Saturday, November 2, 2019

LA Fitness Chatsworth Location Really, Really, REALLY Closing for Renovation This Time, Seriously

By Blythe Moorcraft, Quilt staff

DATELINE: DE SOTO AVENUE

LA Fitness’ Chatsworth location is really closing for renovations this time, seriously, says corporate spokestrainer Shepherd Wolfe.  “Listen, we’re seriously closing on Sunday, I swear. We’re not kidding this time. If you think we’re kidding, well, we’re not. I promise," insists Wolfe. "‘Cause after Sunday, you’ll have to go work out somewhere else until June nineteenth of next year, when we’ll reopen.”

Industry experts predict that given LA Fitness’s track record for keeping to a renovation timetable, the updated gym — if it actually does close on Sunday — should be back open for business sometime in August of 2037.

The Chatsworth fitness center, popular with cranky retirees, reprobates, people with poor hygiene who don't wipe down machines, and the socially awkward — at least according to Yelp Reviews — previously threatened to close for renovations in 2018, 2016, 2015, 2013, 2012, and 2009. Each time, mitigating circumstances prevented much ballyhooed planned upgrades from moving forward at the last minute, much to the chagrin of members who joined the gym in 2009, 2012, 2013, 2015, 2016 and 2018 specifically on the promise of impending upgrades.

“No, this time, we’re serious. Really,” notes on-site facility manager Susan Elliott.  “Frankly, at this point, we have no choice. Members have been looting the weight room of all the Iron Grip 25-, 35-, and 45-pound plates for the past month and a half. There’s practically nothing left in there."

Related -  Editorial: Maybe if LA Fitness Actually Enforced Their Fucking Rule About No Fucking Gym Bags In Workout Areas, Thieving Douchebags Wouldn’t Be Stealing All Their Fucking Equipment

Thursday, October 10, 2019

Homeless Woman Singing In Storm Drain Goes Viral, Captivates Canoga Park

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff





DATELINE: NORDHOFF STREET

A homeless woman living in a storm drain near the corner of Nordhoff and DeSoto, in Canoga Park’s bustling NordSoto neighborhood has captured the hearts of all who have experienced her melodious tones wafting up through the grate, over the Drains to Ocean emblem, and into their earholes.

“I can’t believe a voice so beautiful is coming from somebody living in the sewer. They need to give her a recording contract,” said Ted Pasternak, an assembler at a local pool filter company, who paused to listen on his way to Subway to get lunch. “Of course, on the other hand, we pull her out of there, suddenly someone’s got to find her a place to live and no one knows where to put these people anymore.

“Well, she sure sounds happy down there, anyway,” he added before heading off to get his footlong Italian BMT on 9-grain honey oat with extra banana peppers.

Underground Music: Passersby have been delighted by the remarkable melodies emanating
from a storm drain near the corner of Nordhoff and Desoto in Canoga Park's industrial quarter.

Others echoed his sentiment as they listened to the mystery woman sing something that many described as an operatic aria:

Bimbo squalo, doo doo doo doo, nonno squalo, doo doo doo doo, andiamo a caccia, finalmente al securo...

“It’s beautiful. Haunting, really. And to think it’s coming from down there,” said Bernice Knudsen, on her lunch break at an insurance claims office. “This is the feel-good story of my daily walk over to Starbucks.”

Darula: Anxious for lunch.
   Added metal fabricator Budek "Bud" Darula,
   heading back to work carrying a bag from
   Yoshinoya, “That singing! It's just amazing.
   If there’s a Go Fund Me that I can throw a
   nominal amount of money at so I feel like
   I’m doing something good without getting
   further involved, I’m all for it.

   "But right now I gots to gets back to the shop
   before this here beef bowl gets cold!”

