the battery pack for his — <i>ooh-la-la!</i> — expensive, <i>professional</i> camera last night!<br />
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On with the show! <span style="font-size: x-small;">Oh, and be sure to check us out on the, whaddayacall, <a href="https://www.facebook.com/CanogaParkQuilt/" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, for more, <i>better</i> coverage!</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQjLHls4vioaKWOtf750UtApjZ5hAm9YI9fAG7D1HNrnoHdN1Hw2IeRRTwNUP-2yE_BirZtmrqlpk8k6onuIWCe1gD8pDfBWDWsTwSsvUWKnuPhcL9-t9mGox5pdS8yjije0lhPpshCmU/s1600/ww2+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="319" data-original-width="490" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQjLHls4vioaKWOtf750UtApjZ5hAm9YI9fAG7D1HNrnoHdN1Hw2IeRRTwNUP-2yE_BirZtmrqlpk8k6onuIWCe1gD8pDfBWDWsTwSsvUWKnuPhcL9-t9mGox5pdS8yjije0lhPpshCmU/s1600/ww2+copy.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A World War II veteran!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaSM8KpCOJqTyAnyuMhT6FkiCWagVj-4GFd8cQytjt4Y1VROvgxP-arz9N4InnG02_E1uu245ldq7LiMqCff9kgeTdQZ-PdkAu59kjNNvfeGMrKvArOrz6tFME4NpgcHJq6wQg0ymOF88/s1600/korea+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="303" data-original-width="490" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiaSM8KpCOJqTyAnyuMhT6FkiCWagVj-4GFd8cQytjt4Y1VROvgxP-arz9N4InnG02_E1uu245ldq7LiMqCff9kgeTdQZ-PdkAu59kjNNvfeGMrKvArOrz6tFME4NpgcHJq6wQg0ymOF88/s1600/korea+copy.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A veteran of the Korean War — or "military conflict" if you're <i>Hollywood peacenik</i> Alan Alda!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1xg30W5LkkrXlAlMkaZ4Jld9Fmyf_VM_VP_Iy2-DFTaZF4XvJULOWflOwetItRIvc6o9p3dsbwytZdxMTh287E9HwJ9mSK6FWR72X6Lw2bPEDy01OMwlewHgYmJWmyisyi3pZsMuG-kA/s1600/vietnam+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="284" data-original-width="490" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1xg30W5LkkrXlAlMkaZ4Jld9Fmyf_VM_VP_Iy2-DFTaZF4XvJULOWflOwetItRIvc6o9p3dsbwytZdxMTh287E9HwJ9mSK6FWR72X6Lw2bPEDy01OMwlewHgYmJWmyisyi3pZsMuG-kA/s1600/vietnam+copy.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Vietnam vet!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFTcKgP7naKHdNxZwvnG07Rrgl1_wvZ836ohfLrzGHU_N1LHgnDsritxq6nUwrNJ9_5hxtNQa6s1RVVFSUghiN6jhYgXZ-CxM95MxfDMnQoOSq0NKLX2V5I51sxB-brEoaSDhKvHkoSVA/s1600/coldwar+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="276" data-original-width="490" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFTcKgP7naKHdNxZwvnG07Rrgl1_wvZ836ohfLrzGHU_N1LHgnDsritxq6nUwrNJ9_5hxtNQa6s1RVVFSUghiN6jhYgXZ-CxM95MxfDMnQoOSq0NKLX2V5I51sxB-brEoaSDhKvHkoSVA/s1600/coldwar+copy.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A veteran from the Cold War era!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhurC4B9k3HBffFkCUBSAsLJdS8ACVLrch1_4zd51xOl0zKE_HtHiMSB8mJrvvjhNNevwGz9ZV4TsJUnoUPIIMOh4Y5baGCUyzwKfJ5HiMA2qt7QMc3cMwFig_ejb4R1EaxANKUHCPbLEo/s1600/oif+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="269" data-original-width="490" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhurC4B9k3HBffFkCUBSAsLJdS8ACVLrch1_4zd51xOl0zKE_HtHiMSB8mJrvvjhNNevwGz9ZV4TsJUnoUPIIMOh4Y5baGCUyzwKfJ5HiMA2qt7QMc3cMwFig_ejb4R1EaxANKUHCPbLEo/s1600/oif+copy.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Veterans from Operation Iraqi Freedom and another such Operation!<br />
Forgive us, but our stupid research department can't figure out what OED stands for.<br />
Rest assured they've been courtmartialed and have lost breakroom privileges.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD9cXXZg8N7ZrvNOyTIa29Njq0eBBbJvEiDSiamhl19f5jfZdJkBjC0Nl_rM-DC2Q6_8a5O5aPe7-3Pmkh7zDrZUvsIuyu47N9qhYCDTcCds3bVfxUM7IDViRgQwK29Qj6_ZQCbz-LoEE/s1600/dsds+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="286" data-original-width="490" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD9cXXZg8N7ZrvNOyTIa29Njq0eBBbJvEiDSiamhl19f5jfZdJkBjC0Nl_rM-DC2Q6_8a5O5aPe7-3Pmkh7zDrZUvsIuyu47N9qhYCDTcCds3bVfxUM7IDViRgQwK29Qj6_ZQCbz-LoEE/s1600/dsds+copy.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Here we've got some Desert Strike / Desert Storm vets!</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrOSoousM8N40kto8NapoSNSh8AyKCjiGMWmXxU9T9aAySeYykO5iraCX9uYvfrVq9b_7J-ieMIEDYjM9bN3VovppsdzgLL_pJXuSMGxRAeADwRoXGkLCCrBLxO4yEcNW1KH9i6O_wV-8/s1600/woverw+copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="306" data-original-width="490" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrOSoousM8N40kto8NapoSNSh8AyKCjiGMWmXxU9T9aAySeYykO5iraCX9uYvfrVq9b_7J-ieMIEDYjM9bN3VovppsdzgLL_pJXuSMGxRAeADwRoXGkLCCrBLxO4yEcNW1KH9i6O_wV-8/s1600/woverw+copy.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And last but not least, the gents from Wings Over Wendys!</td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="font-size: large;">Thank you, one and all, for your service!</span></span><br />
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Also, thanks to those who followed along behind the vaqueros and cleaned up all the horse shit along Sherman Way.
You folks really are the <i>unsung</i> heroes of the day!
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<span style="color: blue; font-size: x-large;"><b><i>Happy Memorial Day!</i></b></span></div>
