Friday, July 4, 2014

Your Complete 2014 Canoga Park Illegal Fireworks & High-Strung Dog Freakout Guide

Posted by Owen Smouth, Canoga Park Quilt editor-in-chief and Patriot!

[The intangible concept, not necessarily the street. Although that's not to rule out the street, either.]

Show your Canoga Park patriotism and declare your independence from expensive parking costs! Who needs so-called “professional” fireworks shows? Let’s send Woodland Hills a message by staying right here in town, where our enormous amount of patriotic spirit is matched only by our huge stockpiles of illegal fireworks! 

Besides, do you really want to get on the road after you’ve been outside drinking cheap beer in this heat all day? You’re hot and irritable and you’re only going to get into a fight with the cop who pulls you over for DUI. 

Stay local and save your drunken brawling for beloved friends and relatives.
Here’s your Official Canoga Park Fourth of July 2014 Projected Illegal Fireworks And Other Loud Noises map meticulously plotted and compiled based on data collected from previous years as well from - hoo boy! - the last four nights or so.

Have a Happy and Drunk and Happy Fourth of Independence July...Something! ...What the f_ck you looking at? Come at me, bro!

Note: If your planned illegal fireworks or celebratory gunshots are not represented here, call our tipline at 818-TIP-LINE so we can update the map accordingly. And please do so while you still have the fingers necessary to dial a phone.

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