Sunday, February 26, 2023

Dozens Suffer Frostbite As Temps Plummet During Ill-Timed 'IcicLAvia"

By Blythe Moorcroft, Quilt staff


Nanooks of the North (of Vanowen) Two hardy souls head toward Reseda
despite frigid temperatures resulting in mildly severe loss of comfort. Staff photo.

Nearly all fifty-three participants in today's under-attended CicLAvia event between Reseda and Canoga Park were treated for severe frostbite due to the extreme low temperatures in the West San Fernando Valley. Many permanently lost fingers, toes and other assorted extremities as a result of the sub-pleasant cold weather, which were conveniently amputated free of charge at the First Aid booth, dubbed "Ice Station Reseda," located on Sherman Way at Tampa outside Grocery Outlet bargain market. 

CicLAvia, a semi-occasional, or every now and then, event closes down a major thoroughfare to automobile, or important, traffic to allow even casual bike riders to ride the way most dedicated cyclists ride most every day—like they own the goddamn road. The event is popular with both hipsters and thugs sharing what some have curiously described as “pride” in the community.

“I really didn’t want to come out today because of the frigid temperatures,” says De Soto Avenue resident Brian Rauschebart, clad in a –75ยบ rated Gore-Tex jacket, below a Patagonia down-filled mountain-climbing parka, below a bright blue, green and orange retro puff jacket from Old Navy, “but my girlfriend pointed out I follow all these urban biking blogs and mindlessly retweet everything they post on Twitter about taking back our streets from cars.

“I’d rather get out here on my vintage 1980 Huffy Sweet Thunder girls bike and endure the loss of a few digits than have to listen to her call me on my bullshit for the foreseeable future.”

Held during the coldest, snappiest cold snap of Los Angeles recorded history, today's freestyle bicycle rally was a change from other West Valley public street-closing events, which are traditionally held during the absolutely hottest periods of the summer for reasons no one quite understands or can even begin to explain.

Correction: No one suffered from frostbite, but one toddler was riding a Paw Patrol bike with training wheels barefoot and got his big toe stuck between the chain and the gear and hollered like hell until his idiot parents managed to get him untangled. Also, it was chilly out there but really, quite nice; and updated crowd estimates put the number of participants severely higher than 53, as it turns out. We regret the error.

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