Friday, September 22, 2017

Explosion Rocks Canoga Park Parking Lot

By Burton Cantara, Quilt staff.


An explosion blew open the door of a donation box in a parking lot in Canoga Park on Wednesday, spreading soiled, unfashionable clothes and other unwanted secondhand goods over an enormous “crap perimeter” across the surrounding area.

“We were walking by when it went off and next thing I know I was hit by a Von Dutch hat from 2003,” says Bryan Rauschebart of DeSoto Avenue. “My girlfriend was blinded by a flying pashmina. Well, until she pulled it off her head.” 

Rauschebart noted that “something yellow flew by [his] face at the speed of light.” Investigators with the Canoga Park Fire Department later found a ‘Livestrong’ bracelet embedded in the trunk of a nearby palm tree.

Staff photo.
The force of the blast was strong enough to send some of the outdated clothes far across the parking lot, leaving a counterfeit “Jimmie Chew” [sic] left shoe and an oil-stained right Ugg boot with the lining “all matted and pilled” in the back of a pickup truck. A greasy plaid fedora, the type very briefly made popular by Justin Timberlake some years ago, was found dangling on the antenna of a Toyota Camry. 

It was unclear exactly how far the effects of the explosion reached, however, since it was impossible to determine where the debris field ended and the sidewalk inventory of Fallas Paredes began. 

Investigators are baffled by the event and have already ruled out a meth lab explosion, a honey oil lab explosion, a gas leak explosion, a kids-playing-with-fireworks explosion and many of the other usual conditions and factors that regularly cause explosions in Canoga Park.

Correction: Turns out there was no explosion at all, but rather the effects of homeless people tearing open the plywood box and rooting through the soiled garments inside. 

We regret the error.

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