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Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-31600906852837003372019-01-17T18:30:00.000-08:002019-01-18T03:13:44.052-08:00Canoga Park Resident Hopes For Quick End To Teachers’ Strike<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: x-small;">By Blythe Moorcraft, <i>Quilt</i> staff</span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">DATELINE: VASSAR AVENUE</span></b><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJE-Ie2LBcgFhkZGs7ZF1Wwf0uC0c9QRfyQiS7A7nYEsIl89Ap7QirPsmhVMOIYyzAkuUtc8WmCZ29-7qSzQx0UGNukL5VFLTWTyTNqO20E2Fx6gzA5Hj57xP3pcm35Lu3v4gaW6oGRmY/s1600/cpefence2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="256" data-original-width="485" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJE-Ie2LBcgFhkZGs7ZF1Wwf0uC0c9QRfyQiS7A7nYEsIl89Ap7QirPsmhVMOIYyzAkuUtc8WmCZ29-7qSzQx0UGNukL5VFLTWTyTNqO20E2Fx6gzA5Hj57xP3pcm35Lu3v4gaW6oGRmY/s1600/cpefence2.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: right;"><i>Staff photo.</i></td></tr>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Canoga Park resident Teódor </span></span>“<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ted</span>”<span style="font-family: inherit;"> Pasternak has a message for the LAUSD Board of Education: “Give these teachers what they want!”</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">Pasternak — an assembler at a local pool filter manufacturer who has no children of his own but if he did, they’d go to private schools — may seem like an unlikely ally for Los Angeles school teachers who have been on strike since Monday, demanding reductions in pay, a 6.5 percent increase in standardized testing, more class sizes and smaller nurses.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhVFYyN_KyN6LsEP2KXsXEdIUR81pxQyHrwumA7KTP-i_o1Q0y6hf1ibl0QPC94RNNLKxThup6jOhpWLOTgnpwBExwgfcZbckPGCS6JPvf7OIdixCYRWxSeLeSjWm0PW_C2pkMHNFTGPg/s1600/pasternak.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="139" data-original-width="118" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhVFYyN_KyN6LsEP2KXsXEdIUR81pxQyHrwumA7KTP-i_o1Q0y6hf1ibl0QPC94RNNLKxThup6jOhpWLOTgnpwBExwgfcZbckPGCS6JPvf7OIdixCYRWxSeLeSjWm0PW_C2pkMHNFTGPg/s1600/pasternak.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Pasternak. <i>File photo.</i></td></tr>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">But he’s thrown his support firmly behind the picketing educators, or <i>pickucators</i>, hoping for a quick end to what has become a contentious strike.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span class="s1"></span></span><br />
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">“I live across the street from Canoga Park Elementary,” explains Pasternak. “I’ve been home the last few days, sick with a cold, trying to get some goddamn rest.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><span class="s1"></span><br /></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">“And every morning, those assholes are out there with a bullhorn chanting God-knows-what, I can’t even make it out. At seven-fucking-thirty in the morning!</span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">“Christ almighty, give them whatever the fuck they want so I can get some goddamn sleep!</span><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">”</span></span></div>
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</style>Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-87181981598538949352018-12-21T12:41:00.003-08:002018-12-21T12:57:41.128-08:00LA’s HOUSING CRISIS Body of Gingerbread Man Found In Over-Crowded, Illegally-Converted Cookie Garage<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span class="s1"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">By Jingle McSprinkles, special to the <i>Quilt.</i></span></span>
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<span class="s1"><b>DATELINE: GUMDROP LANE</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1">Authorities with the Los Angeles Department of Holiday Baking, responding to potential zoning violations at a Canoga Park residence, uncovered tragedy when they discovered a body, broken into several pieces, among a baker’s dozen of gingerbread men living in cramped, crumby conditions in an illegally converted garage made of substandard graham crackers behind the main gingerbread house.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8rsB6XzzJ7oU2fwE0NEFMhsa5h1MYvVezA6gwBnneDKFzu7W4YNitc3c6ZSVe9rQvyZiUAd9arB8LdworIyDsgW1G63OslvPv4ihCr53woog0mtTRETKZ_-dkfS7vAwsnCzJBPEDBap0/s1600/gingercorpse.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="291" data-original-width="485" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8rsB6XzzJ7oU2fwE0NEFMhsa5h1MYvVezA6gwBnneDKFzu7W4YNitc3c6ZSVe9rQvyZiUAd9arB8LdworIyDsgW1G63OslvPv4ihCr53woog0mtTRETKZ_-dkfS7vAwsnCzJBPEDBap0/s1600/gingercorpse.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Warning—Delicious Content:</b> The body of a broken gingerbread man found in Canoga Park. <i><b>Photo</b>: LAPD.</i></td></tr>
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<span class="s1">“I can confirm that we do have a fatality,” says department spokesperson Roxanna Panettone. “However, this is an ongoing investigation so I can’t say anything more. Except <i>Merry Christmas!”</i></span></div>
