Friday, July 18, 2014

Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council Passes Discarded Mattress Legislation

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff


A motion was put forth, voted on and passed Thursday night by the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council to allow for advertising on Canoga Park’s abundant and ubiquitous discarded mattresses.

Under the terms of the resolution, “any mattress that is located out-of-doors, has been determined to be unattended for a period of two (2) hours or more and is not on or within sixty (60) feet of a parked or idling moving van, pickup truck, stolen Big Lots shopping cart or other similar conveyance, nor in the vicinity of individuals engaged in the process of moving furniture in or out of a residence, or is covered in stains and just kind of stinks, is infested with bedbugs, fleas, or other parasites shall be deemed abandoned and discarded; and is subject to immediate application of print, logos and illustrations for the sole purposes of advertising local businesses or promoting positive ideals for the community through public service announcements.” 

Staff photos.
Businesses interested in advertising on the mattresses would sign up for the program through the Chamber of Commerce which will work in tandem with a local printing company, Peppy Printers on Saticoy. Relying heavily on social media from those in the community to identify the location of newly-discarded mattresses, the printing company would then dispatch a “Mobile Mattress Marketing Squad” to quickly apply the advertiser’s message to the mattress, and then lean it up against a telephone pole or an RV that “doesn’t seem to be going anywhere any time soon.”

The new program would create a new stream of revenue for Canoga Park by "upcycling" discarded
mattresses into soft, pillowy billboards advertising participating businesses. Photo courtesy CPFNC.
A lower cost alternative for those with smaller advertising budgets would be provided by a team of local taggers who will spray paint the business name, an arrow pointing in the general direction of the business’ location, and for an additional fee, “maybe a smiley face or something like that there.” Bids are still being accepted for the tagging division.

Staff photos.
Albert Sheldrick, who presented the proposition, got the idea when he saw a mattress advertising an exciting dog giveaway promotion, in of all places, West Hills. “If it’s good enough for fancy-schmancy, ooh-la-la West Hills, it’s good enough for us,” the eight-year CPFNC member said.

Always on the cutting edge, "exclusive" West Hills' creative approach to street side
advertising inspired a CPFNC member to bring the program to Canoga Park. Staff photo.
Some council members expressed concern that the program would be in violation of AB 2756, the landmark bill written by Bob Blumenfield and passed unanimously by the Los Angeles City Council in 2010. The legislation prohibits mobile billboard advertising displays from being placed on city streets and public lands.  

However, Sheldrick argued that the mattresses are not inherently mobile “especially once they get wet.” Most council members were convinced especially after a demonstration involving a mattress dragged into the middle of the meeting space at the Canoga Park Community Center that was subsequently soaked with a fire hose. Those who still had concerns eventually agreed to “just not tell Bob.”

Staff photos.
The motion was passed by a vote of 17 to 1, with the one ‘nay’ vote cast by Jeanne Sowell, CPFNC’s Ministress of Tourism who had intended to present her own proposal regarding the hundreds and hundreds of discarded mattresses slumped across local alleys, sidewalks, streets and parks.

“Well, there goes my 'We've Got An Extra Bed For You In Canoga Park' ad campaign,” she said.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

News In Brief - July 8, 2014

Local Health Food Emporium Wins Injunction Against Proposed New Liquor Store
Canoga Park vegetarian grocery & restaurant “Follow Your Heart” has successfully won an injunction against business owner Razmik Barsamian preventing him from naming his new nearby liquor store “Follow Your Liver.” Attorneys for the beloved food store  - a haven for local vegetarians since opening in 1970 - reported that upon hearing of the proposed business name, their clients noted "hey, man, that's not cool."  They had further concerns over the planned name since the liquor store will be located less than a block from the natural food market and could lead to confusion that the two businesses are related. According to court documents, such a situation would "totally harsh our mellow." It was Barsamian’s intention to sell beef jerky at the register, however, that “was the last organic straw, man” for the famously vegetarian landmark's owners. Reached for comment, Barsamian said he’d go with his second name choice, "AA Liquor" and “that way I am at front of telephone book.”

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Unpleasant Woman At Westridge Plaza Needs To Borrow A Dollar For The Bus
A woman in her late twenties at Westridge Plaza, located in Canoga Park’s bustling RoscoSoto shopping district spent six hours today wandering around the parking lot approaching customers leaving Dollar Tree, Sam Ash Music, Islands Market and other businesses with an appeal, varying from bored to matter-of-fact to mildly aggressive, to borrow one dollar for bus fare. When told by local resident Téodor Pasternak that “you know, you can just get on the bus and go - the driver’s not going to kick you off,” the unidentified woman reportedly stared blankly at Pasternak for a moment before a flash of annoyance lit across her face and she walked away to approach a family leaving Subway. 

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Scientist: Canoga Park Sand Mound To Be Completely Underwater By 2022
The Canoga Park Sand Mound, the municipally-protected landmark located on the southeast corner of Valerio and Vassar, is likely to be completely underwater as soon as 2022 according to Pierce College Winnetka meteorologist Dr. Morris Detzer. “There are a lot of variables, of course,” explains the professor of climate changology, “but say we have a number of heavy rain showers over the course of the next eight years, and little by little, it's slowly washed away into the gutter and then into the sewer - well, technically, it would be completely underwater, right?” Efforts to protect the large pile of sand by the side of the road are already underway, spearheaded by the LA Department of Street Services which is reportedly taking the approach of leaving it alone and “hoping for the best.”

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Nearby Communities

Police Release Sketch of Suspected Sherman Oaks / Van Nuys Groper
The LAPD has released a police sketch of a male suspect who assaulted five women last month in the Van Nuys / Sherman Oaks area. According to reports, the unidentified man approaches women on foot, passes them, then turns around and gooses them before running off in a zig-zag fashion across an open field followed by an increasingly large group of disparate citizens that has included the victims themselves, policemen, green grocers, nuns, workers painting park benches and on one occasion, a dog catcher with a large net. Witnesses say each of the incidents have been accompanied by peppy saxophone music, identified by police as Boots Randolph’s “Yakety Sax.”

Friday, July 4, 2014

Your Complete 2014 Canoga Park Illegal Fireworks & High-Strung Dog Freakout Guide

Posted by Owen Smouth, Canoga Park Quilt editor-in-chief and Patriot!

[The intangible concept, not necessarily the street. Although that's not to rule out the street, either.]

Show your Canoga Park patriotism and declare your independence from expensive parking costs! Who needs so-called “professional” fireworks shows? Let’s send Woodland Hills a message by staying right here in town, where our enormous amount of patriotic spirit is matched only by our huge stockpiles of illegal fireworks! 

Besides, do you really want to get on the road after you’ve been outside drinking cheap beer in this heat all day? You’re hot and irritable and you’re only going to get into a fight with the cop who pulls you over for DUI. 

Stay local and save your drunken brawling for beloved friends and relatives.
Here’s your Official Canoga Park Fourth of July 2014 Projected Illegal Fireworks And Other Loud Noises map meticulously plotted and compiled based on data collected from previous years as well from - hoo boy! - the last four nights or so.

Have a Happy and Drunk and Happy Fourth of Independence July...Something! ...What the f_ck you looking at? Come at me, bro!

Note: If your planned illegal fireworks or celebratory gunshots are not represented here, call our tipline at 818-TIP-LINE so we can update the map accordingly. And please do so while you still have the fingers necessary to dial a phone.