Saturday, March 21, 2020

LA River Runs Clear For First Time In Centuries As Coronavirus Lockdown Decreases Shopping Cart Traffic, Feces

By Ingomar Schoenborn, Quilt staff


They say every virus has a silver membrane and COVID-19 — or “Chinaman’s Complaint,” as the White House has dubbed it — is no different.  Canoga Park’s expanse of the Los Angeles River is flowing crystal clear once again, due to the lack of shopping cart traffic and human effluvia, or huffluvia, in the picturesque concrete sluice since Eric Garcetti, a mayor with the City of Los Angeles, issued his recent mandatory “Aw, Gosh, We Sure Love Ya — So Stay At Home, Huh, Angelenos?” order.

Free of shopping carts and human waste, the LA River's waters run clear and pure. Staff photo.
The edict has had a “trickle-down” effect that benefited the river almost immediately, notes Donald Culross, head of the Canoga Park Friendly Neighborhood Council’s Neighborhood Beautifization Committee. “With everyone stuck at home, no one’s calling in complaints about homeless people living on sidewalks and around freeway off ramps,” explains Culross. So the housing-deficient are free to stay there rather than be forced to move to the largely unpatrolled LA River, its sheltered underpasses and its ‘Greenway’ biking, walking and dog-shitting paths, which they traditionally befoul with stolen shopping carts and excrement. ...Mostly excrement.”

The change has brought “back the crystal blue waters of ancient times, those of the pre-homeless epidemic,” according to Culross. “There was even reports of a dolphin frolicking upstream towards the DeSoto Avenue Overpass.”

Correction: What was described as a frolicking dolphin was in fact a waterlogged possum clinging to an empty 2-liter Jarritos tamarind soda bottle, and headed downstream. We regret the error.

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