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<span class="s1">Neighbors say they’ve been complaining to various city entities including the LAPD since the problems — including noise, the smell of rancid nutmeg, and unregistered sleighs blocking neighboring driveways — began shortly after Thanksgiving when the large group moved in. But, according to residents, neither the police nor any municipal agency has responded until now.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1">“It’s been a nightmare,” says Cinnamon Pfeffernusse, who lives next door. “Wassailing at all hours of the night, half-eaten mini-marshmallows tossed over the fence into my yard. The fellow two doors down came out one morning to find one of them trying to break into his little cookie car with a candy cane. </span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Crowded House:</b> The illegally converted garage was home to a tasty baker's dozen of mischievous<br />
little gingerbread men including one who likely crumbled due to overcrowded conditions. <i>Staff photo.</i></td></tr>
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<span class="s1">“And the drugs! Not only are these people dealing confectioner’s sugar — a diabetic OD’d in front of my house last week! — we can smell that they’re cooking caramel in there, too. </span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Forget visions of sugarplums. The only thing dancing in my head at three a.m. is the worry that there’s going to be some massive explosion and the whole block goes up in flames.</span><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> </span></div>
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<span class="s1">“But of course the City of LA only reacts <i>after</i> the problem gets way out of control. And I still doubt they’ll actually <i>do</i> anything.”</span></div>
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<span class="s1">When asked about the situation, Mayor Eric Garcetti said <i>all</i> cookies should be treated with compassion and empathy, lauding both the landlord and his garage residents for their irresponsible resourcefulness before segueing into yet another pitch for his enormously unpopular Gingerbridge Housing for the Homeless initiative.</span></div>
Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-10222367871921040802018-08-10T16:40:00.000-07:002018-08-10T16:40:40.568-07:00Record-Breaking Heatwave During Peak Moving Season Renders Canoga Park Sidewalks Impassable With Deserted Furniture<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-size: xx-small;">By Sherman Farralone, </span><i style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-size: x-small;">Quilt</i><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial; font-size: xx-small;"> staff</span>
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<b>DATELINE: ON THE STREET WHERE YOU LIVE </b></div>
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<span class="s1">The normal summer increase of apartment residents moving from one home to another combined with the proliferation of cheap, disposable home furnishings, a general apathy towards civic pride and perhaps most significantly, the intense heat wave affecting the West Valley area since the beginning of the month has resulted in a ‘perfect storm’ situation, with thousands of pieces of perfectly good, shitty furniture being abandoned along the sidewalks of Canoga Park.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd03BeIv6yf_hxytj7jSEkZ76yOSACqGJq2_TF6_nMF39_D5BiXK2ELE6rczwG1yITqe78EqM5l930XT21B_xD34R-W6O9MNDi9ojPfp5taHMCULIJjoJDlmUTvfNfBzw-6JwAJP0MywA/s1600/junk3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="306" data-original-width="485" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd03BeIv6yf_hxytj7jSEkZ76yOSACqGJq2_TF6_nMF39_D5BiXK2ELE6rczwG1yITqe78EqM5l930XT21B_xD34R-W6O9MNDi9ojPfp5taHMCULIJjoJDlmUTvfNfBzw-6JwAJP0MywA/s1600/junk3.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: right;">A selection of low-cost used home furnishings abandoned on, where was this?, Valerio.<i> Staff photo.</i></td></tr>
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<span class="s1">“We’re seeing an unprecedented uptick in the number of discarded chairs, love seats, headboards and miscellaneous IKEA furnishings lining our curbs and sidewalks,” says Dev Noorvash who tracks furniture migration for the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council. “Canoga Park streets generally have an average of thirty-two old sofas per block. Since August first, that number has climbed to well over seventy-five.”</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: right;"><i> </i>Bed frames, chairs and more left by former residents of...<i>hmm</i>...Valerio Street, probably.<i> Staff photo.</i></td></tr>
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“I was helping my cousin move last week an’ shit...?” says Radek Murta of Blythe Street “And we started early but even by eleven an’ shit, it was so hot that after we got his bed and TV and some boxes of his clothes an’ shit on the truck, we looked at the rest of his furniture and we were like<i> ‘fuck it!’</i> and just left it there.”</div>
