Friday, December 21, 2018

Body of Gingerbread Man Found In Over-Crowded, Illegally-Converted Cookie Garage

By Jingle McSprinkles, special to the Quilt.


Authorities with the Los Angeles Department of Holiday Baking, responding to potential zoning violations at a Canoga Park residence, uncovered tragedy when they discovered a body, broken into several pieces, among a baker’s dozen of gingerbread men living in cramped, crumby conditions in an illegally converted garage made of substandard graham crackers behind the main gingerbread house.

Warning—Delicious Content: The body of a broken gingerbread man found in Canoga Park. Photo: LAPD.

“I can confirm that we do have a fatality,” says department spokesperson Roxanna Panettone. “However, this is an ongoing investigation so I can’t say anything more. Except Merry Christmas!”

Neighbors say they’ve been complaining to various city entities including the LAPD since the problems — including noise, the smell of rancid nutmeg, and unregistered sleighs blocking neighboring driveways — began shortly after Thanksgiving when the large group moved in. But, according to residents, neither the police nor any municipal agency has responded until now. 

“It’s been a nightmare,” says Cinnamon Pfeffernusse, who lives next door. “Wassailing at all hours of the night, half-eaten mini-marshmallows tossed over the fence into my yard. The fellow two doors down came out one morning to find one of them trying to break into his little cookie car with a candy cane. 

Crowded House: The illegally converted garage was home to a tasty baker's dozen of mischievous
little gingerbread men including one who likely crumbled due to overcrowded conditions. Staff photo.

“And the drugs! Not only are these people dealing confectioner’s sugar — a diabetic OD’d in front of my house last week! — we can smell that they’re cooking caramel in there, too. Forget visions of sugarplums. The only thing dancing in my head at three a.m. is the worry that there’s going to be some massive explosion and the whole block goes up in flames. 

“But of course the City of LA only reacts after the problem gets way out of control. And I still doubt they’ll actually do anything.”

When asked about the situation, Mayor Eric Garcetti said all cookies should be treated with compassion and empathy, lauding both the landlord and his garage residents for their irresponsible resourcefulness before segueing into yet another pitch for his enormously unpopular Gingerbridge Housing for the Homeless initiative.

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