Industry experts estimate the subterranean chanteuse could have a lucrative three-or-four week career making inspiring, tearjerking appearances on various talk shows, competing on reality competitions and providing a cappella music for Ellen to dance to — once someone from the Department of Public Works gets over there with one of those manhole cover lifters and she’s brought topside, hosed down and given a fresh set of duds.  “Then the sky’s the limit!” predicts Ari Vaskigorgian of Peppy Talent Representation & Day Laborer Procurement on Saticoy.  “At least for about a month until we all move on to something else.”

                                                 • • • • •

Correction: Turns out there was no homeless woman in the sewer but a musical, multilingual Baby Shark toy that likely was flung out a backseat car window by a fussy toddler, landed in the storm drain, somehow became shorted out from the water and got switched onto the Italian language version of the popular song.  
                                                                           We regret the error.

Monday, May 27, 2019

Barebones, Perfunctory Coverage of 30th Annual Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade!

By Quilt Staff

DATELINE: CELEBRATING THE REMEMBRANCE OF THOSE WE MEMORIALIZE

It was the event three decades in the making.  Well, if you go by parades and and not armed conflicts represented (in which case we should start counting from our entrance into World War II). But then since this is Memorial Day, perhaps it might be better if we started counting from the first celebration of such (1868) making this an event over a century and a half in the making. 

But what of those we lost during the American Revolution? Should we really forget them on Memorial Day?  

...It was the event 244 years in the making. And the weather couldn't have been more temperate, mild and/or agreeable.  Thank God, right? The last six years of this, we've all been roasting out there. And Canoga Park crowds are not known for their delicate bouquet — especially in hot weather! When was the last time those armpits of yours saw a bar of Zote or a stick of deodorant? Or a stick of Winterfresh gum for that matter? Awright then.

And so the 30th Annual Canoga Park Memorial Day Parade made its way down Sherman Way this morning as thousands of people lined the streets.

Thankfully, these homeless folks were temporarily relocated, the sidewalks quickly steam-cleaned, and legitimate parade-watchers quickly took their place.

But enough of all this folderol! You came here for the pictures! For the pictures taken with a piece-of-crap phone because our photographer forgot to charge the battery pack for his — ooh-la-la! — expensive, professional camera last night!

On with the show!  Oh, and be sure to check us out on the, whaddayacall, Facebook, for more, better coverage!


A World War II veteran!


A veteran of the Korean War — or "military conflict" if you're Hollywood peacenik Alan Alda!


A Vietnam vet!


A veteran from the Cold War era!


Veterans from Operation Iraqi Freedom and another such Operation!
Forgive us, but our stupid research department can't figure out what OED stands for.
Rest assured they've been courtmartialed and have lost breakroom privileges.


Here we've got some Desert Strike / Desert Storm vets!


And last but not least, the gents from Wings Over Wendys!
Thank you, one and all, for your service!

Also, thanks to those who followed along behind the vaqueros and cleaned up all the horse shit along Sherman Way. You folks really are the unsung heroes of the day!

Happy Memorial Day!

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Canoga Park Resident Hopes For Quick End To Teachers’ Strike

By Blythe Moorcraft, Quilt staff

DATELINE: VASSAR AVENUE
Staff photo.
Canoga Park resident TeĆ³dor Ted Pasternak has a message for the LAUSD Board of Education: “Give these teachers what they want!”

Pasternak — an assembler at a local pool filter manufacturer who has no children of his own but if he did, they’d go to private schools — may seem like an unlikely ally for Los Angeles school teachers who have been on strike since Monday, demanding reductions in pay, a 6.5 percent increase in standardized testing, more class sizes and smaller nurses. 
Pasternak. File photo.

But he’s thrown his support firmly behind the picketing educators, or pickucators, hoping for a quick end to what has become a contentious strike.

“I live across the street from Canoga Park Elementary,” explains Pasternak. “I’ve been home the last few days, sick with a cold, trying to get some goddamn rest.

“And every morning, those assholes are out there with a bullhorn chanting God-knows-what, I can’t even make it out. At seven-fucking-thirty in the morning!

“Christ almighty, give them whatever the fuck they want so I can get some goddamn sleep!