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<span class="s1">Similar scenarios played out throughout the West Valley area.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1">“My sister was moving into her own place, right?” explains Nicolas Varga of Remmet Avenue “And our Mom gave her an old couch that I had to pick up at the house in Chatsworth, lug it down the front walk, load on the roof of my car, tie it down and drive it to the new place — then drag it up two flights of stairs. By <i>myself</i>. By the time I get there, it’s 110º and I’m already doing this shit since eight a.m. So I just said <i>‘fuck it!’</i> and left it on the sidewalk. I mean, I’m not jack-assing that thing up a narrow outside staircase with two turns in <i>this</i> weather!”</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj95_QBwFnFEgAvHunuoX36WWsGwjN3p51f72Q4Txp63RSwEcbEddsVvTlxNIrIzrQCEkX8Ezw9Zz5qw81Ijtj7ajsn_QwVI0xwiyNtyhuVYDlMhapjK9GQFedY6wxT-gQ6KMbVLincat4/s1600/junk6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="273" data-original-width="485" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj95_QBwFnFEgAvHunuoX36WWsGwjN3p51f72Q4Txp63RSwEcbEddsVvTlxNIrIzrQCEkX8Ezw9Zz5qw81Ijtj7ajsn_QwVI0xwiyNtyhuVYDlMhapjK9GQFedY6wxT-gQ6KMbVLincat4/s1600/junk6.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: right;">An apartment's worth of furniture sits roadside, well, if not <i>on</i> Valerio, then likely nearby.<i> Staff photo.</i></td></tr>
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Across town, Nadia Nogueira says a friend from work promised to help her move but never showed up. “So me and my boyfriend ended up moving a lot of my [belongings] ourselves. But there was just too much stuff, it was too heavy and it was so <i>effing</i> hot, I couldn’t deal with loading up my Explorer for even one <i>more</i> trip<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>— not in this heat! — so I just decided <i>‘fuck it!’</i> and left the dining room table and the chairs. I always eat in front of the TV anyway.”<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjggQZdwuft90hU-3pN0OYvZT6PPUZiQozgbDc5oPsV4BgGg2BOlgnYc1XMvLAyRaU3bg-ZzSg0u5a0tLU_Afs8fKXcDhFhQrKCCD4Tj0ajvrH4FxDbZzSQm2Dk8BGfNo2j-AM2F7hmbHc/s1600/junk2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="292" data-original-width="485" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjggQZdwuft90hU-3pN0OYvZT6PPUZiQozgbDc5oPsV4BgGg2BOlgnYc1XMvLAyRaU3bg-ZzSg0u5a0tLU_Afs8fKXcDhFhQrKCCD4Tj0ajvrH4FxDbZzSQm2Dk8BGfNo2j-AM2F7hmbHc/s1600/junk2.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: right;">These four chairs have left the dining room for greener pastures on, let's see, oh yes, Valerio.<i> Staff photo.</i></td></tr>
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Her boyfriend Alex agrees. “She just <i>bought</i> a new entertainment center three months ago. But it was too big for me to move alone. What the hell happened to this asshole friend of hers from work?! It took me an hour to get it out her door and down the stairs and already I was sweating like a pig,” he says, “By the time I managed to drag that thing out the security gate of the building, I thought I was having heatstroke and, <i>fuck it!</i>, that was it, I was done! Goddamn thing is probably still there.”<br />
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<span class="s1">(Reached for comment, Nadia's co-worker, Ted Pasternak, told the <i>Quilt</i>, “Yeah, I know I said I’d help [Nadia], but I barely know her and she only asked me because I have a pickup truck. When I woke up that morning, it was already 98º in the shade, so I was like <i>‘fuck it!’ </i>and just blew her off.</span>”)<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVk-vbmKISgL3PK-_um_wg_yK-iBbkEGKGwksqEqlhNS5pmxWPFvL68H_yTJUjdgXEzCUlKohZfksgOtoeiy0GXbdySBSqSqwcHSX3_PJXv_1DBOOAGU5iVQ0h_aQ-ltzgaDQ226uMT0g/s1600/junk8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><i><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="485" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVk-vbmKISgL3PK-_um_wg_yK-iBbkEGKGwksqEqlhNS5pmxWPFvL68H_yTJUjdgXEzCUlKohZfksgOtoeiy0GXbdySBSqSqwcHSX3_PJXv_1DBOOAGU5iVQ0h_aQ-ltzgaDQ226uMT0g/s1600/junk8.jpg" /></i></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: right;">A handsome arrangement of tasteful furnishings seen here on Sati— Correction! Valerio.<i> Staff photo.</i></td></tr>
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<span class="s1">Traditionally, cast-off furniture left by the side of the road becomes the responsibility of the LA Department of Sanitation’s Bulky Item Collection service after the department has logged a minimum of eighteen increasingly desperate or angry calls per item, <i>pile</i> of items, or address. “Then, eh, <i>maybe</i> we’ll send someone out to take a look,” says department spokesman Albert Sousa. “But usually, we get about a dozen requests before whoever is reporting it just says <i>‘fuck it!’ </i>and gives up.”</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: large;"><b>RELATED: <span style="color: blue;"><u>Canoga Park Sidewalks A Scavenger’s Paradise For Perfectly Good, Shitty Furniture</u></span></b></span></div>
