‘Mythical’ Sofa Graveyard Found

By Blythe Moorcroft, Quilt staff

DATELINE: REMMET AVENUE

Long celebrated in folklore and legend — and up to now dismissed as myth by scientists — definitive proof of the existence of a sofa graveyard has recently been discovered on the corner of Valerio and Remmet, in Canoga Park's tight-knit ValerRemmet neighborhood. 

“This is something we never thought we’d see,” admits Pierce College Winnetka professor of home furnishings Dr. Morris Detzer. “Yet here it is. Here’s the undeniable proof. Now to figure out the ‘why.’” 

Stunning both scholars and skeptics alike, an eerie and otherworldly sofa graveyard
 has been found on the corner of Valerio Street and Remmet Avenue. Staff photo.

Several theories have been advanced about the mass grave to which the largest species of land furniture seems to instinctively migrate at the end of its useful life, with some suggesting that the furniture detects minute electromagnetic pulses that are generated by a combination of the free wi-fi signal at McDonald’s Roscoe & Topanga location, static electricity created by the stubble-on-stainless-steel friction from counter-clockwise gyrations of dancers working the pole at Xposed Gentlemen’s Club, and the mysterious cosmic vibrations from a rare Book-of-the-Month Club edition of the Necronomicon signed by author Abdul Alhazred and kept under lock and key at Next Chapter Books; all three triangulating precisely at a latitude of 34.204562° and a longitude of -118.600169° — smack dab at the vacant lot in question.  

One theory put forth holds that the sofas are attracted by an electromagnetic pulse whose signal is strongest
at the triangulation point of specific frequencies generated by three local businesses. Image: Google Maps.

Most experts agree, however, that the proliferation of old sofas is probably due to this being the first vacant lot encountered west of Canoga Boulevard on Valerio Avenue, the east end of which is already over-crowded with the castoff debris of residents living in apartment houses and various other structures along that street.

“It’s likely that this is just a particularly convenient place for sofa owners to heave unwanted, urine-soaked, bedbug-infested microfiber couches off the back of their pickups and get the hell out of there before anyone can do anything,” Dr. Detzer suggests. 

He notes that sofas are "particularly shy creatures" and may be showing up here in greater numbers due to increased human activity along Canoga Park's recently 'revitalized' section of the LA River. "Really, you want to ditch a six-piece sectional, you're going to want to just kick it off the back of a truck, not carry it piece by piece along a landscaped walkway with joggers going by every two minutes, no matter how cool it's going to look tumbling down sixty feet of sloped concrete."