By Jordan Covello, Quilt staff.
DATELINE: BLYTHE STREET
A Canoga Park middle-schooler, inspired by a recent fracas in Anaheim between a group of teens and an off-duty police officer, is hoping to parlay a few potential bruises into an enormous pay day.
|Jarik Murta. Photo: R. Murta
“Yeah, there’s this cop that like lives down the street an’ shit...? So a bunch of us [are] gonna go over to his place and like walk all over his lawn an’ shit, and then when he comes out to stop us an’ shit, my homies [are] all gonna have their phones ready to like record him! ...An’ shit!” says an enthusiastic Jarik Murta, one of the scheme’s creators and its planned victim.
The hope is that the resident, Téodor Pasternak, will manhandle the teen, resulting in visible injuries that the young man's family can use to then sue the City of Canoga Park, the LAPD and Pasternak himself — and most importantly, to launch lucrative crowd-sourced fund drives.
The teen and his family were further motivated by not one but two crowd-funding campaigns for the teenaged boy involved in the occurrence in Anaheim, which as of press time, had raised a combined total of over $26,000.
“Ohhh shit! I’m-a win the lottery, yo!” adds a giddy Murta, 13.
|The cash that's been rolling in to allow the boy at the center of the Anaheim incident "to be a kid
again" and to pay "many legal fees" has inspired the entrepreneurial spirit in a Canoga Park teen.
Says local injury attorney Lou Steinmart of the firm Steinmart, Marshall & Korvette, “It’s a good plan, yes, but not fool-proof. First off, you can’t sue ‘the City of Canoga Park’ because Canoga Park isn’t a city. Secondly, by laying out their plans like this in advance, the argument could be made that it would be a set-up — you know, fraud — especially since the plan is to incite some sort of violent behavior. Still, we are living in an age where most people who should know better are free from personal responsibility or any consequences whatsoever of their actions, no matter how ill-advised, so I can see a jury siding with the the boy. ...Eh, you should have him give me a call.”
Reached for comment, the intended assailant, Pasternak, 46, seemed blindsided by the whole ordeal. “Wait-wait-wait — Who’s going to do what now?” he asked when told of the plan. "I'm not even a cop!"
“I work for a pool filter manufacturer in Chatsworth," Pasternak insisted. "I don’t know where they got the cop thing. Oh...wait... A couple of years ago I went to a Halloween party dressed as [Sheriff] Rick Grimes from ‘The Walking Dead.’ Maybe they saw me leaving the house that night. And I think I handed out some candy to a few trick-or-treaters in costume before going out.
|Left: A licensed 'Rick Grimes' costume "similar to what I wore one Halloween, but I'll admit,
I do have a little bit more of a gut than that guy," says Pasternak. At right, a chicken pot pie.
“Also, I’m a renter, so if they do anything to the lawn here, I guess the company that manages this place would take it up with them, if they want to. But it’s not something I’d even go outside to bother with, let alone fight a bunch of kids over. I’m not a violent person. Now if you’ll excuse me, my chicken pot pie is getting cold,” Pasternak added before calmly closing the door.
The teen’s mother is not letting the lack of incident go without a fight. “It’s outrageous that this man refuses to throttle my child,” says a hysterical Anna Murta. “By not scarring my child for life, he has cost us thousands of dollars [that] my child and me was expecting — which has scarred my child for life! We’re gonna show him this community won’t stand for his bullshit!”
A disorganized anything-goes protest for the general neighborhood surrounding Pasternak’s home has been scheduled for seven p.m. tonight. Participants are asked to bring spray paint, rocks, glass bottles and illegible picket signs, and be prepared to chant hyperbolic, meaningless slogans. Cash donations will be accepted by the family in a large plastic jug that recently held Market Pantry cheese balls.