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Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-28470457309267107372018-06-11T13:00:00.001-07:002018-06-11T13:16:12.523-07:00Inclusiveness, Acceptance Celebrated At Diverse West Hills Gay Pride Festival<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: right;"><i>Staff photo.</i></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">By Blythe Moorcraft, </span><i style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Quilt</i><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> staff</span></span>
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<span class="s1"><b>DATELINE: ACCEPTANCE</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1">West Hollywood may be the epicenter for LA-area LGB 'pride' events, but don’t count West <i>Hills</i> out!</span></div>
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<span class="s1">The second weekend in June is traditionally Pride Weekend here in the West San Fernando Valley and this year’s LGBT festivities didn’t disappoint.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Men, women and others of all shapes and sizes, clad in everything from oiled leather to cozy flannel, from tight tank-tops to loose overalls, flocked to the undisputed gay mecca of the West San Fernando Valley — Pride Center at Victory and Fallbrook, in West Hills’ inclusive, diverse, accepting Victorbrook neighborhood — to take part in a three-day celebration of inclusiveness, diversity and acceptance.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">One of the event’s most popular venues was the main vendor tent — an outdoor marketplace where attendees could take a break from the hot sun, enjoy browsing or just see & be seen while shopping for unique items — many not available elsewhere and geared specifically for the area’s lively LGBTQ crowd.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">“Check out these clamps,” one burly, bearded fellow said to an interested buddy. “Four bucks? Hell yeah — I got plans for these!”</span></div>
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<span class="s1">At a nearby table laden with unusual wares and various esoterica, a woman contemplated a purchase with her gal pal. “Hey, Joyce, I think these attachments might fit your variable speed oscillating multi-tool.”</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Pavilion of Pride:</b> The event's popular vendor tent, offering gear for most every interest. <i>Staff photo.</i></td></tr>
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<span class="s1">New connections within the LGBTQI community were made, too: A vendor personing the register at the festival evidently saw something he liked in a rugged, older gent buying a leather apron. "Can I have your phone number, please?" he asked as he began to ring up the sale. (Good news for romantics: the feeling was mutual because the attendee offered it up without hesitation.)</span></div>
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<span class="s1">The three-day event of acceptance, inclusiveness and diversity celebrating the LGBTQIA community kicked off Friday afternoon and continued throughout the weekend, finally drawing to a close at six pm on Sunday, with the ceremonial taking down of the tent.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Though West Hills Pride may be officially over for another year, the lessons learned, the values embraced and the new friendships forged by the area’s LGBTQIAP population will last a lifetime.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b><i><span style="color: #444444;">Correction:</span></i></b><i><span style="color: #444444;"> What we presumed was a celebration of diversity, acceptance, and inclusiveness for the gay, lesbian, transgender and et cetera community was in fact Harbor Freight Tools' bi-monthly parking lot sale. We regret the e</span>rror.</i></span></div>
Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-9955429172691467472018-05-28T12:27:00.000-07:002018-05-28T18:31:38.583-07:005th Annual Coverage of the 29th Annual 2018 Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">By <i>Quilt</i> Staff</span></span><br />
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<span class="s1"><b>DATELINE: PARADE FATIGUE</b></span><br />
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<span class="s1">WEST VALLEY residents lined Sherman Way from Topanga Canyon Boulevard to Winnetka Avenue this morning to watch the 29th Annual Canoga Park Memorial Parade go by. However, as the parade route extended only from Owensmouth to Mason, spectators respectively west and east of those intersections were staring at mostly empty streets.</span><br />
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<span class="s1">In all, about exactly forty-nine different groups, organizations, associations, and organized groups of associations— numbering nearly fifty in total — participated in the slow-moving flash-flood of memorialable patriotism, awashing eager parade-watchers in wave after wave of salty, refreshing civic pride.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span><br />
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Everyone and everything from not-yet-disgraced local politicians to lively marching bands, from high-kicking tae-kwon-doers to manure-strewing prancing horses marched, cavorted, pooped and waved to those along the route in a magnificent spectacle not seen in Canoga Park since the 28th Annual Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade approximately a year ago.<br />
