Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Canogavirus Reported In West SFV Thrift Store

By Burton Cantara, Quilt staff


The highly contagious Canogavirus has been confirmed in the West San Fernando Valley, announced the Canoga Park Department of Public Hysteria on Tuesday morning. 

“What we’re seeing here is unprecedented,” announced Dr. Morris Detzer, chief fear-mongerer and head of peppydemiology, the study of particularly perky germs, for the Canoga Park Department of Healthiness. “Rather than our first case where someone has become infected with the disease itself, we have discovered an actual Canogavirus viral structure, many hundreds of thousand times the size of an average such canogaparkus coughus coughus virus.”

Most viruses, including the Canogavirus, are scientifically classified as described as teeny-tiny, or extremely small, cannot be seen by the naked eye and are only visible with the aid of a microscope, or thing-look-biggerer.

Detail of the fun, playful and potentially deadly Canogavirus. Source photo: Damian Yerrick.
“But this thing — Jesus, this thing’s the size of a frickin’ grapefruit — and it was bouncing around like it was doing the popcorn part of the Banana Dance song my granddaughter watches constantly on YouTube.” he added. “I don’t know if this is an isolated aberration or if the virus is evolving; nor can I say definitively if its enormous size and acute peppiness makes it more virulent or less so, but I’m just going to go ahead and say we’re doomed, we’re all doomed!”

The discovery was made in the St. Hissy of Marsupia Feral Possum Rescue Mission thrift store on Sherman Way in Canoga Park. A four year-old child found the colorful virus while playing in the ‘Kidz Korner’ after he pulled all the toys off the shelves, made a big mess of things and left everything all over the floor while his mother, across the store, scoured the lady’s section for high-end designer clothes to re-sell on Poshmark. 

“I never find shit here in the West Valley, and this thrift store was no different,” said the woman who would not give her name. “The [thrift store] employees were rude and said I should keep an eye on my child and clean up the so-called ‘mess’ he made. Yeah: no. Um, I don’t work here...?”

The mother and child had recently returned from a trip to Reseda, where they made a tour of the thrift stores there. It remains unclear how many people had been exposed to their terrible behavior.

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