Monday, January 16, 2017

Canoga Park Department of Traffics Announces 2017 Topanga Canyon Boulevard Closure Schedule

By Sherman Farralone, Quilt staff


File photo.

Following last year's Water Main Break (December 27) and ensuing Road Entearupment, Repair & Repaviation, and yesterday's Hit & Run, Police Evadement, Parked Car & Newspaper Box Demolition Derby and Karmic Crash — both resulting in the extended closure of Topanga Canyon Boulevard between Sherman Way and Hart Street — the Canoga Park Department of Traffics (Snarls, Jams & Pain-in-the-Ass Detours Division) has partnered with $10 Psychic Readings & Childcare to announce the full schedule of 2017 Topanga Canyon Boulevard closures along that same stretch of road, as a service to Canoga Park drivers.

2017 Topanga Canyon Boulevard Closure Schedule
Please note that Magic 8-Ball-based predictions and modern road repair are inexact sciences and the Topanga Boulevard Closure Schedule is subject to changes and additional catastrophes.

January 25:  “Suspicious Package” reported at side of road. Road and surrounding neighborhoods evacuated 6:02 a.m. until 5:32 p.m. (Turns out to be an empty Amazon Prime box discarded by a littering 'porch pirate.')

February 17:  Driver of bulk pickup trash truck neglects tie-down process, loses entire load of used mattresses. Southbound lanes closed for six hours while volunteers locate urine- and bedbug-resistant hazmat suits before cleaningup roadway.

March 26:  1st Annual KFC to Arby’s 0.34k Marathon.  All lanes closed from 7 a.m. to 7:17 a.m.

April 14:  Adorable family of ducks crossing street. Northbound lanes closed from 2:42 to 2:44; Southbound lanes closed from 2:44 to 2:47.

May 2: After LAUSD signs contract with new frozen food distributor, progressive Canoga Park High School students form “Tater Tots Matter” social justice movement and block roadway to protest Free School Lunch menu changes. All lanes closed 8:00 a.m. until 1:17 p.m. when activists get hungry and rename event to “Occupy Taco Bell.”

Topanga Canyon Boulevard between Hart St. and Sherman Way was again closed to traffic on
 January 15 to honor the hit-and-run driver who risked his life trying to evade police. Staff photo.
June 22: Irritating but not quite cataclysmic impact of poorly-aimed North Korean missile. (Meant for Reseda.)  Northbound lanes briefly closed.

July 1-7: Asphalt patch from missile crater repair resembles Virgin Mary and/or beloved comedic actress Ann Morgan Guilbert; entire road and nearby side streets unnavigable due to pilgrimages of large numbers of fervent Catholics and Dick Van Dyke Show fans.

August 4-9: Broken-down RV ‘city’ appears after dubious court order forces two dozen dilapidated Winnebagos off of fancy-schmancy West Hills ooh-la-la residential streets. All lanes impassable; uptick in normal level of Canoga Park sidewalk defecation.

September15: Pedestrian loses contact lens while using crosswalk at Gault — everyone ordered to "just stop where you are, stay still, don’t move around," while she looks for it. All lanes closed from 2:07 p.m. until 11:38 p.m. when search is called off by tearful LAPD sheriff.

October 28 - November 2: Standard, run-of-the-mill, and increasingly common car-swallowing 25-foot diameter, 15-foot deep sinkhole, sponsored by DWP. All lanes closed.

November 3-5: Sinkhole yields "unprecedented” discovery of archaeologically-significant 
Papier-Mâché Army. (Later revealed to be illegal dumping of unsold 2011 Captain America piñatas.)

December 31: Massive 14-meter asteroid — dismissed by JPL’s Near-Earth Object project because “it was just heading for the West Valley” — hits middle of street. Topanga Canyon Boulevard closed permanently; apocalyptic rain of empty cardboard boxes, sporting goods, cowboy boots, roast beef sandwiches, original recipe and extra-crispy chicken, party rental supplies, lifetime brakes, automotive stereos, donuts, house paint, communion wafers and dollar store merchandise showers Canoga Park for several days.

Related: Canoga Park Quilt editor already “feeling pangs of regret” after burning off a dozen “brilliant” premises for one bullshit listicle-type piece.

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