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<span class="s1">The parade’s theme this year was “Memorial Day,” and parade participants, or <i>paradcipants</i>, included a number of veterans and others involved in military service.</span><br />
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<span class="s1">Conspicuous by its absence was the inaugural appearance of The Canoga Park <i>Quilt</i> float, which was to debut this year for the first time.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="s1">“We spent $1200 on a custom-made Junior News Possum walk-around costume and like an idiot, I let [feature writer] Ingomar Schoenborn borrow it this past weekend for a ‘Furries’ convention in Palm Desert,” lamented <i>Quilt</i> editor Owen Smouth. “He gets back late this morning, the costume smelled all funky and no one wanted to wear it.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>And without the damn possum, our float is just another 1998 Toyota Tacoma with cheap mylar bunting from 99¢ Only. We bowed out.” <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span><br />
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<span class="s1">Despite the lack of the Canoga Park’s only online newspaper on both the internet and the world wide web traversing the arduous 1.2 mile route while its myriad of editors, photographers and graphic designers tossed handfuls of uncirculated 1964 Kennedy half-dollars to the crowds, the parade was a success, as these magnificent photos will attest.</span></div>
Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-91315468670644961922018-04-03T11:16:00.003-07:002018-04-04T01:06:51.377-07:00Clearance Prices At Closing Grocery Store Still Nowhere Near Regular Prices At Other Nearby Supermarkets<span style="font-size: xx-small;">By Nita Keswick, <i>Quilt</i> staff</span><br />
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<span class="s1">Excited shoppers with an eye for discounts scoured the quickly emptying aisles of Canoga Park’s Vons supermarket, loading cart after cart with canned goods, meat, frozen items and liquor, seemingly unconcerned that the beloved overpriced grocery store was offering very little in the way of savings compared to its local competitors.</span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Vons #1673 at 8201 Topanga Canyon Boulevard at Roscoe, in Canoga Park’s bustling Roscopanga shopping district, advertised “storewide savings of up to 10-90% off” the prices of its waning inventory. But even at Monday’s rate of 25% off, most items were still above the non-sale price at other nearby stores.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">That didn’t stop Téodor Pasternak, who was loading a cart up with Keystone beer and Marie Callender’s Creamy Parmesan Chicken pot pies. “I usually do my shopping at Ralphs and 99¢ Only,” he explained, “but who can say no to these clearance prices?” When told that the items he was buying were still priced 18% higher than Ralphs, he seemed annoyed. “Well, the <i>idea</i> that I’m saving money helps justify these purchases despite my struggles with alcohol and poor diet choices," he snapped. "What <i>else</i> have you got to ruin my day? That I need a club card to get these savings?" [Yes. <i>—Ed.</i>]</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">25% off a $5 bottle of Thousand Island?! Salad season is just around the corner. Just sayin'. <i>Staff photo</i></td></tr>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Many in the area have lamented the impending closure of their neighborhood Vons. “It was a neighborhood icon,” says Gretchen Bierly of West Hills. “If you had to run out for something quick, you didn’t have to go to some filthy convenience store. You could go here instead and </span><i style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">knew</i><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> you were paying filthy convenience store prices.”</span><span class="s1"></span></div>
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<span class="s1">According to <a href="http://aisledla.com/" target="_blank">AisledLA</a>, an online internet web-based ‘blog’ that covers Los Angeles area grocery stores, a Vallarta supermarket will take over once the soon-to-be vacant retail space. While a number of residents west of Topanga Canyon Boulevard are concerned by the chain — which caters to a growing Latino population — opening a store in the area, many insist it’s only because they have difficulty pronouncing the double-<i>L </i>in its name correctly. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">However, Russ Hickert, senior editor of West Valley Grocery & Supermarket Trends Daily predicted the neighborhood will soon embrace the Hispanic chain.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1">“Oh, I think they’ll be fine with Vallarta once they realize they’re actually surprisingly expensive, too,” he said.</span></div>
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Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-7639889643882948602018-03-09T16:42:00.001-08:002018-03-09T16:58:13.835-08:00Wings Over Wendy’s Gets Its Marching Orders As Platt Village Fast-Foodery Closes<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">By Brennan Callicott, special to the <i>Quilt</i></span></span>
