Special to the Canoga Park Quilt by Canoga Park Quilt Editor-in-Chief Owen Smouth
DATELINE: MY DESK
FAR TOO FEW ACCOLADES are given, it seems, to our intrepid young photographer, Parker Glassport, who toils anonymously with his trusty Fisher Price #784 (with the Leica 50 mm f0.95 Noctilux lens) to illustrate most of what you read here on the Quilt with his highly professional pictures, or “photographs.”
When he’s not on assignment dutifully tagging along with our crack team of investigative reporters (no longer our crack-addicted team of investigative reporters since Nita Keswick and Sherman Farralone successfully completed their court-mandated rehab at Overpasses of Reseda), Parker finds time to chronicle the weird, the wonderful, the sublime, the ridiculous, the outrageous, the potentially illegal, the odious, the odorous, the perverted, the delightful, the eccentric, the delightfully eccentrically perverted — in short, all that makes Canoga Park and surrounding environs just so wonderful.
So I said to Parker just the other day, I said to him, “Parker,” I said, “Just what do you do with all those marvelous pictures you take that we don’t run?”
He told me he uses them mostly for blackmail, but the ones he can’t force people into buying he hopes to use in a gallery show some day.
“Phpht! Gallery show — around here?! Yeah, good luck with that, pal!” I told him. “No, we’ll print them in the Quilt instead and give you that exposure (ha! — photography joke) you crave.
|Parker Glassport of the Quilt. Photo: Parker Glassport for the Quilt.|
"What’s more," I continued, "What's more, it’s ready-made content I have no intention of paying for since you take them on company time so I probably already own them anyway, and we can throw 'em up on the site quickly.
"And perhaps best of all, Parker," I said to him, I said, "Perhaps best of all, with your little pictures popping up now and again we don’t need to worry about the same article being on the front page for weeks at a time while our reporters are out digging up new dirt on important local news stories (or in the cases of Nita and Sherman, relapsing)."
Anyway, it’s with all that in mind that we unveil our latest feature... aah — name, name we need a goddamn name, Smouth — eh, we’ll call it, uh...“Take A Picture, Parker Glassport, It’ll Last Longer!” Christ almighty, Smouth—brilliant. You're on fire today, man!
We’re sure it’ll be a welcome addition to all those other regular features you Canoga Park Quilt subscribers have come to cherish, like the one where the kids send in letters and the one where locals ask questions, and I think there was some sort of “What’s Happening Around Town” thing we used once or twice. Anyway, enjoy!
There. That oughtta hold the little bastar— Whaddaya mean ‘still on the air’?! We’re an online newspaper!
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Take A Picture, Parker Glassport. It'll Last Longer
September 28, 2015