By Brennan Callicott, special to the Quilt
DATELINE: FANCY-SCHMANCY WEST HILLS
A public USPS mailbox located in the Platt Village Shopping Center in West Hills that was mangled beyond repair was the result of a comical misunderstanding and not due to traditional mail theft, according to police.
“We know that thieves try to break in to these mailboxes to get checks, credit card info, anything they can use to steal identities or gain access to bank account information,” says Officer Reed Malloy, head of the LAPD’s West Valley Mail Theft & Thievery Task Force, Public Mailbox Division. “However, in this case, it was just a loud-mouthed but generally lovable schlub who had heard only part of a conversation at work and believed he was about to be fired.”
Despite the objections of his wife, the accused box batterer angrily fired off a blistering letter to his boss and mailed it, only to learn he was not being terminated but instead getting a raise.
At that point the accused, determined to get the letter back, enlisted his best friend, bosom buddy and lifelong pal to help him retrieve it before the mail was collected and delivered. The crude (and illegal) attempts to recover it resulted in the destruction of the mailbox.
While the pair were briefly arrested, no charges have been filed since the offender has agreed to pay the cost of replacing the box using his share of the prize money from next week’s big bowling tournament “that [they’re] a cinch to win” or the profits of another hare-brained get-rich-quick scheme that his long-suffering wife will try in vain to talk him out of.