It’s Election Day, and California can’t elect and re-elect and re-re-elect a big wad of ineffectual, counterproductive jackasses without your help! Do your part and get out there and vote today! Remember, when in doubt about a particular proposition, vote for the way that it will further raise taxes, because that’s just what we do here in Southern California! We'll never get to a magical 65% sales tax without your help!
• Island Pacific Market - 20922 Roscoe Blvd.
Voting booths located between iced salmon heads and oyster tank. Show ballot stub for a free packet of ginger yam Bing-Bang Yahooeys
• MAX Scrap Metal & Recycling - 21608 Nordhoff St.
Look for huge industrial electromagnet suspended from crane. Booths located beneath. Remember, your vote will not be counted unless you take a selfie with the vintage 70s-era fiberglas McDonaldland Captain Crook head out front.
• Urgent Care Canoga Park - 20905 Sherman Way
Three voting booths located in waiting area between woman sitting with screaming toddler and man with uncomfortable look on his face and hands over his crotch.
• Mildred’s Frutas y Postres y Brooms - West end of Lanark Street at Topanga Canyon, south side of street
One voting booth located in back of converted delivery truck. Show ballot stub for 10% off a rag mop made from that bag of old t-shirts you left outside Goodwill after they were closed for the night.
• Big Lots - 21910 Sherman Way
Waaaay in the back of the shipping container in the parking lot. Flashlights not provided.
• Lanark Pool - 21817 Strathern St.
Located in deep end. Voters are required to shower before entering voting booths.
• Coin Laundry - 5360 Topanga Canyon Blvd.
Last three dryers on south wall have been temporarily converted to voting booths. Note: Bring your own quarters to vote, change machine for laundromat customers only.
If you are unsure as to which particular voting location you are closest to, simply follow any senior citizen you see walking outside today. Chances are they are heading to a polling place.