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<span class="s1"><b>DATELINE: PLATT VILLAGE SHOPPING CENTER</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1">Popular quick-serve restaurant Wendy’s Old-Fashioned Hamburgers permanently closed the doors to its Platt Village location in West Hills last week, leaving customers not with a Frosty reception — but no reception at all.</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b>Where's the Beef?</b> Along with the rest of the food and all of the fixtures: shipped back to a distribution<br />
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Despite all signage having been taken down or blacked out, and the entire order box having been removed, Wendy’s still had a surprisingly constant stream of hungry, hopeful would-be customers as recently as yesterday afternoon. Evidently not dissuaded by the completely vacant restaurant, no less than four vehicles were seen slowly negotiating the drive-thru lane during the two minutes our photographer was there.</div>
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<span class="s1">The hamburgery’s closure left “Wings Over Wendys” — a social group comprised of World War II, Korean War and Vietnam War veterans who convened for coffee, breakfast nuggets and camaraderie in the restaurant’s dining room each Monday morning — briefly without a meeting place.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1">However, “new digs” for the tight-knit group of retired flyboys has been found, according to a post on the group’s Facebook page. Just a few dozen yards from their old stomping grounds, the new location — in the same shopping center —<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>couldn’t be more convenient.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>“Attention members: As of next Monday, we are now officially known as Wings Over The Rite Aid Pharmacy Prescription Waiting Area,” reads the announcement.</span><br />
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: x-small;"><b><i>Correction:</i></b><i> Turns out Wings Over Wendy’s is now meeting at the Woodland Hills Wendy’s, 22611 Ventura Blvd., Woodland Hills. <span style="font-size: xx-small;">We regret the error.</span></i></span></div>
Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-81421479196866982882018-02-23T14:33:00.000-08:002018-02-23T15:32:45.659-08:00Canoga Park Responds to Flourishing Homeless Population With New 24-Hour Resource Centers<span style="font-size: xx-small;">By Charlotte Rudnick, </span><i style="font-size: x-small;">Quilt</i><span style="font-size: xx-small;"> staff</span><br />
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<span class="s1">Homeless people in the West Valley will soon have two new local options for getting much-needed assistance to help cope with life on the streets.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">A 7-11 convenience store in the space previously occupied by Duke of Bourbon Liquor in Westridge Plaza, in the hustling RoscoSoto neighborhood is due to open “any day now,” according to sources, while just down the street, at Roscoe and Canoga, in the bustling RoscoNoga neighborhood, a Chevron gas station featuring a large mini-mart is on track to open its doors in the near future as well. </span><br />
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<span class="s1">Both will offer microwaveable burritos, nachos and heat lamp dogs, among other goods and services.</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL9_Zn44zvpoR7z718iELerzJBeXg7D_W6mQgZpYH9dm-RUnCUfP2WkAuodP3pmzpbswIdS6ZVoFjvUhFb83yjLLl5QOhJ7u3rkMAK55Nf6sdB03yl6RL25vVfN-H6cUcGa8CTvIi89lY/s1600/cheveleven485.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="211" data-original-width="485" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL9_Zn44zvpoR7z718iELerzJBeXg7D_W6mQgZpYH9dm-RUnCUfP2WkAuodP3pmzpbswIdS6ZVoFjvUhFb83yjLLl5QOhJ7u3rkMAK55Nf6sdB03yl6RL25vVfN-H6cUcGa8CTvIi89lY/s1600/cheveleven485.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Chevron gas station and a 7-11 (inset) are two new businesses slated to open in the Canoga Park area in<br />
early 2018. Residents and others who just kind of hang around here are excited by the news. <i>Staff photo.</i></td></tr>
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“I can’t wait,” says Ernie ‘Nalgas’ Holvik, wearing an overstuffed backpack while carrying another as he awkwardly rides your bike on the way back to his camp beneath an LA River tributary overpass along Canoga Avenue. Tired from a busy day in West Hills where he works as a freelance Amazon Prime package re-acquisition specialist, Holvik looks longingly at the gas station, still under construction. “I <i>really</i> gotta take a dump.”<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">RELATED: <u style="color: blue;">Panic ensues as Santa Ana riverbed encampment eviction mistaken for walker herd.</u></span></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKWwyjBylzRTay1Tr5ol9GEHlZSM_N-IlRy0ddUsdftQIc5XJwUJEolzpPsrd3C6iPtehg9uGoGcY_V3cMlnuM-1ktA-_zjavo6DV7N_5Z47PWvgNoPgZHcTvA4Cmw-LtCVN-OQK_s9c0/s1600/HERD.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="183" data-original-width="485" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKWwyjBylzRTay1Tr5ol9GEHlZSM_N-IlRy0ddUsdftQIc5XJwUJEolzpPsrd3C6iPtehg9uGoGcY_V3cMlnuM-1ktA-_zjavo6DV7N_5Z47PWvgNoPgZHcTvA4Cmw-LtCVN-OQK_s9c0/s1600/HERD.JPG" /></a></div>
Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856272502101824207.post-30305903813755836392018-01-26T14:47:00.000-08:002018-02-23T15:35:37.800-08:00Dubious Charity Naively Expects Apathetic Residents To Eschew Curbside Disposal And Instead Lug Old Electronics To Inconvenient Parking Lot Collection Site<div class="p1">
<span style="font-size: xx-small;"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">By Ingomar Schoenborn, </span><i style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Quilt</i><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> staff</span></span></div>
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<span class="s1"><b>DATELINE: <span style="color: #444444;">BIG </span></b><span style="color: #444444;">LOTS</span><i><span style="color: #e69138;"><b>!</b></span></i></span></div>
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<span class="s1">Civic-minded folks of the West Valley can finally get rid of that enormous broken television, or <i>TV,</i> set, those facsimile, or <i>fax</i>, machines obsolete since the early 1990s, their top-of-lap computers, or <i>laptops,</i> that they brought home from work but reported stolen after they didn’t know how to completely remove all the porn they downloaded onto the hard drives, or any other electronical junk, or <i>e-waste</i>, items they may have lying around.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">“In the past, Canoga Park residents have had to deal with the back-breaking, interminable hassle of placing any bulky electronics out by the curb where they’d be picked up by local scavengers or eventually the Sanitation Department,” says Bert Frankel, president of US Pals Chamber of Commerce, a vaguely philanthropic-sounding organization that raises money for something or other.</span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE_BtWMiRb7pPUlqPHqti13MWIGhrBoEBbPvRLwrqgwuytEFDZlrfXBTV_ipy3rHegd0-iZzT2LBmEOOv3Ab0FWRE2TZ0hRgVEwjFUxHNNE1BKYQKYAi1Jen9fUZWzdpt6vDxdBwtDJ1k/s1600/pals.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="374" data-original-width="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE_BtWMiRb7pPUlqPHqti13MWIGhrBoEBbPvRLwrqgwuytEFDZlrfXBTV_ipy3rHegd0-iZzT2LBmEOOv3Ab0FWRE2TZ0hRgVEwjFUxHNNE1BKYQKYAi1Jen9fUZWzdpt6vDxdBwtDJ1k/s1600/pals.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Canoga Park residents tired of paying the high cost of dragging their shit out to the curb for free can<br />
now recycle their electronics at no cost by lugging it over to a busy parking lot instead. <i>Staff photo.</i></td></tr>
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<span class="s1"></span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">“But with our two-day event, they need only drag the items out to the car, realize the trunk is already filled with other crap, pull all </span><i style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">that</i><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> crap out of the trunk and into the garage to make room, lift the item or items into the trunk, drive over to Big Lots, mention to our collection specialist they have electronics to donate, wait for the collection specialist to look up from her phone, mention </span><i style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">again</i><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> to our collection specialist they have electronics to donate, watch where our collection specialist briefly points before going </span><i style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">back</i><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> to her phone, and then lug said electronic items out of the trunk and over to the directed area,” he adds.</span><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">“What could be easier?”</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Frankel</span> notes that US Pals will be accepting all kinds of e-waste items except for whatever <i>you</i> specifically show up with.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>“No, I’m sorry, we don’t accept those,” he says.</div>
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<span class="s1">The collection center will be in the Big Lots parking lot in the space formerly occupied by the half-dozen donation “sucker boxes” that were finally hauled off after the vandalism and trash caused by them became far too much trouble than they were worth.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1">“We’re excited about raising money for, <i>eh</i>, ‘charity’ tomorrow and Sunday,” says Frankel, “and delighted that Big Lots is donating the use of their parking lot to do this.” </span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;">Says Canoga Park Big Lots manager Esther Galinda, “Wait, <i>who’s</i> doing </span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"><i>what</i></span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: initial;"> here this weekend?”</span></div>
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</style>Owen Smouth, Editor!http://www.blogger.com/profile/17465656882035224186noreply@blogger.com0